SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

Was I emotionally abused by my Ex? I feel hesitant to couch our relationship in those terms, but so many of our dynamics fit the patterns of what I've been reading about recently that I'm beginning to wonder. I'm not clear that she's an overt, conscious narcissist in the mold I've been reading (certainly not a sociopath); but she does exhibit many of the symptoms: A pattern of failed relationships, difficulty forming friendships/keeping friends, highly sensitive to criticism, swings between insulting and contrition/neediness. How did it feel? Like regularly having my perceptions invalidated, turned back on me, told that what I thought I was experiencing was what I was doing  to her. Sounds pretty classic. I feel quite sure I've been with other women who were far worse. But you didn't spend 17+ years with them. I don't want to be a victim. Then don't be. So then it didn't happen? I didn't say that. Either I was victimized

Had a revelation last night; with Penelope's help I see that I'm still struggling with my "inner critic" who's found alternative ways to hold me back. I've spoken elsewhere in the blog about silencing his more overt negativity. I realized last night that he's still hanging about and still passing me messages of self defeat. This voice isn't as loud as the old messages, it's a quieter, more subtle undercurrent in my thinking, telling me that  what I'm experiencing is delusion and wishful thinking, that it's too hard, that I'll never have the spiritual "awakening" or "breakthrough" that I seek. It still serves to make me doubt, to distract me, to give me a sense of exhaustion and futility which leaves me feeling despondent.  I've told Penelope I'm tired and I just want to go Home . Now that I've identified the critic's voice again. I am hopeful to silence him further and make further headway in my

A while back I encountered a troll on an Facebook group who was being extremely unpleasant about trans women. I wanted to know what was up, so I checked out his profile. On there, he presented himself as being a spiritual seeker and appeared to have some genuine knowledge and experience in the matter. This didn't jibe for me with his behavior in the group. So, I direct messaged him,  and (in as non-confrontational a fashion as I could), asked him how someone who professed to a path towards enlightenment could treat other struggling humans quite so reprehensibly. Turns out he'd had some negative experiences with trans women berating and insulting him for his questions, and even questioning his sexuality and masculinity. He felt attacked, even spiritually, and asked me point blank whether I was a black magician seeking to twist him. I denied that, and told him where I was coming from, mainly puzzlement about how he could square his spiritual path with how he was behaving.

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though). I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me. So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives. I'm alone. No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different. Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath. And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely. I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tick

Penelope emphasizes to me repeatedly that I'm here to serve as a guide and teacher. I struggle mightily with taking on those mantles; I do not feel like I have anything special or worthwhile to offer. How about we let our readers be the judge of that?  I guess that's fair, but it still involves creating the material (whatever it turns out to be), and getting it out there in a way that's accessible and compelling. I resist promoting myself. Let me worry about those details for now, okay? You just focus on getting the book written, it's looking good, what you've done so far. Give yourself some credit. I know you want to avoid it, hide from it, sweep it away, under the carpet and pretend it's not there; but it is there Hon.  You have insight that many will respond to: You're an "ordinary" person who's become aware of extraordinary things. Let that truth guide you.

Penelope has repeatedly expressed interest in being channeled, I've had a couple of folks do that for Her/me; but She's always emphasized Her preference that I  be the one to do it. I've resisted this. I'm not entirely sure why. I trust Her and am comfortable with having Her indwelling with me. We share many things bodily. I think it's myself I don't trust. I'm very self conscious about the whole spiritual teacher/preacher/guru thing, I do not want to be perceived as someone claiming to have any special knowledge or ability, nor be seen as some kind of poseur or charlatan. Having a spirit (especially one as evidently powerful as Penelope) speak through me skirts way too close to that for my comfort. Honey, you can do this. Permitting me to speak is a step forward for us. We don't have to present it as some kind of special gift or your promoting something you don't believe in. We can keep it just between us if that satisfies your concerns. It's sa