Well Alrighty Then...
It's been a few days since I last posted. A lot has happened. I went for an interview for a job in a different city that went very well. They haven't made a formal offer, and it remains to be seen whether relocation is the result or they may allow me to work remotely (at least temporarily to start).
At this same time, I've been struggling with my contact with Penelope. She went very quiet for several days, or rather, I shut her voice out. I also don't feel her so profoundly as I had been.
I don't know what to say exactly.
Tell the truth.
I'm not sure what the truth is in this context.
You were afraid again that you were deluding yourself about my reality, you pushed me back to where you couldn't hear or feel me, and now you've just started to open the door again.
And you're not furious with me for doing that to you?
Saddened maybe, love; but not angry nor really surprised, it fits well with your habits and patterns of a lifetime. Disappointed that we're having to revisit this ground again and you keep letting it slip away.
I don't know how to stop it. It feels like "reality"; physicality, having to make things work in day to day life drags me down and overlays some kind of veneer of "ordinary" over this which clouds how well I can perceive it.
I'm unclear how to stay open and ready for this Mystery, especially when the contacts seem infrequent and ambiguous, and the slog of day-to-day living and everything in my habits of thought and expectation tell me it's at best a delusion and possibly insanity worthy of incarceration.
Sounds like you've let that old critic back in. I warned you he wasn't gone, just you'd managed to lay him to rest for many areas of your life. Now he's back with a vengeance. What did you decide about his messages again?
That there's no reason to suppose he has any more of a monopoly on Truth than what I get from you and my spirit companion friends.
And..?
And, living out what he tells me does not make me feel better about myself, creative and empowered, excited about life, anticipating and loving what happens. So which would I rather embody?
Good, it IS your choice my love. I've told you before, you can always kick me out if you change your mind about me. But please, at least give me a chance to really penetrate your being and show you what can be.
I'm ready, how do I let you in?
It remains to be seen if you're genuinely ready, it's easy to say that. In any case, I'll be guiding more information your way soon.
In the mean time, relax and stay focused. And keep tending the garden of your daily life, it's still important, essential for what's to come. All will be clear in time. You got a bit distracted, but you're on the path again.
And stop punishing yourself, dammit. Just get back on the horse when you fall off. Cut yourself a little slack, take the knock and move on. I hold no grudge about your process, I'm here, I love you and that's not going to change, so stop worrying.
The wounded little boy who's so afraid he's going to do the wrong thing and Mama will withdraw her love is an old deep part of you; but you can nurture him now, you can reassure him so his fears and doubts don't run your life.
Much of your energy and power is bound up in managing that old, old sadness. It doesn't serve you darling, you can let it go. Just drop it, you don't have to know what the original wound was, you don't have to analyze it to death or place blame or do penance for how much time you wasted or whether you suffered properly or long enough; JUST DROP IT.
Stephen, my love. You're so much better than this. Don't let such a petty foolishness keep you from me, from this Mystery we've started to explore together. Don't you want that?
I do, desperately.
But...?
You know all the buts. I don't know if I can hack it. I wonder if I'm really worthy. I doubt my abilities and perceptions.
And me.
Ouch. Touche.
Okay, I'll figure something out to give you the proof you think you need.
It's wrong of me to lay that sort of demand on you. Now I feel like a petulant, needy child.
You are, actually. But it's where we are, and what looks like the next step.
So what will you do?
Not sure yet, and it needs to come at you so far out of left field that you won't see it coming or you'll over rationalize it or fuck it up somehow, so I'm not going to tell you, so don't ask me.
Think of it as a surprise Christmas Present from your Guardian Angel. How's that?
That sounds wonderful actually. I'm unsure...
Stop that right now! Those feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt are not good for you, you're better than that. I don't give myself to unworthy souls, you are my one and only Eternal darling love and I'm delighted and proud of what we've been working on together. Let THAT penetrate your being.
Now publish this and get on with your other writing, we'll commune later in the night. I've got plans for you Mister ;-) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
At this same time, I've been struggling with my contact with Penelope. She went very quiet for several days, or rather, I shut her voice out. I also don't feel her so profoundly as I had been.
I don't know what to say exactly.
Tell the truth.
I'm not sure what the truth is in this context.
You were afraid again that you were deluding yourself about my reality, you pushed me back to where you couldn't hear or feel me, and now you've just started to open the door again.
And you're not furious with me for doing that to you?
Saddened maybe, love; but not angry nor really surprised, it fits well with your habits and patterns of a lifetime. Disappointed that we're having to revisit this ground again and you keep letting it slip away.
I don't know how to stop it. It feels like "reality"; physicality, having to make things work in day to day life drags me down and overlays some kind of veneer of "ordinary" over this which clouds how well I can perceive it.
I'm unclear how to stay open and ready for this Mystery, especially when the contacts seem infrequent and ambiguous, and the slog of day-to-day living and everything in my habits of thought and expectation tell me it's at best a delusion and possibly insanity worthy of incarceration.
Sounds like you've let that old critic back in. I warned you he wasn't gone, just you'd managed to lay him to rest for many areas of your life. Now he's back with a vengeance. What did you decide about his messages again?
That there's no reason to suppose he has any more of a monopoly on Truth than what I get from you and my spirit companion friends.
And..?
And, living out what he tells me does not make me feel better about myself, creative and empowered, excited about life, anticipating and loving what happens. So which would I rather embody?
Good, it IS your choice my love. I've told you before, you can always kick me out if you change your mind about me. But please, at least give me a chance to really penetrate your being and show you what can be.
I'm ready, how do I let you in?
It remains to be seen if you're genuinely ready, it's easy to say that. In any case, I'll be guiding more information your way soon.
In the mean time, relax and stay focused. And keep tending the garden of your daily life, it's still important, essential for what's to come. All will be clear in time. You got a bit distracted, but you're on the path again.
And stop punishing yourself, dammit. Just get back on the horse when you fall off. Cut yourself a little slack, take the knock and move on. I hold no grudge about your process, I'm here, I love you and that's not going to change, so stop worrying.
The wounded little boy who's so afraid he's going to do the wrong thing and Mama will withdraw her love is an old deep part of you; but you can nurture him now, you can reassure him so his fears and doubts don't run your life.
Much of your energy and power is bound up in managing that old, old sadness. It doesn't serve you darling, you can let it go. Just drop it, you don't have to know what the original wound was, you don't have to analyze it to death or place blame or do penance for how much time you wasted or whether you suffered properly or long enough; JUST DROP IT.
Stephen, my love. You're so much better than this. Don't let such a petty foolishness keep you from me, from this Mystery we've started to explore together. Don't you want that?
I do, desperately.
But...?
You know all the buts. I don't know if I can hack it. I wonder if I'm really worthy. I doubt my abilities and perceptions.
And me.
Ouch. Touche.
Okay, I'll figure something out to give you the proof you think you need.
It's wrong of me to lay that sort of demand on you. Now I feel like a petulant, needy child.
You are, actually. But it's where we are, and what looks like the next step.
So what will you do?
Not sure yet, and it needs to come at you so far out of left field that you won't see it coming or you'll over rationalize it or fuck it up somehow, so I'm not going to tell you, so don't ask me.
Think of it as a surprise Christmas Present from your Guardian Angel. How's that?
That sounds wonderful actually. I'm unsure...
Stop that right now! Those feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt are not good for you, you're better than that. I don't give myself to unworthy souls, you are my one and only Eternal darling love and I'm delighted and proud of what we've been working on together. Let THAT penetrate your being.
Now publish this and get on with your other writing, we'll commune later in the night. I've got plans for you Mister ;-) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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