SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m

Anyone following the blog will be somewhat aware of my personal spiritual journey from "doubter" to "spirituality". For me the crux of the matter comes down to one particular issue: where do I land on the question of  the phenomenon we call   Consciousness.  Current mainstream scientific thought is materialist and reductionist in character: in this paradigm  all observable phenomena are reducible to the behavior of matter and "energy". The specific observable phenomena that science can permit as the brute facts of " Consciousness" are t he internal states   reported by humans, or (if you're generous in your definition) those which may be inferred from the behavior of animals. The current, most broadly accepted model for this is that these represent " epiphenomena": internal experience arises from and is wholly determined by  electro-chemical events within neurological tissue. While this is surely a  reasonable hypothesis which ca

I took an on line profile inventory some time back. One of the questions was something like "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I started writing about how I wanted to focus on my writing and get published and have my work read, and then I balked. I came up against a lot of resistance to the ideas of being recognized, much less "famous"; which is in serious conflict with my fantasy/aspiration to be come a bestselling author. I don't like tooting my own horn.  I feel uncomfortable being "seen". I spent a lot of my life hiding or asking, begging even, simply to be allowed to exist. Calling attention to myself feels unnatural, counterproductive, dangerous even. Time to move past that now Darling. It's time you took up space. You have something to offer the world, let it flow. 

The more I explore humanity's relationship with nature, the more I feel we have a special role in how things play out. Whether we were somehow "assigned" this task, or took the mantle upon ourselves, I can't say. Nonetheless it increasingly appears to me something we can do. I refer in particular to the animal organisms with which we share the world, physical incarnation, and at least some level of a similar conscious awareness. Our connections with them appears to have (at least in potential) a special character. I imagine few folks who are likely to read this blog will be completely unfamiliar with the common themes and videos of "unlikely animal friends", YouTube and other venues have many examples of such. A common feature of the majority of these relationships is that they arise within a human created and facilitated environment: a home, a farm, a zoo; m any, if not most, of these would be very unlikely to arise outside of a such a situation. 

Anyone who's followed the blog for any length of time will be aware that issues around guilt, shame, "sin", forgiveness, and grace  are a recurring theme in my writings. Most often this has been in the context of opening these doors for others. I strongly believe in redemption and grace, offering others second (third...fourth...) chances and the opportunity to change and grow. Changed behavior IMO is the best apology and surest indicator of genuine contrition for past behavior. I find myself currently in the uncomfortable position of finding it within myself to forgive myself for some "transgressions" over the course of my life that I am seriously ashamed about. I've said elsewhere this is my definition of "sin": It's when I fall short and don't behave in the way I feel someone should who professes as I do. I am not of a "do as I say, not as I do" mindset, I mean to exemplify the qualities I find needful and admirable in an i

I had a revelation over the weekend about the Child aspect of my psyche.  I am of the opinion that t he Inner Child is an important aspect of our psyches. S eeking to encounter and maintain a good relationship with that part of ourselves is an piece in the puzzle of self-discovery and knowledge. The Child is a  source  of spontaneity, exuberance, creativity, mischief, curiosity, enthusiasm, excitement, passion, intensity, joy, delight.  Qualities which IMO adults are well advised to discover and encourage in themselves. The Child can also be very lonely and wounded, and often requires trust building, attention, and nurturance in order to be willing to come forward and share their special gifts.  Over the course of my life  I have had the ongoing sense of a portion of my psyche that was recalcitrant and evasive, rather like a petulant child. In my day to day life, this has  manifested in many of the same behavioral symptoms as are often classified as perfectionism and procrastinati