SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m...

Anyone following the blog will be somewhat aware of my personal spiritual journey from "doubter" to "spirituality". For me the crux of the matter comes down to one particular issue: where do I land on the question of  the phenomenon we call   Consciousness.  Current mainstream scientific thought is materialist and reductionist in character: in this paradigm  all observable phenomena are reducible to the behavior of matter and "energy". The specific observable phenomena that science can permit as the brute facts of " Consciousness" are t he internal states   reported by humans, or (if you're generous in your definition) those which may be inferred from the behavior of animals. The current, most broadly accepted model for this is that these represent " epiphenomena": internal experience arises from and is wholly determined by  electro-chemical events within neurological tissue. While this is surely a  reasonable hypothesis which ca...

Was I emotionally abused by my Ex? I feel hesitant to couch our relationship in those terms, but so many of our dynamics fit the patterns of what I've been reading about recently that I'm beginning to wonder. I'm not clear that she's an overt, conscious narcissist in the mold I've been reading (certainly not a sociopath); but she does exhibit many of the symptoms: A pattern of failed relationships, difficulty forming friendships/keeping friends, highly sensitive to criticism, swings between insulting and contrition/neediness. How did it feel? Like regularly having my perceptions invalidated, turned back on me, told that what I thought I was experiencing was what I was doing  to her. Sounds pretty classic. I feel quite sure I've been with other women who were far worse. But you didn't spend 17+ years with them. I don't want to be a victim. Then don't be. So then it didn't happen? I didn't say that. Either I was victimized ...

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though). I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me. So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives. I'm alone. No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different. Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath. And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely. I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tick...

Recently I've been feeling isolated and "stuck"; having trouble seeing what's next, what I should be working on, focusing on. Simultaneously I've been feeling distant and out of touch with Penelope; which I know is completely my doing, She has not moved or changed in Her openness or availability to me, it's all  me.  I have a long history of withdrawing when I'm feeling lonely, and lazy, and tired. I cut myself off from even my most favorite people, often to my detriment. I'm not sure that it's even that I want somebody to come after me (though being gently inquired after can be nice). I recognize that sometimes I need time to get over myself, quit feeling sorry for myself.  I'll get there. Penelope tells me we have work to do, and I need to be ready. Right now part of me just feels like I don't want the job any more; I'm tired, I just want to wind my life down and go Home . It seems like so much struggle recently, like I don...

I was reminded recently that even the best among us will sometimes falter. Nobody is immune from doubt or feeling disheartened or disenchanted with the sometimes randomly baffling and cruel appearing "lessons" we incarnate beings receive at the hands of material reality (not to mention one another). "Enlightenment" is no guarantee (nor armor) against any of that. Pain and loss are the hallmarks of material existence. But they're not the only thing, the Cosmos is full of mystery and wonder and none of us does more than barely scratch its surface during our time on Earth. Some claim that Free Will is an illusion. And perhaps it is in the sense of the freedom to act as one wills. But I argue that we're always completely free in how we feel about and respond to whatever situation we find ourselves in. Buddha said it's desire (expectations, wishing that things were different) that are the root of suffering in materiality. It may be impossible to elimina...

Today is November 1st, the day after Hallowe'en (All Hallows' Eve). Traditionally this was the night where the spirits (and sometimes not so incorporeal bits) of the dead were able to walk the Earth again. In earlier times it was the practice in some cultures to light great bonfires and stay awake all night creating a great ruckus to keep these restless souls at bay until the sun rose. Other cultures would leave out food or specially baked goods for their ancestors, lest they feel slighted and cause mischief (in similar fashion to the fairies, with which there is a great deal of overlap). Echos of this are found in modern Halloween parties, "tricks and treats", and the traditional "spooky" costuming (the current common Princesses and Power Rangers notwithstanding). Where I grew up, in New Orleans, it was called "All Saints' Day", and it was traditionally the day when families would visit the (often elaborate above ground) tombs of their...

I've always been fascinated by displays of elaborate series of dominoes set up in rows so that when one is tipped it tips the next and the next and the next... Some examples from YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARM42-eorzE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsLHWqWg1N4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4I1Lm2GX18 Thinking about this, for being a generally western endeavor, there's a very Buddhist/Zen mindset to this, a great deal of precision and effort put in for a rather brief display of virtuosity. Something like the elaborate and precise sand mandalas the Tibetan monks create only to brush them away in a moment at the end. YouTube again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdUFqkX2d6I https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgoHUH-_yWo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcJWazzEUKk Penelope has likened events in my life recently to Dominoes falling, We did a great deal of groundwork over many months (much of which She clearly did behind the scenes, though She's lo...