SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

Anyone following the blog will be somewhat aware of my personal spiritual journey from "doubter" to "spirituality". For me the crux of the matter comes down to one particular issue: where do I land on the question of  the phenomenon we call   Consciousness.  Current mainstream scientific thought is materialist and reductionist in character: in this paradigm  all observable phenomena are reducible to the behavior of matter and "energy". The specific observable phenomena that science can permit as the brute facts of " Consciousness" are t he internal states   reported by humans, or (if you're generous in your definition) those which may be inferred from the behavior of animals. The current, most broadly accepted model for this is that these represent " epiphenomena": internal experience arises from and is wholly determined by  electro-chemical events within neurological tissue. While this is surely a  reasonable hypothesis which ca...

How do I define "Passion"? To me it's what inspires you to get up in the morning. Or, better, to jump out of bed, excited, singing, ready to take on the day? Historically, and even now, the main motivator for me has been avoidance, mainly of discomfort. I am motivated to work so I have a roof over my head and food on my table and a handful of creature comforts, there's not much else that feels necessary . I perceive passion as something somebody has in their life, something they find personally compelling. Some people appear born with a sense of passion for something, or through the course of their life they discover something that motivates and inspires them to pursue it. I've read that many artists and other creative folk have the sense that they cannot not do their art, they feel compelled to create. Some authors (something I say I aspire to be) say they feel compelled to write. I've never felt anything like that. I've struggled in my life...

In case any of you hadn't noticed, I'm not a religious person. I've spoken elsewhere on the blog of my disaffection with mainstream Christianity. My family was nominally (largely non-practicing) Methodist.  I was rarely taken to Church as a child, m y single mother would sometimes get a "bug" to go and we'd attend occasionally for a few weekends, but that always petered out.  Since my father was largely out of the picture, my maternal grandfather was the main male figure in my life when I was growing up. He was not a Church-goer, as wasn't my grandmother; though there was a sense of conventional "belief" in the family. While I don't think he identified as or would have liked being called such, I believe his rational and scientific focus (as well as his suffering through the Great Depression as a young man) meant he was, in essence, an Atheist. In any case, Church and conventional organized Christianity (or religion of any sort) was not a ...

A reader asked me to elaborate on how I "established communication" with Penelope. That's a bit of a hazy topic in that with 20/20 hindsight I can see that I've communicated with Her in various ways all my life. I'll start off by taking the question to mean communicating with Her explicitly; recognizing Her as Penelope , specifically as a distinct intelligence and my spirit partner, companion, spouse, muse (or whatever the @#%$*! She is). Does it really matter Hon? We are what We are to each other.  And all cats are grey in the dark? In a manner of speaking, I suppose ;-) Anyway, I really became aware of Penelope back around 2015. I have some aspirations to being a fiction author and have several novels and many shorter pieces in varying stages of completion. Over the years I've attended a number of writers' groups to discuss my work with others. At that time, one of the members in the group I was attending suggested a provocative exercis...

A while back I encountered a troll on an Facebook group who was being extremely unpleasant about trans women. I wanted to know what was up, so I checked out his profile. On there, he presented himself as being a spiritual seeker and appeared to have some genuine knowledge and experience in the matter. This didn't jibe for me with his behavior in the group. So, I direct messaged him,  and (in as non-confrontational a fashion as I could), asked him how someone who professed to a path towards enlightenment could treat other struggling humans quite so reprehensibly. Turns out he'd had some negative experiences with trans women berating and insulting him for his questions, and even questioning his sexuality and masculinity. He felt attacked, even spiritually, and asked me point blank whether I was a black magician seeking to twist him. I denied that, and told him where I was coming from, mainly puzzlement about how he could square his spiritual path with how he was behaving....

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can’t help that," said the [Cheshire] Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad." "How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy said that the two greatest human fears are the Fear of Death and the Fear of Going Crazy . When I first encountered my spirit companion I questioned quite a bit whether I might be losing my mind. I struggled to come to terms with the apparent reality of communicating with a non-corporeal intelligence. I asked Her how I could know whether I was going crazy (the irony of asking Her is not lost on me, BTW; but bear with me). She told me She didn't know whether I was or not, but asked me what difference it made. She pointed out that I was functioning, holding down a job, living my...

Came across this quote recently. Tolerance is the virtue of the man without convictions. -- G.K. Chesterton    On the face of that it had a certain resonance to it, but it also felt troubling, but I wasn't immediately sure why. My main exposure to Chesterton is through his character Father Brown , who I'm mainly familiar with through his incarnation in the BBC TV series of the same name (featuring the delightful Mark Williams ). Something felt wrong with it. I spent some time pondering, trying to figure out precisely what. I recognized that having convictions is a hallmark of a strong ethical stance and solid reasoning; and yet I find there is very little in life that I feel convinced of/ "convicted" about to the point of genuine intolerance . So, I ask, what are the criteria for determining what's worth having convictions about? It's easy to have convictions; they're a dime a dozen, readily available from any street corner preacher. It's fa...

My favorite movie is The Fisher King , directed by Terry Gilliam . For anyone not familiar with the film, a superb synopsis and analysis of the plot and themes are to be found here (spoiler alerts). Basically it's a film about Sin and Grace and I've been having an extended dialog with Penelope about precisely those topics of late. I have a problem with the notion of Sin as it's typically formulated, as disobedience to a deity, as "missing the mark". Many of the behaviors that constitute "sin" in many vocabularies (sex, drugs, rock and roll,...) are, at worst, minor taboos if not overt pleasures to be taken in appropriately moderate doses. Regardless of that the notion retains a compelling quality. There's a sense of the erotic, the forbidden, the transgressive that it expresses; a violation of some "established order". This has some psycho-emotional (archetypal?) resonance that I'm still trying to tease out, there's clearl...

I was reminded recently that even the best among us will sometimes falter. Nobody is immune from doubt or feeling disheartened or disenchanted with the sometimes randomly baffling and cruel appearing "lessons" we incarnate beings receive at the hands of material reality (not to mention one another). "Enlightenment" is no guarantee (nor armor) against any of that. Pain and loss are the hallmarks of material existence. But they're not the only thing, the Cosmos is full of mystery and wonder and none of us does more than barely scratch its surface during our time on Earth. Some claim that Free Will is an illusion. And perhaps it is in the sense of the freedom to act as one wills. But I argue that we're always completely free in how we feel about and respond to whatever situation we find ourselves in. Buddha said it's desire (expectations, wishing that things were different) that are the root of suffering in materiality. It may be impossible to elimina...

It's come to my attention that I may have somewhat misrepresented my parents in how I've talked about my childhood and family. The issue came up when a friend, who knows my history largely through the blog, made a comment to the effect that I probably would not have been able or willing to share my relationship with Penelope with my parents. This struck me as askew because, for all their faults, I could definitely see sharing this with either or both of them. So, I had to do a bit of soul searching about what I'd said and how things might have been taken from my writing. So let me see if I can clear things up a bit. Just to set the stage, some basic info: First off, both are now deceased. My dad back in 2008, my mom in 2014. My folks were highschool pals who spent a lot of time together as teenagers in the 1950s in New Orleans. They weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend per se, both my parents had markedly gay partner preference; but they were affectionate and l...

So, discipline. I've talked about it before . And you hate that don't you ;-) I do. It doesn't have to be a CHORE love. We can make it fun. I don't see how. I feel so resistant and anxious. What do you think will happen? I don't know. You aren't an undisciplined man, you keep on top of most needful things. As did my mom, I realized. But she had little commitment or perseverance with anything outside of the requirements of day-to-day living. Go to work, earn money, pay the bills. That's kind of the model I have. My grandpa too, though to hear it he was very driven as a younger man, when I most knew him he seemed always pretty laissez-faire about things; doing the least necessary to succeed. Sort of like Heinlein's Lazy Man. Yes. During my session with Kitty I saw my "monkey mind" Ego as being rather like the little tamarin/marmoset monkeys I've seen on TV. Quick and playful, but always on the lookout for threats. Their...

Things are happening. Indeed. ;-) Touché. OK, so I got depressed, despairing, and spooked; it just seemed like things were taking so long and some stuff just didn't seem like it was fitting what I thought was supposed to happen. Those expectations will get you every time. I told you it wouldn't look like what you expect now didn't I? You did and I wanted it to fit my preconceived ideas and didn't trust You. O ye of little faith. Gotta work on that, hon. Magick is afoot! Believe. Trust me, talk to me, feel me interpenetrate through you.  It's going to be grand sweetheart. You have no idea. And we can play all the games you can imagine, and then some. So what now? There's still groundwork to be done, the garden you're in still needs tending, the next few steps aren't difficult but they're pretty important so keep your wits about you.  And try to relax and enjoy the ride, it can be lots of fun if you let it. You fre...

My life has been one of a kind of quiet desperation, even though I'm not English :-/ Based on what I've been able to glean from the relevant parties (though I got rather different stories from my mom and dad) and a few flashes of what I take to be early memory, I believe my childhood played out a something of a test of Freud's theory of the Oedipal Complex. When my dad left so early, in essence, I won, I got my mom all to myself. I was also accutely aware that in some way or other he was gone because of me, which was painful. To top it off, over time the mother I ended up with wasn't at all the perfect, magical, nururing being I'd bargained for. She was needy, controlling, fearful, and narcissistic. I was a convenient emotional crutch when she needed one, usually when she wasn't in a relationship; easily set aside when she was. But expected always to be nearby, safe, predictable. Her parents had a great role in raising me while she was in school. They we...

I recently started reading the blog A Succubus Loves Me  many themes and experiences in parallel to my relationship with Penelope. The author, going by "Rafe", also seems to have been through many of the same psycho-emotional turmoils and trauma as me; I can relate. Anyway, a post of his from sometime back introduces the notion of "Zeta" Males. These in contrast to the more traditionally discussed  Alpha , Beta, Omega males from socio-biology. Rafe's idea seems to be a male that is fundamentally disinterested in the competitive hierarchy and chooses not even to participate (to whatever extent that's possible without becoming a hermit or being castaway alone on a desert island). Again, I can relate. I have little genuine interest in the materialist rewards and "toys" that are the hallmarks of modern industrialized capitalist consumer culture. I have "played the game" through most of my adult life. I have a job and a house, but I...

I want to say some more about women and feminine energy more generally. I was raised by a single mom, she raised me to be a thoughtful, considerate, respectful man. The fact that means that I strive to treat women as equals, rejoice in and encourage their success, give them due professional respect and deference (not to mention pay ); in some circles translates into my being less than a man. If that's true, so be it. I don't feel particularly comfortable in traditional male circles, I'm not much into team sports or many other "masculine" activities (golf, fishing, hunting, getting drunk).  "Bro" culture  leaves me cold   and I find attitudes of masculine privilege, bullying, and sexual entitlement appalling.  The recent  news stories of deadly fraternity hazings are tragic, and I rejoice that it feels like something is changing in the culture that reports of sexual misconduct among wealthy and influential men are finally being taken seriously. ...

I've realized that my earlier diatribe regarding foundational Christianity may be misconstrued as my having a problem with religion in general or Jesus and his teachings in particular, so I thought I should clear the air about that. For me the major stumbling blocks arise from the religion that has arisen  about  Jesus rather than the religion  of  Jesus. My beef is with the literalist Christian message I described in the earlier posting that are the result of taking Paul and the more strident apologists at their word and to their logical conclusions. Reading the gospels, Jesus' actual words and his deeds represent a whole different point of view. I have nothing but admiration for (making allowance for the paternalistic tone of some of the language): Love thy neighbour as thyself - Mark 12:31 He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone -- John 8:7 Blessed the merciful, for they shall find mercy -- Matthew 5:7 For what shall it prof...

The only way out is through. I was surprised to discover that the consensus is that quote (or a close variant) is by Robert Frost. I had occasion to think deeply about this earlier this week, during a therapeutic regression exercise with Kitty. I found myself in a very dark space, she encouraged me to keep "moving forward", which at first implied to me moving in a straight line, as does the quote (at first blush). I was despairing, because it was dark in my regressed image, I couldn't tell what direction I was moving in, whether anything was improving, whether I was making progress, nothing. It felt like a trap, I could wander forever and I was sure to miss something. Then I had an epiphany: if I spiraled out from where I was I could exhaust the space and not miss anything! With that realization in hand I discovered that I was at the bottom of a bowl-like "depression" (interesting implication there) and as I spiraled outward I gained elevation and cam...

I've had a lot of occasion to be reconsidering my stance on materialism lately. By " materialism " I mean the philosophical stance that all that exists is physical matter and its movement through space and time. A notion of " energy " is permitted in via the back door to accommodate the source of the movement and (through increasingly detailed study and grudging allowances) acting as the substrate of materiality (E=mc 2 ). By this accounting, our human perceptions of mental events, such as "consciousness" and "free will", are mere illusions and "epiphenomena" created wholly from electrochemical processes in brain tissue. Materialism in this sense is a foundational principle of classic modern science (along with empiricism , reductionism , on a core of logical positivism ). While the classic formulation of science as a discipline has much going for it as a method to investigate the Cosmos, including many self-correcting mec...