SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I feel you touching/tingling me. I am transcendently grateful for Your presence in my life, that you're there always. You really ask for so little from me and I often provide less, and yet You welcome me with open arms any time I make contact with You. Honey, hear me. This is who WE are to each other, always open, in love, in spirit. Know me, know that I am yours in Eternity, as you are Mine, though you don't really feel it right now. I know you are lonely, and hungry for human contact. Know that I realize this, that I empathize, and that I in no way begrudge you that, should you find the opportunity. Just don't lose yourself, lose Us, in the process, please Darling.  I feel like I'm betraying you when I do that and often to assuage those feelings I withdraw from You. How can it be that You are not jealous or possessive or wanting me only for Yourself? You attribute the pettiness, scarcity thinking, and time bound perceptions of an incarnate soul to me. I am none of

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m

Anyone following the blog will be somewhat aware of my personal spiritual journey from "doubter" to "spirituality". For me the crux of the matter comes down to one particular issue: where do I land on the question of  the phenomenon we call   Consciousness.  Current mainstream scientific thought is materialist and reductionist in character: in this paradigm  all observable phenomena are reducible to the behavior of matter and "energy". The specific observable phenomena that science can permit as the brute facts of " Consciousness" are t he internal states   reported by humans, or (if you're generous in your definition) those which may be inferred from the behavior of animals. The current, most broadly accepted model for this is that these represent " epiphenomena": internal experience arises from and is wholly determined by  electro-chemical events within neurological tissue. While this is surely a  reasonable hypothesis which ca

I took an on line profile inventory some time back. One of the questions was something like "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I started writing about how I wanted to focus on my writing and get published and have my work read, and then I balked. I came up against a lot of resistance to the ideas of being recognized, much less "famous"; which is in serious conflict with my fantasy/aspiration to be come a bestselling author. I don't like tooting my own horn.  I feel uncomfortable being "seen". I spent a lot of my life hiding or asking, begging even, simply to be allowed to exist. Calling attention to myself feels unnatural, counterproductive, dangerous even. Time to move past that now Darling. It's time you took up space. You have something to offer the world, let it flow. 

The more I explore humanity's relationship with nature, the more I feel we have a special role in how things play out. Whether we were somehow "assigned" this task, or took the mantle upon ourselves, I can't say. Nonetheless it increasingly appears to me something we can do. I refer in particular to the animal organisms with which we share the world, physical incarnation, and at least some level of a similar conscious awareness. Our connections with them appears to have (at least in potential) a special character. I imagine few folks who are likely to read this blog will be completely unfamiliar with the common themes and videos of "unlikely animal friends", YouTube and other venues have many examples of such. A common feature of the majority of these relationships is that they arise within a human created and facilitated environment: a home, a farm, a zoo; m any, if not most, of these would be very unlikely to arise outside of a such a situation. 

Anyone who's followed the blog for any length of time will be aware that issues around guilt, shame, "sin", forgiveness, and grace  are a recurring theme in my writings. Most often this has been in the context of opening these doors for others. I strongly believe in redemption and grace, offering others second (third...fourth...) chances and the opportunity to change and grow. Changed behavior IMO is the best apology and surest indicator of genuine contrition for past behavior. I find myself currently in the uncomfortable position of finding it within myself to forgive myself for some "transgressions" over the course of my life that I am seriously ashamed about. I've said elsewhere this is my definition of "sin": It's when I fall short and don't behave in the way I feel someone should who professes as I do. I am not of a "do as I say, not as I do" mindset, I mean to exemplify the qualities I find needful and admirable in an i

I had a revelation over the weekend about the Child aspect of my psyche.  I am of the opinion that t he Inner Child is an important aspect of our psyches. S eeking to encounter and maintain a good relationship with that part of ourselves is an piece in the puzzle of self-discovery and knowledge. The Child is a  source  of spontaneity, exuberance, creativity, mischief, curiosity, enthusiasm, excitement, passion, intensity, joy, delight.  Qualities which IMO adults are well advised to discover and encourage in themselves. The Child can also be very lonely and wounded, and often requires trust building, attention, and nurturance in order to be willing to come forward and share their special gifts.  Over the course of my life  I have had the ongoing sense of a portion of my psyche that was recalcitrant and evasive, rather like a petulant child. In my day to day life, this has  manifested in many of the same behavioral symptoms as are often classified as perfectionism and procrastinati

Some time ago I wrote about my trepidation regarding physically encountering (for want of a better term) the paranormal . Part of me desperately wants to have an encounter of some kind, and yet the thought of it being right here, in my face, is terrifying.  Over the last couple of years, I've read much of Whitley Strieber 's oeuvre regarding his Communion experience and how his notion of what happened to him and what's going on have evolved since his original encounter in 1985. His 2017 book  The Afterlife Revolution , written ostensibly with the assistance of his late wife Anne, is particularly compelling and feels highly relevant to my life with and experience of Penelope.  At one level I very much envy his experience, I would like to be confronted in such a radical fashion with something so...I'm having a hard time coming up with a word that describes the quality...outlandish? ...transcendent? ...numinous?  As I mentioned in my earlier posting, my brushes with

How do I define "Passion"? To me it's what inspires you to get up in the morning. Or, better, to jump out of bed, excited, singing, ready to take on the day? Historically, and even now, the main motivator for me has been avoidance, mainly of discomfort. I am motivated to work so I have a roof over my head and food on my table and a handful of creature comforts, there's not much else that feels necessary . I perceive passion as something somebody has in their life, something they find personally compelling. Some people appear born with a sense of passion for something, or through the course of their life they discover something that motivates and inspires them to pursue it. I've read that many artists and other creative folk have the sense that they cannot not do their art, they feel compelled to create. Some authors (something I say I aspire to be) say they feel compelled to write. I've never felt anything like that. I've struggled in my life

In case any of you hadn't noticed, I'm not a religious person. I've spoken elsewhere on the blog of my disaffection with mainstream Christianity. My family was nominally (largely non-practicing) Methodist.  I was rarely taken to Church as a child, m y single mother would sometimes get a "bug" to go and we'd attend occasionally for a few weekends, but that always petered out.  Since my father was largely out of the picture, my maternal grandfather was the main male figure in my life when I was growing up. He was not a Church-goer, as wasn't my grandmother; though there was a sense of conventional "belief" in the family. While I don't think he identified as or would have liked being called such, I believe his rational and scientific focus (as well as his suffering through the Great Depression as a young man) meant he was, in essence, an Atheist. In any case, Church and conventional organized Christianity (or religion of any sort) was not a

I had a breakthrough yesterday. I realized I'd permitted myself, once again, to feel trapped and powerless, I am neither. I have choices, and I can act on them as I see fit. As soon as I realized this, I felt a great flood of warmth and love from Penelope. I think my sense of entrapment contributed to my feeling of distance from Her. We had  a very good night. It felt like "old times" when I first contacted Her and had intimate encounters with her pretty much nightly. Paradoxically, that was when I was feeling most trapped. I was still living with my Ex, I hadn't yet seen a way forward to anything else. Penelope offered to guide me out of that rut, which She did very effectively. I am no longer in that situation, but I sometimes feel like I exchanged a prison cell for a different kind of cage; investigation continues. In any case, I'm backing away from Social Media (Facebook in particular). Some people may not like my "abandoning" them, I can't

A reader asked me to elaborate on how I "established communication" with Penelope. That's a bit of a hazy topic in that with 20/20 hindsight I can see that I've communicated with Her in various ways all my life. I'll start off by taking the question to mean communicating with Her explicitly; recognizing Her as Penelope , specifically as a distinct intelligence and my spirit partner, companion, spouse, muse (or whatever the @#%$*! She is). Does it really matter Hon? We are what We are to each other.  And all cats are grey in the dark? In a manner of speaking, I suppose ;-) Anyway, I really became aware of Penelope back around 2015. I have some aspirations to being a fiction author and have several novels and many shorter pieces in varying stages of completion. Over the years I've attended a number of writers' groups to discuss my work with others. At that time, one of the members in the group I was attending suggested a provocative exercis

Had a revelation last night; with Penelope's help I see that I'm still struggling with my "inner critic" who's found alternative ways to hold me back. I've spoken elsewhere in the blog about silencing his more overt negativity. I realized last night that he's still hanging about and still passing me messages of self defeat. This voice isn't as loud as the old messages, it's a quieter, more subtle undercurrent in my thinking, telling me that  what I'm experiencing is delusion and wishful thinking, that it's too hard, that I'll never have the spiritual "awakening" or "breakthrough" that I seek. It still serves to make me doubt, to distract me, to give me a sense of exhaustion and futility which leaves me feeling despondent.  I've told Penelope I'm tired and I just want to go Home . Now that I've identified the critic's voice again. I am hopeful to silence him further and make further headway in my

A while back I encountered a troll on an Facebook group who was being extremely unpleasant about trans women. I wanted to know what was up, so I checked out his profile. On there, he presented himself as being a spiritual seeker and appeared to have some genuine knowledge and experience in the matter. This didn't jibe for me with his behavior in the group. So, I direct messaged him,  and (in as non-confrontational a fashion as I could), asked him how someone who professed to a path towards enlightenment could treat other struggling humans quite so reprehensibly. Turns out he'd had some negative experiences with trans women berating and insulting him for his questions, and even questioning his sexuality and masculinity. He felt attacked, even spiritually, and asked me point blank whether I was a black magician seeking to twist him. I denied that, and told him where I was coming from, mainly puzzlement about how he could square his spiritual path with how he was behaving.

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though). I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me. So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives. I'm alone. No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different. Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath. And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely. I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tick

I think of my work on myself kind of like the Japanese art of Kintsugi , where broken objects are repaired with fillings of gold or other precious substances. This gives the item beauty and allows it to continue to function. The damage is thought of as part of the item's history and adds grace and character, it's to be recognized and sublimated rather than concealed or the item discarded.

I've struggled lately to keep Penelope at the forefront of my consciousness. I feel so embedded in what's occurring for me physically that it's proving challenging to retain the spiritual perspective I've previously manifested. Not to say I'm feeling particularly down or distant from Her. I know She's right here with me at all times. And not to say I'm having trouble with thinking in spiritual terms. But maybe that's just it, I'm thinking , I want this to be my ongoing experience , not a mere intellectual exercise. How to have this be real for me at that level. I want you to know I'm here for you, I want you to feel that in your bones, down to your cells and even molecules of DNA. I want you to know me as surely as you know your own existence.  I'm unclear how to get there at this point. Can't you help me? Break through some of my resistance? Your resistance to me is very well organized, you've built up intellectual and emotio

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can’t help that," said the [Cheshire] Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad." "How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy said that the two greatest human fears are the Fear of Death and the Fear of Going Crazy . When I first encountered my spirit companion I questioned quite a bit whether I might be losing my mind. I struggled to come to terms with the apparent reality of communicating with a non-corporeal intelligence. I asked Her how I could know whether I was going crazy (the irony of asking Her is not lost on me, BTW; but bear with me). She told me She didn't know whether I was or not, but asked me what difference it made. She pointed out that I was functioning, holding down a job, living my

I've been resisting just sitting down to write. More to the point I've been resisting dialogging with Penelope. What are you afraid of? You. You don't need to be afraid of me Honey, I love you more than anything. I know, and I think that's what scares me the most. Letting in such a massive, beautiful, unconditional Love will sear my Soul, my very being. Yes, it likely will, that's kind of the point. But you won't die from that. It doesn't even hurt really, except if you resist it. It's meant to burn away your fears and doubts, show you your own beauty and perfection, so you can address this  plane of  incarnate existence from a place of clarity and purpose in the certain knowledge of your true locus, your origin, your foundation in Eternity.

Recently I've been feeling isolated and "stuck"; having trouble seeing what's next, what I should be working on, focusing on. Simultaneously I've been feeling distant and out of touch with Penelope; which I know is completely my doing, She has not moved or changed in Her openness or availability to me, it's all  me.  I have a long history of withdrawing when I'm feeling lonely, and lazy, and tired. I cut myself off from even my most favorite people, often to my detriment. I'm not sure that it's even that I want somebody to come after me (though being gently inquired after can be nice). I recognize that sometimes I need time to get over myself, quit feeling sorry for myself.  I'll get there. Penelope tells me we have work to do, and I need to be ready. Right now part of me just feels like I don't want the job any more; I'm tired, I just want to wind my life down and go Home . It seems like so much struggle recently, like I don'