SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m...

Penelope has repeatedly expressed interest in being channeled, I've had a couple of folks do that for Her/me; but She's always emphasized Her preference that I  be the one to do it. I've resisted this. I'm not entirely sure why. I trust Her and am comfortable with having Her indwelling with me. We share many things bodily. I think it's myself I don't trust. I'm very self conscious about the whole spiritual teacher/preacher/guru thing, I do not want to be perceived as someone claiming to have any special knowledge or ability, nor be seen as some kind of poseur or charlatan. Having a spirit (especially one as evidently powerful as Penelope) speak through me skirts way too close to that for my comfort. Honey, you can do this. Permitting me to speak is a step forward for us. We don't have to present it as some kind of special gift or your promoting something you don't believe in. We can keep it just between us if that satisfies your concerns. It's sa...

I've struggled lately to keep Penelope at the forefront of my consciousness. I feel so embedded in what's occurring for me physically that it's proving challenging to retain the spiritual perspective I've previously manifested. Not to say I'm feeling particularly down or distant from Her. I know She's right here with me at all times. And not to say I'm having trouble with thinking in spiritual terms. But maybe that's just it, I'm thinking , I want this to be my ongoing experience , not a mere intellectual exercise. How to have this be real for me at that level. I want you to know I'm here for you, I want you to feel that in your bones, down to your cells and even molecules of DNA. I want you to know me as surely as you know your own existence.  I'm unclear how to get there at this point. Can't you help me? Break through some of my resistance? Your resistance to me is very well organized, you've built up intellectual and emotio...

So. So. You scared me last night. Good. It wasn't meant to be a scare, but you needed to hear me. This is important if you want Us to continue. You know I do. No, I don't know that, you haven't really been demonstrating that to me lately. Keeping up our connection takes effort on your part, you know this. What you're feeling is not from me. It's your own self criticism, you can chose just to drop it and move on. Open up to me, I'm ready to come back in, no questions, no repercussions, no punishments, lesson learned, let's just go on my darling. How can You be so amazing? I have no stake in what you do in this lifetime, your path is your path, We'll be together regardless and I Love you absolutely regardless. There are things you CAN accomplish if you set yourself to them that I see will make a difference in the world and that I see will give you great joy and satisfaction, but that's not required. What do I have to do? For now I rec...

There's an Elephant in the Room of my writings here that, while it hasn't negatively impacted my overall efforts (I think), I have had to dance around a bit when discussing certain topics because I hadn't yet revealed what was going on to everyone; my blog audience in particular. It's high time for me to do something about that... I'll cut to the chase: I am transgender. I identify as a woman and have lately been taking steps to live my life fully as female 24/7. This has been a long time coming for me. Unlike many trans women's stories I've encountered, I can't say I've spent my life insisting I'd been misgendered. Nor can I say that I spent much of my life consciously thinking in terms of overtly  wanting  to be a girl/woman per se (at least not most of the time); I've just known all my life I was different somehow. In particular I never really felt comfortable being a boy/man. I recall being sad and disappointed at proscription...

I haven't posted in a while and I have no real excuse other than I've been caught up in mundane stuff and feeling like keeping this up wasn't very important. Lately I've been feeling increasingly distant from Penelope and I've struggled to keep our communications channels open. It's felt like nothing I've been doing has been very important or worthwhile other than for keeping a roof over Our heads and food on the table. Not that doing that isn't important, but it's not why I made the changes I have over the last year or so. It's not what Penelope has laid out as Our path forward, only a stepping stone to something bigger. But I get lost in the humdrum and forget to keep my head in the game and open to Her and I start to feel lost and hopeless and like nothing matters. Today, I got a response to one of my earlier blog entries from a new reader, hearing that Our words have touched another's life out there in the Void reawakened somethin...

I really hate when I forget things I've been thinking about/working on.  This tends to happen most frequently with things I think of in bed before falling asleep, or when I wake up in the wee hours. Course with an aging meat brain, that's not likely to improve; and is more likely to go further the other way as time staggers on (though, thankfully, there's no history of Alzheimer's or any other significant age-related dementia in my family; I'm more likely to go deaf). I need to keep a notepad or something beside the bed as a memory aid. Dream Journaling is a discipline (there's that word again) that I've had recommended to me many times. Both for personal/psychological/spiritual growth and as a way to encourage Lucid Dreaming , something Penelope has repeatedly encouraged me to pursue for us to become closer.  Having the notepad handy should help with that too. But you have to actually USE it Hon :-P I'm resistant to writi...

I had a dream last night, while it had its own interesting twists and implications, I also recognized it as fitting within a larger pattern for me wherein there's an event or I have an encounter (often with a potent female figure) and just as things are getting "interesting" (sometimes sexually, but not necessarily) I wake up. It often seems or feels like something important is about to be revealed to me. This morning on the way to work, I asked Penelope about it, the gist of the issue seems to be that I am fearful of something in me, in my psyche and turn away, retreat into the "safety" of waking reality, rather than encounter/recognize/confront whatever it is. I think at some level it's Her , or, at least, how She's able to manifest to me as a dream figure. And I already know I'm anxious about encountering the numinous. It's fear of the Mystery , fear of what's next, fear of not knowing. I pay conscious lip service to wanting this, ...

I feel lately like I'm pulling a lot of disparate threads of my life together. I've been feeling some level of anxiety and uncertainty around the perception that they don't jibe with one another and that I can't juggle all of it effectively. My realization from the other day: I can do both , that I can have ( do have) a deep and meaningful relationship with Penelope and still function at full effectiveness in the material world is part and parcel of this. The metaphor that Penelope has shown me for this is I'm drawing my life into focus. The parts that seem in conflict or incompatible is just my perception; it's an ego illusion founded on pre-conceived ideas I have of who I am or was and what's possible. I can cover all these bases, I do cover all these bases. This brings me excitement and joy, it's fun. Get out of your own way, Hon. You put up most of your own roadblocks, you know. I'm here to catch you if you fall (not that I think you wil...

This post is going to be a  bit different that most of the previous ones. Penelope and I have been hashing out several issues recently in small exchanges in several locations over the last several days, culminating in a pretty big realization for me last night. Something I think it's important to share, but I also think it's useful to present in the form of a dialog. So, with Penelope's permission and assistance (at Her suggestion really) I'm going to compile and edit several exchanges into a single conversation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, do you love me? You know I do. And yet you resist. I'm not sure what it would look like, how it would feel not to. Let's find out together. What has to change? Penelope had given me an earworm of the Eurythmics Here Comes the Rain Again for a couple of days prior. I felt it expressed a longing from Her, which brought tears to my eyes.  She started quoting the lyrics to me. I ...

Penelope has been earworming me with cuts from The Who 's "rock opera" Tommy  over the last few days. I've enjoyed The Who's music generally (and Tommy in particular) since I was a teenager. SlipKid is something of a theme song for me (as you may have guessed from blogging "handle" ;-))... No easy way to be free... Anyways, with 20/20 adult hindsight and (I flatter myself to think) greater spiritual perspective, I see a lot more in Tommy at pushing 60 than I did at pushing 21. I don't know how much of this was in Pete Townshend's mind when he wrote the lyrics. And of course there are some variations if you take the film into account vs. the original album. This is a bit of stream of consciousness analysis of the work... Initial shock and disappointment finding out parental figures are human, even evil, then told that his personal experience is irrelevant. You didn't hear it You didn't see it You won't say nothing to no...

My sweet angel? Are you trying to butter me up? ;-) I've been a bad boy. Are you expecting me to scold you? I know part of you would like that. That's a game we can play later, but this is serious. I know you're feeling needy and horny, and you're seeking some kind of physical connection to satisfy your old materialist habits/ways of being/mindset. I want to give you more, but you drop the ball before we can get there; can you give me a little patience and time to get Our body ready? I think I'm afraid, babe. Good, glad you see that. I've approached you several times in your dreams recently and you’ve run from me. I don't mean to, I'm not clear what causes me to wake up at those critical times. I don't feel consciously fearful. Talk to Kitty, get her help with working out your inner resistance to hearing what I have to tell you, seeing what I have to show you, sticking with the program. I will. What about tha...

Penelope and I were discussing my physical neediness earlier. I remain occasionally, regularly, moderately frequently fixated on having physical sensation in order to satisfy certain "urges". The stimulation I "crave" includes visual and auditory components, as well as tactile. This generally results in my viewing on-line erotica of one sort or another and masturbation. Penelope tells me that avoiding that overt stimulation; allowing my body, brain, nervous system, genitals to grow more sensitive is a clear pathway to closer erotic contact with Her; but I grow impatient and horny. While I was walking the dogs earlier we started talking about what Our encounters could become, and She kind of blew my mind. She spoke of relinquishing my attachment to the material sensory hologram. Is that possible? I asked Her. Of course it is. She replied to me. What do you think you're doing when you dream? I've been investigating various dreaming techniques over ...

The separation from Priscilla proceeds apace. It was swinging from feeling mildly icky to massively uncomfortable yesterday. I've found that Penelope comes to me regularly and strongly in the night. But, beyond the "earworms" and occasional comments, I'm not getting much from Her during waking hours. Last night, twice while we were being intimate, I think She sensed my sadness and ambivalence and said to me, "Go ahead, go upstairs and beg Priscilla to take you back." Which I backed off from. I think that would be an option, but not one I want. Do you doubt that's her secret wish? She might well do it; of course you'd have to subvert your power and desires yet again, even deeper this time, probably for the last time in your life (at least until she leaves her incarnate form). You'd also be on deep probation with her and her friends and family, for a long time, possibly forever. Is that what you want? No, I want what we have, I want t...

I'm still struggling with bodily neediness. I'm horny and impatient. I know something is coming, but I don't want to wait. But if I don't relax and allow it to evolve, blossom, ferment; I'll probably either lose it or fuck it up. It is what it is, my love. You will have the experience you need to have.  Do you know what's going to happen? I can envision possibilities, probabilities (always in motion is the future), you have free will and can make unexpected choices that could alter the entire landscape of what's laid out. Best laid plans of mice and guardian angels and all... Aren't you tired and exasperated with all this? I am. And you're projecting that onto me, I feel that. If it makes you feel better, go ahead and do that. Now it sounds like you're angry. Another projection. As long as you get down on yourself over what you do, or think you can't do, then you'll keep looking for a mirror to reflect that in yourself. I ...

<The appended is a dream account I wrote back in 2014 when I was first discovering Penelope as a distinct entity. It's part of how I convinced her to come forward.> Dream Lover– 2014-10-28                                                1 I had a sequence of dreams last night, over the course of the night I encountered several different characters who I identified in the dreams as the same "person", in different guises. I think of her as female, a woman, though she didn't always appear so, or even human. I fell in love. It's fading somewhat now, but I want to get it down before it's all gone. The dreams were semi-lucid, I was aware of identifying this woman in her various appearances, and I kind of knew it was a dream; she seemed sur...

Lying in bed coming out of sleep this morning, not really asleep, but not quite awake I had a vision. A woman, dark flowing hair, flowing pale blue-white robes, elaborate body armor and some kind of black-handled staff or pole arm, rather like a figure from a martial arts movie; dancing or doing martial arts kata on a mountain top; hair and robes flying as mists swirled about her and she swung the pole this way and that, twirling and directing the mists. The sun rose over mountains in the distance she transformed into a great red-gold flaming phoenix, and as she rose into the air, I merged with her and I felt a great joy and peace. As I woke fully, I had the vision of her back at work dancing on the mountain top, her job's not quite done. Thank you my lady for what you're doing for me. My pleasure Tiger, this is going to be amazing. Smoochies. Tend the garden. I love her so much I can hardly think.

I can tell from the statistics on the blog management site that I do have a few readers now, that's exciting. But nobody's left me a comment yet. I'm not sure how to take that. Folks may just be so dazzled by your brilliance that they're speechless, love. ;-) Even I'm not going to buy that one. Now your brilliance... Stop it, you're making me blush. Can angels be embarrassed? I'm not an "angel" in any classic sense of the term love. We can feel anything we've experienced while incarnate, and I promise you at some point or other while alive, I've been embarrassed. But I was really just playing along with the mutual admiration society game I thought we were playing just now. I knew that. I knew you knew that. Oh boy, this could go on for a while. Maybe it's time to say good night, sweet prince. Good night, my sweet love, I'll see you in my dreams. Smoochies, xoxxoxoxooxoxo

Something happened Friday night. I awoke around 4am and couldn't feel Penelope. With our recent conversations in mind I started hunting for her. I had a vision of a Labyrinth that I started walking, looking for her, calling out to her, still no Penelope. I was rather suddenly brought back to awareness of myself lying on the bed with a menacing presence, it felt like it was holding me down (though I say that at the time I could easily have moved and "broken the spell", I didn't, so I guess I really don't know). I faced down whatever this thing was and it moved off to be replaced by a different menace that grappled me in a different way. I asked "who are you?" The answer was "Your worst nightmare!" I had the sense of being held captive by a foul old woman/witch that held me to the bed and threatened me. Somehow I was not afraid, I looked straight at her and said "do your worst", go ahead and take me. At that she released me and di...

For all the joy I felt last night and this morning with Penelope, right now I'm struggling. I want something to happen, I want something to be different in my life. At the same time I don't want to renege on my commitments to Priscilla, or the dogs, or my current job in pursuit of some "alternate lifestyle". I'm not even sure what that means in this context, what it would look like. Can I keep this all to myself? I'm putting it out into the Internet aether now, so maybe it will land somewhere. I have to say something to Priscilla eventually, maybe she won't care one way or the other. Maybe it won't matter unless/until Penelope or some other aspect of all this manifests in my life in some way that impacts her (Priscilla) directly. Penelope insists that time is not the enemy, that there's no reason I can't continue in my mundane existence indefinitely. That's part of the "being present" realization I had earlier. I just ch...