SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m...

Anyone following the blog will be somewhat aware of my personal spiritual journey from "doubter" to "spirituality". For me the crux of the matter comes down to one particular issue: where do I land on the question of  the phenomenon we call   Consciousness.  Current mainstream scientific thought is materialist and reductionist in character: in this paradigm  all observable phenomena are reducible to the behavior of matter and "energy". The specific observable phenomena that science can permit as the brute facts of " Consciousness" are t he internal states   reported by humans, or (if you're generous in your definition) those which may be inferred from the behavior of animals. The current, most broadly accepted model for this is that these represent " epiphenomena": internal experience arises from and is wholly determined by  electro-chemical events within neurological tissue. While this is surely a  reasonable hypothesis which ca...

Some time ago I wrote about my trepidation regarding physically encountering (for want of a better term) the paranormal . Part of me desperately wants to have an encounter of some kind, and yet the thought of it being right here, in my face, is terrifying.  Over the last couple of years, I've read much of Whitley Strieber 's oeuvre regarding his Communion experience and how his notion of what happened to him and what's going on have evolved since his original encounter in 1985. His 2017 book  The Afterlife Revolution , written ostensibly with the assistance of his late wife Anne, is particularly compelling and feels highly relevant to my life with and experience of Penelope.  At one level I very much envy his experience, I would like to be confronted in such a radical fashion with something so...I'm having a hard time coming up with a word that describes the quality...outlandish? ...transcendent? ...numinous?  As I mentioned in my earlier posting, my brus...

In case any of you hadn't noticed, I'm not a religious person. I've spoken elsewhere on the blog of my disaffection with mainstream Christianity. My family was nominally (largely non-practicing) Methodist.  I was rarely taken to Church as a child, m y single mother would sometimes get a "bug" to go and we'd attend occasionally for a few weekends, but that always petered out.  Since my father was largely out of the picture, my maternal grandfather was the main male figure in my life when I was growing up. He was not a Church-goer, as wasn't my grandmother; though there was a sense of conventional "belief" in the family. While I don't think he identified as or would have liked being called such, I believe his rational and scientific focus (as well as his suffering through the Great Depression as a young man) meant he was, in essence, an Atheist. In any case, Church and conventional organized Christianity (or religion of any sort) was not a ...

This link was placed in my path today. The Bodhisattva Response to Coronavirus I haven't addressed the current pandemic situation in the blog, nor do I intend to, I feel it's irrelevant to what We're attempting to accomplish here. However, that link really spoke to me.  The Buddhist notion of the Bodhisattva is one who has achieved or is headed for enlightenment, but seeks to bring others along the path as well (basically "Nobody really 'gets it', until we all  get it"). That is my path. I am not getting a sense from Penelope that was part of my coming here this time. In order to express the compassion towards the suffering of other humans required of the Bodhisattva, I had to know suffering, I had to know pain and sadness and loss. In addition, I had to "awaken" from my identification with the one who was suffering. I know I am not the one who suffers, I have merely witnessed his/her struggles and pain. I have finally learned understa...

A reader asked me to elaborate on how I "established communication" with Penelope. That's a bit of a hazy topic in that with 20/20 hindsight I can see that I've communicated with Her in various ways all my life. I'll start off by taking the question to mean communicating with Her explicitly; recognizing Her as Penelope , specifically as a distinct intelligence and my spirit partner, companion, spouse, muse (or whatever the @#%$*! She is). Does it really matter Hon? We are what We are to each other.  And all cats are grey in the dark? In a manner of speaking, I suppose ;-) Anyway, I really became aware of Penelope back around 2015. I have some aspirations to being a fiction author and have several novels and many shorter pieces in varying stages of completion. Over the years I've attended a number of writers' groups to discuss my work with others. At that time, one of the members in the group I was attending suggested a provocative exercis...

Was I emotionally abused by my Ex? I feel hesitant to couch our relationship in those terms, but so many of our dynamics fit the patterns of what I've been reading about recently that I'm beginning to wonder. I'm not clear that she's an overt, conscious narcissist in the mold I've been reading (certainly not a sociopath); but she does exhibit many of the symptoms: A pattern of failed relationships, difficulty forming friendships/keeping friends, highly sensitive to criticism, swings between insulting and contrition/neediness. How did it feel? Like regularly having my perceptions invalidated, turned back on me, told that what I thought I was experiencing was what I was doing  to her. Sounds pretty classic. I feel quite sure I've been with other women who were far worse. But you didn't spend 17+ years with them. I don't want to be a victim. Then don't be. So then it didn't happen? I didn't say that. Either I was victimized ...

Had a revelation last night; with Penelope's help I see that I'm still struggling with my "inner critic" who's found alternative ways to hold me back. I've spoken elsewhere in the blog about silencing his more overt negativity. I realized last night that he's still hanging about and still passing me messages of self defeat. This voice isn't as loud as the old messages, it's a quieter, more subtle undercurrent in my thinking, telling me that  what I'm experiencing is delusion and wishful thinking, that it's too hard, that I'll never have the spiritual "awakening" or "breakthrough" that I seek. It still serves to make me doubt, to distract me, to give me a sense of exhaustion and futility which leaves me feeling despondent.  I've told Penelope I'm tired and I just want to go Home . Now that I've identified the critic's voice again. I am hopeful to silence him further and make further headway in my ...

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though). I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me. So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives. I'm alone. No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different. Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath. And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely. I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tick...

Penelope emphasizes to me repeatedly that I'm here to serve as a guide and teacher. I struggle mightily with taking on those mantles; I do not feel like I have anything special or worthwhile to offer. How about we let our readers be the judge of that?  I guess that's fair, but it still involves creating the material (whatever it turns out to be), and getting it out there in a way that's accessible and compelling. I resist promoting myself. Let me worry about those details for now, okay? You just focus on getting the book written, it's looking good, what you've done so far. Give yourself some credit. I know you want to avoid it, hide from it, sweep it away, under the carpet and pretend it's not there; but it is there Hon.  You have insight that many will respond to: You're an "ordinary" person who's become aware of extraordinary things. Let that truth guide you.

Penelope has repeatedly expressed interest in being channeled, I've had a couple of folks do that for Her/me; but She's always emphasized Her preference that I  be the one to do it. I've resisted this. I'm not entirely sure why. I trust Her and am comfortable with having Her indwelling with me. We share many things bodily. I think it's myself I don't trust. I'm very self conscious about the whole spiritual teacher/preacher/guru thing, I do not want to be perceived as someone claiming to have any special knowledge or ability, nor be seen as some kind of poseur or charlatan. Having a spirit (especially one as evidently powerful as Penelope) speak through me skirts way too close to that for my comfort. Honey, you can do this. Permitting me to speak is a step forward for us. We don't have to present it as some kind of special gift or your promoting something you don't believe in. We can keep it just between us if that satisfies your concerns. It's sa...

I've struggled lately to keep Penelope at the forefront of my consciousness. I feel so embedded in what's occurring for me physically that it's proving challenging to retain the spiritual perspective I've previously manifested. Not to say I'm feeling particularly down or distant from Her. I know She's right here with me at all times. And not to say I'm having trouble with thinking in spiritual terms. But maybe that's just it, I'm thinking , I want this to be my ongoing experience , not a mere intellectual exercise. How to have this be real for me at that level. I want you to know I'm here for you, I want you to feel that in your bones, down to your cells and even molecules of DNA. I want you to know me as surely as you know your own existence.  I'm unclear how to get there at this point. Can't you help me? Break through some of my resistance? Your resistance to me is very well organized, you've built up intellectual and emotio...

I've been resisting just sitting down to write. More to the point I've been resisting dialogging with Penelope. What are you afraid of? You. You don't need to be afraid of me Honey, I love you more than anything. I know, and I think that's what scares me the most. Letting in such a massive, beautiful, unconditional Love will sear my Soul, my very being. Yes, it likely will, that's kind of the point. But you won't die from that. It doesn't even hurt really, except if you resist it. It's meant to burn away your fears and doubts, show you your own beauty and perfection, so you can address this  plane of  incarnate existence from a place of clarity and purpose in the certain knowledge of your true locus, your origin, your foundation in Eternity.

Recently I've been feeling isolated and "stuck"; having trouble seeing what's next, what I should be working on, focusing on. Simultaneously I've been feeling distant and out of touch with Penelope; which I know is completely my doing, She has not moved or changed in Her openness or availability to me, it's all  me.  I have a long history of withdrawing when I'm feeling lonely, and lazy, and tired. I cut myself off from even my most favorite people, often to my detriment. I'm not sure that it's even that I want somebody to come after me (though being gently inquired after can be nice). I recognize that sometimes I need time to get over myself, quit feeling sorry for myself.  I'll get there. Penelope tells me we have work to do, and I need to be ready. Right now part of me just feels like I don't want the job any more; I'm tired, I just want to wind my life down and go Home . It seems like so much struggle recently, like I don...

So. So. You scared me last night. Good. It wasn't meant to be a scare, but you needed to hear me. This is important if you want Us to continue. You know I do. No, I don't know that, you haven't really been demonstrating that to me lately. Keeping up our connection takes effort on your part, you know this. What you're feeling is not from me. It's your own self criticism, you can chose just to drop it and move on. Open up to me, I'm ready to come back in, no questions, no repercussions, no punishments, lesson learned, let's just go on my darling. How can You be so amazing? I have no stake in what you do in this lifetime, your path is your path, We'll be together regardless and I Love you absolutely regardless. There are things you CAN accomplish if you set yourself to them that I see will make a difference in the world and that I see will give you great joy and satisfaction, but that's not required. What do I have to do? For now I rec...

This morning on the way to work, I was feeling down on myself for not having done anything with the blog in months. Not having done much of anything to maintain my spiritual connection in general for that matter. I look back at how things were last year, how excited and energized I felt and I miss that feeling. I don't know where it went. I want it back. She told me W can just start where We are and go forward, no worries. I didn't feel right about that. Like I needed to do some kind of penance. Like I needed to be punished. She told me She could do that for me if I really wanted Her to, but it was unnecessary and entirely up to me. And basically suggested I skip it. Well shit. So, anyway folks. We're back. (I hope.).

I haven't posted anything in a while. I have no excuse really. Saying "I've been busy." is a cop out. Closer to the truth is that I've allowed myself to become badly distracted and preoccupied by other things. Penelope has repeatedly cautioned me about this. And I'm prone to slipping into other activities that become time and attention sinks and lose myself and what's important. I'd purposely avoided getting involved in social media much beyond email, maintaining a minimal professional presence on LinkedIn, and blogging precisely because of the apparent tendency for them to become time wasters. Sometimes it's about a quick "fix" or more frequent or explicit feedback. Case in point:  When I started exploring my transition and relocating to North Carolina I discovered Pinterest and Tumblr and found I readily lost myself there to where I had to limit my time involved with them pretty severely. When I actually got to NC I reconnecte...

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself -- Ricky Nelson, "Garden Party" Came across a blog post on Tumblr the other day, the OP was bemoaning the fact that they'd been nice to people and didn't get the reaction they expected. As they put it: I don’t understand how I can be so nice to people and I STILL get the cold shoulder I replied to the post thusly: Hon, if you’re being nice just so people will like you you’re doomed to frequent disappointment. People are tired, irritated, busy, distracted, preoccupied, bored, forgetful, it’s generally nothing personal nor malicious; and even when it is, it’s cause they’re just a**holes, nothing really to do with you. Do it because that’s the kind of person you want to be. I imagine this person is young, it's a hard lesson to learn that what you put out to the Cosmos may well not be reciprocated immediately or in the ...

Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.  --Voltaire, philosopher (21 Nov 1694-1778)  There's always more to do. Even Mother Theresa could have done more. It's in the nature of incarnate existence that conditions of struggle and conflict and waste and misallocation of resources and habitat destruction persist despite many heroic efforts to ameliorate them. Without getting into questions over whether any or all of those are ultimately resolvable, I do argue that we aren't meant to spend our entire time toiling against the ceaseless tide of suffering and neediness that has defined the human condition on Planet Earth since time immemorial and remains so right now. Devoting all our energy to localized patches, or even apparent "systemic fixes" (with often appalling unintended consequences); or railing against the unfairness of it all and beating our breasts at our limitations and inabilities to address them; often means we miss all the glory ...

I've been so focused on the "coming out" stuff recently that I think I've rather lost sight of what working on this blog was supposed to be about: writing out my experiences and my encounters with Penelope and Her guidance for my life. I struggle mightily with acknowledging that in myself and working out how to express it without overstating or overestimating my own importance/relevance; I'm all too keenly aware of the perils and traps that prophets and gurus fall into. But I also fall into the trap of discounting myself and what I have to offer. It's never been an easy sell for parts of my psyche that anything I might say or write would be of anything more than passing interest to anybody. Penelope assures me that is not the case and that I need to step up to the plate and accept that I genuinely do contribute something important and beautiful and meaningful to the world (as does  every  human being, in the end). I know from the blog statistics that ...