SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I feel you touching/tingling me. I am transcendently grateful for Your presence in my life, that you're there always. You really ask for so little from me and I often provide less, and yet You welcome me with open arms any time I make contact with You. Honey, hear me. This is who WE are to each other, always open, in love, in spirit. Know me, know that I am yours in Eternity, as you are Mine, though you don't really feel it right now. I know you are lonely, and hungry for human contact. Know that I realize this, that I empathize, and that I in no way begrudge you that, should you find the opportunity. Just don't lose yourself, lose Us, in the process, please Darling.  I feel like I'm betraying you when I do that and often to assuage those feelings I withdraw from You. How can it be that You are not jealous or possessive or wanting me only for Yourself? You attribute the pettiness, scarcity thinking, and time bound perceptions of an incarnate soul to me. I am none of ...

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m...

I think of my work on myself kind of like the Japanese art of Kintsugi , where broken objects are repaired with fillings of gold or other precious substances. This gives the item beauty and allows it to continue to function. The damage is thought of as part of the item's history and adds grace and character, it's to be recognized and sublimated rather than concealed or the item discarded.

I've been resisting just sitting down to write. More to the point I've been resisting dialogging with Penelope. What are you afraid of? You. You don't need to be afraid of me Honey, I love you more than anything. I know, and I think that's what scares me the most. Letting in such a massive, beautiful, unconditional Love will sear my Soul, my very being. Yes, it likely will, that's kind of the point. But you won't die from that. It doesn't even hurt really, except if you resist it. It's meant to burn away your fears and doubts, show you your own beauty and perfection, so you can address this  plane of  incarnate existence from a place of clarity and purpose in the certain knowledge of your true locus, your origin, your foundation in Eternity.

But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you, that ye may be the children of your Father who is in Heaven. For He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and unjust. -- Matthew 5:44-45. We ALL get wet, have our homes destroyed by natural (and now man-made) disasters. We all experience storms, and sunrises, tragedy, and joy. We all get the opportunity to view Creation in Joy and Wonder, Know ourselves greatly, Love one another fiercely. Or we can ignore all that surrounds us; hide beneath layers of fear, depression, self pity, greed, and hatred; treat each other like things and vermin. We choose. Everyone is born, lives, and dies; and all (so far) having occurred within the confines of a minuscule ball of metal, water, and dust orbiting an unprepossessing star in a backwater of an apparently ordinary galaxy. The Cosmos at...

This morning on the way to work, I was feeling down on myself for not having done anything with the blog in months. Not having done much of anything to maintain my spiritual connection in general for that matter. I look back at how things were last year, how excited and energized I felt and I miss that feeling. I don't know where it went. I want it back. She told me W can just start where We are and go forward, no worries. I didn't feel right about that. Like I needed to do some kind of penance. Like I needed to be punished. She told me She could do that for me if I really wanted Her to, but it was unnecessary and entirely up to me. And basically suggested I skip it. Well shit. So, anyway folks. We're back. (I hope.).

I haven't posted anything in a while. I have no excuse really. Saying "I've been busy." is a cop out. Closer to the truth is that I've allowed myself to become badly distracted and preoccupied by other things. Penelope has repeatedly cautioned me about this. And I'm prone to slipping into other activities that become time and attention sinks and lose myself and what's important. I'd purposely avoided getting involved in social media much beyond email, maintaining a minimal professional presence on LinkedIn, and blogging precisely because of the apparent tendency for them to become time wasters. Sometimes it's about a quick "fix" or more frequent or explicit feedback. Case in point:  When I started exploring my transition and relocating to North Carolina I discovered Pinterest and Tumblr and found I readily lost myself there to where I had to limit my time involved with them pretty severely. When I actually got to NC I reconnecte...

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself -- Ricky Nelson, "Garden Party" Came across a blog post on Tumblr the other day, the OP was bemoaning the fact that they'd been nice to people and didn't get the reaction they expected. As they put it: I don’t understand how I can be so nice to people and I STILL get the cold shoulder I replied to the post thusly: Hon, if you’re being nice just so people will like you you’re doomed to frequent disappointment. People are tired, irritated, busy, distracted, preoccupied, bored, forgetful, it’s generally nothing personal nor malicious; and even when it is, it’s cause they’re just a**holes, nothing really to do with you. Do it because that’s the kind of person you want to be. I imagine this person is young, it's a hard lesson to learn that what you put out to the Cosmos may well not be reciprocated immediately or in the ...

I was reminded recently that even the best among us will sometimes falter. Nobody is immune from doubt or feeling disheartened or disenchanted with the sometimes randomly baffling and cruel appearing "lessons" we incarnate beings receive at the hands of material reality (not to mention one another). "Enlightenment" is no guarantee (nor armor) against any of that. Pain and loss are the hallmarks of material existence. But they're not the only thing, the Cosmos is full of mystery and wonder and none of us does more than barely scratch its surface during our time on Earth. Some claim that Free Will is an illusion. And perhaps it is in the sense of the freedom to act as one wills. But I argue that we're always completely free in how we feel about and respond to whatever situation we find ourselves in. Buddha said it's desire (expectations, wishing that things were different) that are the root of suffering in materiality. It may be impossible to elimina...

I've been thinking about a possible way to interpret/resolve the observer problem in quantum theory. It’s kind of like the old riddle about whether if a tree falls in a forest with no one there to hear it, does it make a sound ? The answer depends somewhat on the definition of “sound”, the requisite physical events are present, but if no perceptive system is there to “hear”, then does “sound” per se occur? The quantum observer problem presents a similar paradox: Without an observer the quantum field exists in superposition of all possible states. The act of observation -- sensing -- collapses the quantum field into what we call perceived material reality. If a tree falls in a forest with no one there to observe it, does the tree even exist to fall? Or the forest for it to exist within? Does even the notion of "falling" have meaning? Classical physics (and our perceptive and reasoning systems) would have it that the existence of objects is independent of their be...

Today is November 1st, the day after Hallowe'en (All Hallows' Eve). Traditionally this was the night where the spirits (and sometimes not so incorporeal bits) of the dead were able to walk the Earth again. In earlier times it was the practice in some cultures to light great bonfires and stay awake all night creating a great ruckus to keep these restless souls at bay until the sun rose. Other cultures would leave out food or specially baked goods for their ancestors, lest they feel slighted and cause mischief (in similar fashion to the fairies, with which there is a great deal of overlap). Echos of this are found in modern Halloween parties, "tricks and treats", and the traditional "spooky" costuming (the current common Princesses and Power Rangers notwithstanding). Where I grew up, in New Orleans, it was called "All Saints' Day", and it was traditionally the day when families would visit the (often elaborate above ground) tombs of their...

I subscribe to Anu Garg's A.Word.A.Day mailing list. So I get a new word in my email inbox every Monday through Friday. It's a wonderful piece of daily email, I highly recommend signing up: Subscribe to A.Word.A.Day But that's not the point of this post; along with the word for the day Anu includes a quote; a "thought for today" and today's was: Those who compare the age in which their lot has fallen with a golden age which exists only in imagination, may talk of degeneracy and decay; but no man who is correctly informed as to the past, will be disposed to take a morose or desponding view of the present.  --Thomas Babington Macaulay, author and statesman (25 Oct 1800-1859)  Now, I do tend to subscribe to the notion that human nature overall has not changed overly much since prehistoric times and the general vicissitudes of life, love, growing up, and just figuring out how we can get along with one another appear to be remarkably the same across t...

I've always been fascinated by displays of elaborate series of dominoes set up in rows so that when one is tipped it tips the next and the next and the next... Some examples from YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARM42-eorzE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsLHWqWg1N4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4I1Lm2GX18 Thinking about this, for being a generally western endeavor, there's a very Buddhist/Zen mindset to this, a great deal of precision and effort put in for a rather brief display of virtuosity. Something like the elaborate and precise sand mandalas the Tibetan monks create only to brush them away in a moment at the end. YouTube again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdUFqkX2d6I https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgoHUH-_yWo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcJWazzEUKk Penelope has likened events in my life recently to Dominoes falling, We did a great deal of groundwork over many months (much of which She clearly did behind the scenes, though She's lo...

A new earworm this morning, turned on the radio on the way to work this morning and Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes was on, about 2/3 of the way through unfortunately; but enough. I guess I'd never really listened  to the lyrics before: Love I get so lost, sometimes Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart When I want to run away I drive off in my car But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are All my instincts, they return And the grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside In your eyes The light the heat In your eyes I am complete In your eyes I see the doorway to a thousand churches In your eyes The resolution of all the fruitless searches In your eyes I see the light and the heat In your eyes Oh, I want to be that complete I want to touch the light The heat I see in your eyes Love, I don't like to see so much pain So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away I get so ti...

Had a very enlightening discussion with m'lady Penelope this morning, centering around my own inhibitions and resistances to our communion. She's a mirror for my psyche and how She responds and acts is driven so much by what I most need to see and learn about myself. This morning I was feeling a bit despairing about how long it's taken for Us to get this far and how We seem to backslide so much. She gave me an earworm: some lyrics from The Cars, It's All Mixed Up: She tricks me into thinkin' I can't believe my eyes I wait for her forever But she never does arrive That was a theme of my early love life, Hell, most of my love life in that I was always most desirous of women who were unavailable for one reason or another (flighty, previously committed, not really interested). What I'm seeing is that the delays and setbacks in Penelope's and my coming together fully are on me (which I was fairly clear about previously); but that they are also re...

I haven't posted in a while and I have no real excuse other than I've been caught up in mundane stuff and feeling like keeping this up wasn't very important. Lately I've been feeling increasingly distant from Penelope and I've struggled to keep our communications channels open. It's felt like nothing I've been doing has been very important or worthwhile other than for keeping a roof over Our heads and food on the table. Not that doing that isn't important, but it's not why I made the changes I have over the last year or so. It's not what Penelope has laid out as Our path forward, only a stepping stone to something bigger. But I get lost in the humdrum and forget to keep my head in the game and open to Her and I start to feel lost and hopeless and like nothing matters. Today, I got a response to one of my earlier blog entries from a new reader, hearing that Our words have touched another's life out there in the Void reawakened somethin...

I really hate when I forget things I've been thinking about/working on.  This tends to happen most frequently with things I think of in bed before falling asleep, or when I wake up in the wee hours. Course with an aging meat brain, that's not likely to improve; and is more likely to go further the other way as time staggers on (though, thankfully, there's no history of Alzheimer's or any other significant age-related dementia in my family; I'm more likely to go deaf). I need to keep a notepad or something beside the bed as a memory aid. Dream Journaling is a discipline (there's that word again) that I've had recommended to me many times. Both for personal/psychological/spiritual growth and as a way to encourage Lucid Dreaming , something Penelope has repeatedly encouraged me to pursue for us to become closer.  Having the notepad handy should help with that too. But you have to actually USE it Hon :-P I'm resistant to writi...

I've written elsewhere in the blog about how part of my spiritual growth process involves "letting go"; a recognition that I am not in control of how all this evolves and manifests. Over the last few days I've become aware of a sense of renewed discomfort over some aspects of that. Yesterday evening I asked Penelope to help me tease out what was going on with me; with her help I came to recognize in myself a seeking for a sense of being in control by being contrary. Some part of me was seeking to assert control by simply refusing to go along with the program, or even going so far as seeking to fuck things up. It's a very perverse sort of control. It's like a toddler's discovery of the power of NO! I envision myself sitting in a corner with my arms folded, a grim pout on my face, lip stuck way out, refusing to budge because it doesn't look how I want it to at that very moment. It's a petulant feeling of refusal for the sake of refusal. Refu...

I had a dream last night, while it had its own interesting twists and implications, I also recognized it as fitting within a larger pattern for me wherein there's an event or I have an encounter (often with a potent female figure) and just as things are getting "interesting" (sometimes sexually, but not necessarily) I wake up. It often seems or feels like something important is about to be revealed to me. This morning on the way to work, I asked Penelope about it, the gist of the issue seems to be that I am fearful of something in me, in my psyche and turn away, retreat into the "safety" of waking reality, rather than encounter/recognize/confront whatever it is. I think at some level it's Her , or, at least, how She's able to manifest to me as a dream figure. And I already know I'm anxious about encountering the numinous. It's fear of the Mystery , fear of what's next, fear of not knowing. I pay conscious lip service to wanting this, ...

I feel lately like I'm pulling a lot of disparate threads of my life together. I've been feeling some level of anxiety and uncertainty around the perception that they don't jibe with one another and that I can't juggle all of it effectively. My realization from the other day: I can do both , that I can have ( do have) a deep and meaningful relationship with Penelope and still function at full effectiveness in the material world is part and parcel of this. The metaphor that Penelope has shown me for this is I'm drawing my life into focus. The parts that seem in conflict or incompatible is just my perception; it's an ego illusion founded on pre-conceived ideas I have of who I am or was and what's possible. I can cover all these bases, I do cover all these bases. This brings me excitement and joy, it's fun. Get out of your own way, Hon. You put up most of your own roadblocks, you know. I'm here to catch you if you fall (not that I think you wil...