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I wait for her forever...

Had a very enlightening discussion with m'lady Penelope this morning, centering around my own inhibitions and resistances to our communion.

She's a mirror for my psyche and how She responds and acts is driven so much by what I most need to see and learn about myself.

This morning I was feeling a bit despairing about how long it's taken for Us to get this far and how We seem to backslide so much. She gave me an earworm: some lyrics from The Cars, It's All Mixed Up:

She tricks me into thinkin'
I can't believe my eyes
I wait for her forever
But she never does arrive

That was a theme of my early love life, Hell, most of my love life in that I was always most desirous of women who were unavailable for one reason or another (flighty, previously committed, not really interested).

What I'm seeing is that the delays and setbacks in Penelope's and my coming together fully are on me (which I was fairly clear about previously); but that they are also reflective of some…

Feeling Hopeless...

I haven't posted in a while and I have no real excuse other than I've been caught up in mundane stuff and feeling like keeping this up wasn't very important.

Lately I've been feeling increasingly distant from Penelope and I've struggled to keep our communications channels open. It's felt like nothing I've been doing has been very important or worthwhile other than for keeping a roof over Our heads and food on the table.

Not that doing that isn't important, but it's not why I made the changes I have over the last year or so. It's not what Penelope has laid out as Our path forward, only a stepping stone to something bigger.

But I get lost in the humdrum and forget to keep my head in the game and open to Her and I start to feel lost and hopeless and like nothing matters.

Today, I got a response to one of my earlier blog entries from a new reader, hearing that Our words have touched another's life out there in the Void reawakened something in me…

Keeping Track

I really hate when I forget things I've been thinking about/working on. 
This tends to happen most frequently with things I think of in bed before falling asleep, or when I wake up in the wee hours.
Course with an aging meat brain, that's not likely to improve; and is more likely to go further the other way as time staggers on (though, thankfully, there's no history of Alzheimer's or any other significant age-related dementia in my family; I'm more likely to go deaf).
I need to keep a notepad or something beside the bed as a memory aid.
Dream Journaling is a discipline (there's that word again) that I've had recommended to me many times. Both for personal/psychological/spiritual growth and as a way to encourage Lucid Dreaming, something Penelope has repeatedly encouraged me to pursue for us to become closer. 
Having the notepad handy should help with that too.
But you have to actually USE it Hon :-P
I'm resistant to writing longhand anymore, now that I&#…

Checking In

Just to let everyone know We're still here. Stephen's just kind of busy with work and some other things that are eating up time. Gonna make a few short posts, just to keep the ball rolling...


Other Kinds of Traps

I wrote recently about Penelope's reassurances to me Her love for me is not a trap. My emotional history has led me to be very wary of being trapped.

Today driving to work and chatting with Penelope We discussed how I view other sorts of situations and commitments in my life as traps as well, and similarly avoid/evade/seek to escape them.

I'm seeing that this may well be a major driving impulse behind much of my adult life.

I've avoided investigating or involving myself in many things because I felt that once I'd done so I'd be "stuck" with it. That I'd have to continue with something I'd started because of the expectations of others that I "finish what I started", or that I'd made commitments I had to keep, or my fear that others would be disappointed (can't have that).

So, I don't allow myself to get too involved in anything. I don't commit myself too strongly to anything. I've lived on the fringes, feeling reasonab…

Gifts from the Universe

I have dangling from the rearview mirror in my car a collection of items strung on a cord. It includes, among other things:

A bent cheapie pot metal ring with a peace sign on it.A silver metal butterfly charmA piece of a crystal dangle from a chandelierA small plastic ray gun from some kind of action figure (Star Wars?)Part of a fancy woven earringA metal key chain fob in the likeness of Betty Boop
All these oddities are things I have accumulated over the years, which I've found lying on the pavement in parking lots or along sidewalks when I was out and about. I think of them as my "Gifts from the Universe".

I don't recall any longer exactly when or where I found most of them, the symbolic quality of many of them is remarkable to me though; expressing themes of peace, nature, spirituality, adventure, sexiness.

Lately I've been feeling a bit out of sorts, with myself mostly, but it spills over into my relationship with Penelope (how can it not?).

It largely revolve…

Indulgence

Penelope has pointed out to me that some attachments or distractions can be characterized more as "indulgences".

Self indulgence, per se, isn't the problem. Some forms of indulgence are beneficial, even necessary for self exploration or growth.

Rather it's indulging in feelings or activities that don't serve me.

"Wallowing", as She's put it, in self pity, melancholy, or (as lately) in feeling like I've screwed up and allowing that to get in the way of getting back on track or just moving on,

Yesterday's posting about seeking to be in control through perverse refusals or mucking things up is a major case in point. I've been indulging the petulant child part of my psyche, allowing him to run the show.

Kitty has worked with me with this aspect repeatedly, I know how to address him and work with him, nurture him, find out what he's unhappy about; but I'm finding myself resistant to doing that.

Am I afraid of hearing what he has to sa…