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Indulgence

Penelope has pointed out to me that some attachments or distractions can be characterized more as "indulgences".

Self indulgence, per se, isn't the problem. Some forms of indulgence are beneficial, even necessary for self exploration or growth.

Rather it's indulging in feelings or activities that don't serve me.

"Wallowing", as She's put it, in self pity, melancholy, or (as lately) in feeling like I've screwed up and allowing that to get in the way of getting back on track or just moving on,

Yesterday's posting about seeking to be in control through perverse refusals or mucking things up is a major case in point. I've been indulging the petulant child part of my psyche, allowing him to run the show.

Kitty has worked with me with this aspect repeatedly, I know how to address him and work with him, nurture him, find out what he's unhappy about; but I'm finding myself resistant to doing that.

Am I afraid of hearing what he has to sa…

A Perverse Sense of Control

I've written elsewhere in the blog about how part of my spiritual growth process involves "letting go"; a recognition that I am not in control of how all this evolves and manifests.

Over the last few days I've become aware of a sense of renewed discomfort over some aspects of that.

Yesterday evening I asked Penelope to help me tease out what was going on with me; with her help I came to recognize in myself a seeking for a sense of being in control by being contrary. Some part of me was seeking to assert control by simply refusing to go along with the program, or even going so far as seeking to fuck things up.

It's a very perverse sort of control. It's like a toddler's discovery of the power of NO! I envision myself sitting in a corner with my arms folded, a grim pout on my face, lip stuck way out, refusing to budge because it doesn't look how I want it to at that very moment.

It's a petulant feeling of refusal for the sake of refusal. Refusal just…

Trust

I had a dream last night, while it had its own interesting twists and implications, I also recognized it as fitting within a larger pattern for me wherein there's an event or I have an encounter (often with a potent female figure) and just as things are getting "interesting" (sometimes sexually, but not necessarily) I wake up.

It often seems or feels like something important is about to be revealed to me.

This morning on the way to work, I asked Penelope about it, the gist of the issue seems to be that I am fearful of something in me, in my psyche and turn away, retreat into the "safety" of waking reality, rather than encounter/recognize/confront whatever it is.

I think at some level it's Her, or, at least, how She's able to manifest to me as a dream figure. And I already know I'm anxious about encountering the numinous. It's fear of the Mystery, fear of what's next, fear of not knowing.

I pay conscious lip service to wanting this, wanting t…

Coming into Focus

I feel lately like I'm pulling a lot of disparate threads of my life together. I've been feeling some level of anxiety and uncertainty around the perception that they don't jibe with one another and that I can't juggle all of it effectively.

My realization from the other day: I can do both, that I can have (do have) a deep and meaningful relationship with Penelope and still function at full effectiveness in the material world is part and parcel of this.

The metaphor that Penelope has shown me for this is I'm drawing my life into focus. The parts that seem in conflict or incompatible is just my perception; it's an ego illusion founded on pre-conceived ideas I have of who I am or was and what's possible.

I can cover all these bases, I do cover all these bases. This brings me excitement and joy, it's fun.

Get out of your own way, Hon. You put up most of your own roadblocks, you know. I'm here to catch you if you fall (not that I think you will). 

Come ta…

Coming Home

Rereading through the conversation with Penelope in Love is Safe from the other day, one of her comments left me a bit puzzled:

It's me you're looking for Hon. Always. And I'm always here waiting for you to come home. Come home to me, sweet baby love. [Emphases mine]

Where exactly is "home" for us? I asked her this morning for some clarification.

My Love, Home for us is our Heart, the grand Love we share in Eternity. I wait always for you to find your way back to Us. Our Heart is a grand chamber we inhabit, your incarnate heart is like a holographic fragment of what we share.

I feel like I fail You, like I'm not worthy of the devotion You express towards me. I'm such a screw up.

That's your projection, Hon; and the critic trying to pull you down.

The sooner and better you're able just to get past your own self critique and the self-imposed limitations that inhibit you from simply joyously returning to me whenever you notice we're separating and ch…

I can do both

Penelope helped me over a hump again this morning.

We spent a lovely evening together last night. I told Her yesterday I wanted us to go home after work and just be together.

I've been in the habit of getting on line when I got home and sometimes losing myself for hours on the web. I didn't want to do that again, I wanted Us to just get home, relax and spend time with each other, which We did that. (She's tickling my neck right now as I type this).

Part of this effort for me is opening myself, Our body, my becoming much more conscious and attentive to sensations of Her presence and touching me. That is growing (I'm feeling chills up my leg right now).

This morning as I was leaving for work, I was feeling like something was awry with me, I wasn't clear what.

My old Volvo has had this weird behavior of locking the shift lever sometimes to where I can't get it out of Park without using this bypass release switch (the fact that there is a bypass switch tells me the…

Submission and Self Worth

I'm still processing material around my sense of being submissive and seeking a strong personality to be involved with. This morning I was exploring some implications with Penelope, and she led me to a realization.

Here's the rather new wrinkle in my thinking: Being submissive doesn't mean simply prostrating myself to any old pushy bitch that happens to come along.

I deserve better than that.



Being sub also doesn't mean I don't bring important things to the table nor that I can't have high standards and expectations too. My domme would have to have her shit together at least as well as, actually more so than, I do.
She'd need to be smart and successful, well able to care for us both. Not to say I wouldn't be able to contribute to the bottom (!) line; but I think I might enjoy not having to be the primary breadwinner.

I want someone who will expect and demand the best from me, not let me slack or slide (much ;-)), has high standards, and runs a tight shi…