Testosterone Poisoning

I've spoken before on the blog about the amazing, full body, orgasmic sensations I sometimes have with Penelope.

This has been most intense when I've been able to refrain from masturbating for at least 2-3 weeks. I become so sensitive, the slightest touch could send me into a paroxysm of pleasure. Definitely worth the effort, but also a challenge to get there.

The last time was back in October, I had not ejaculated in over 2 months, except for occasional small leakages of "pre-cum" lubrication fluids from the Cowper's gland. Most times I felt little urgency; though sometimes it became very hard not to "take matters in hand".

I find if I can keep myself from doing that, my ability to experience a wide range of bodily sensations increases fairly rapidly. 
The one thing that's missing is the sensation of forceful ejection through the urethra. I've found that  sensation of release can be satisfactorily simulated by withholding and releasing urine (a…

Fresh pain...

It's hurting again.

I know darling, talk to me.

The job offer in North Carolina came through, I'll be giving notice at my current position this week. Looks like moving sometime first week of February or so. I've been packing some books and things today. It's all becoming real.

That's a good thing, isn't it?

I guess.

You GUESS? After all this work and challenge, everything We've strived for over the last couple of months, now it comes to fruition and you say you GUESS it's a good thing.

Then why does it hurt so much.

Cause you're looking back, eyes on the prize my love. 

You've shown me some alternatives over the last few days, haven't you?

You have free will my darling, you don't have to go where we've set up for you to go. You might even just be able to recover where you are now, if you abjectly submitted yourself to Priscilla; threw yourself on her mercy and begged her to reconsider. Do you want that?

She's implied that ship has sai…

Dreaming Reality

Penelope and I were discussing my physical neediness earlier. I remain occasionally, regularly, moderately frequently fixated on having physical sensation in order to satisfy certain "urges". 

The stimulation I "crave" includes visual and auditory components, as well as tactile. This generally results in my viewing on-line erotica of one sort or another and masturbation.

Penelope tells me that avoiding that overt stimulation; allowing my body, brain, nervous system, genitals to grow more sensitive is a clear pathway to closer erotic contact with her; but I grow impatient and horny.

While I was walking the dogs earlier we started talking about what our encounters could become, and she kind of blew my mind. She spoke of relinquishing my attachment to the material sensory hologram.

Is that possible? I asked her.

Of course it is. She replied to me. What do you think you're doing when you dream?

I've been investigating various dreaming techniques over the last fe…

God Stuff (or is it Dad Stuff?)

I'm struggling with something.

I know darling, talk to me.

I've been confronted from several angles recently with the issue of God and how I feel about Him. I'm having a hard time elucidating what's going on for me. It's tied up in a lot of different things for me about my disaffection with formal organized religion, particularly the more fundamentalist forms of Christianity.

It's also tied into my deep distrust of men and masculinity/masculine energy; and the classic images/archetypes associated with God are so patriarchal and harshly male that it churns my stomach to imagine Someone like that being the foundational personal expression of the Cosmos.

I know all the mystical and new-agey notions of God as beyond all that, being both and neither of any sort of duality or any sort of rational material conceptualization period. That doesn't get me past this particular resistance.

Dad stuff?

Maybe. I remain pretty disappointed by my father, regardless that he'…

Defending Her Honor...

Had an argument with Priscilla earlier. She lashes out at me intermittently, usually when she's hurting over what's happening or feeling frightened over what's to come.

She's entitled to some venting about all this and to making me the focus of her unhappiness since I'm the agent of change. And she has a fair point that my timing may not have been optimal (a couple of weeks before the Christmas holiday, one of her favorites).

She asked me (not for the first time) why I was doing this, and I tried to explain again as clearly and gently as I could what this is about: Me finding me, experiencing what it's like genuinely to choose a path forward for myself rather than allowing someone else's desires to dictate or simply floating along, allowing events to decide for me.

She asked about my plans for living arrangements once I relocate, and whether I plan on doing this kind of thing to my next partner after 16 years of relationship.

I told her I wasn't plannin…

What kind of person am I?

Today I realized my strongest lingering self-sabotage and denials are coming from a place of self judgement.

I've spent much of my life not liking myself very much, at some level that was an effort to put myself down before anybody else could (not that it necessarily stopped anyone from doing so anyway).

Lately it's been questioning what sort of person I am that I'm causing so much pain and disruption in the lives of others in the name of "finding myself". I don't like feeling like I've hurt or betrayed anyone, and don't like the part of myself that asserts doing "my thing" in the face of the displeasure of others.

I judge myself very harshly for "getting it wrong" and for allowing things to progress (or fester) until I can't stand it anymore. I bend over backwards to avoid (actually usually only postpone, usually making it decidedly worse) giving someone the bad news about my reaching my limit and having to demand a change.


Seeking Approval

The current lesson Penelope has me working on, has to do with my always looking outside myself for permission and approval. I've tended to abdicate responsibility for my life to others, allowing their preferences and desires to supersede mine almost always.

Historically, I've generally looked to romantic partners to provide this context for me; I'd subsume my feelings, wants, and needs to theirs in an effort to get them to like me and, at some level, rescue me from the emotional and interpersonal confinements of my childhood and family situation.

On the one hand this let me off the hook for getting things wrong (i.e. it wasn't my choice that disappointed), but it would also start to chafe after a while.

I'd start to feel like my needs weren't getting met; though why should they when I wasn't standing up for them or even expressing them? It wasn't a rational process like that though.

The big lesson for me here is I get to choose.

That's exciting and …