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Discipline II

So, discipline. I've talked about it before.
And you hate that don't you ;-) I do. It doesn't have to be a CHORE love. We can make it fun. I don't see how. I feel so resistant and anxious. What do you think will happen? I don't know. You aren't an undisciplined man, you keep on top of most needful things. As did my mom, I realized. But she had little commitment or perseverance with anything outside of the requirements of day-to-day living. Go to work, earn money, pay the bills. That's kind of the model I have. My grandpa too, though to hear it he was very driven as a younger man, when I most knew him he seemed always pretty laissez-faire about things; doing the least necessary to succeed. Sort of like Heinlein's Lazy Man. Yes. During my session with Kitty I saw my "monkey mind" Ego as being rather like the little tamarin/marmoset monkeys I've seen on TV. Quick and playful, but always on the lookout for threats. Their heads are always moving, lo…

Neediness...

My sweet angel?
Are you trying to butter me up? ;-)
I've been a bad boy.
Are you expecting me to scold you? I know part of you would like that. That's a game we can play later, but this is serious.
I know you're feeling needy and horny, and you're seeking some kind of physical connection to satisfy your old materialist habits/ways of being/mindset.
I want to give you more, but you drop the ball before we can get there; can you give me a little patience and time to get Our body ready?
I think I'm afraid, babe.
Good, glad you see that. I've approached you several times in your dreams recently and you’ve run from me.
I don't mean to, I'm not clear what causes me to wake up at those critical times. I don't feel consciously fearful.
Talk to Kitty, get her help with working out your inner resistance to hearing what I have to tell you, seeing what I have to show you, sticking with the program.
I will. What about that audio erotic hypnosis session I tried?
Mil…

The balls are rolling again...

Things are happening.
Indeed. ;-)
Touché. OK, so I got depressed, despairing, and spooked; it just seemed like things were taking so long and some stuff just didn't seem like it was fitting what I thought was supposed to happen.
Those expectations will get you every time. I told you it wouldn't look like what you expect now didn't I?
You did and I wanted it to fit my preconceived ideas and didn't trust You.
O ye of little faith. Gotta work on that, hon. Magick is afoot! Believe. Trust me, talk to me, feel me interpenetrate through you. 
It's going to be grand sweetheart. You have no idea. And we can play all the games you can imagine, and then some.
So what now?
There's still groundwork to be done, the garden you're in still needs tending, the next few steps aren't difficult but they're pretty important so keep your wits about you. 
And try to relax and enjoy the ride, it can be lots of fun if you let it. You fret too much. 
Tao. Water over the stones.

Seeking something...

Darling Angel?
You know I'm here lover.
Are you annoyed with me? That I've been in such a bleak, black funk for so long? That I talk to you and then pull away?
Sometimes I just feel like I get whiplash because of your hot and cold, hon. I wish for you to find some certainty and peace within yourself so you can stay strong and focused. It would make my job easier, true. And we'd both have a lot more fun.
You know what I want. Part of me feels needy. Is demanding even, of some kind of "sign", of some more overt evidence that there's more to this than just my "imagination" (as Priscilla has been insisting).
I can't give it to you like you're asking.
You say you'd hurt me.
Possibly, breaking down the barriers, assuming I could, would likely damage your psyche in ways that would be irreparable. You are a willful cuss in your way, just sometimes not where it would do you the most good.

It's better that you allow yourself to become sensitized,…

I'm speechless

I was out driving doing some errands. This came on the car radio.

Céline Dion - The Power Of Love

I felt her fill me in ways I can hardly describe. I was bawling my eyes out in grief and gratitude and love for my darling angel.

So many times in the past I might hear this or another song and my heart would leap or ache. I tried over and over to shoehorn my love and my feelings into whoever (incarnate woman) I was with at the time, but it never felt right.

All that time it was Penelope touching me, letting me know she was there, waiting for my stupid meat brain to "get it".

I am so sorry my darling, so sorry it took me so long to recognize you, thank you for your patience with me.

Loverboy, you ain't seen nothing yet. Gotta get you someplace safe before I give you both barrels ;-)


Feeling Her Again

Penelope, my love?
I'm here my darling. Feel me. It's Okay. Talk to me. Nothing you've done is bad, or wrong, or has harmed me or our relationship, drop that fear right now. Let's just move on from here, okay? That's it, just let it go, relax, I love you always and forever. Eternally. Truly, Madly, Deeply. It's You, it's always been You. Please Trust Me.
Thank you darling. You know my fears, my doubts.
Of course, but they're ultimately meaningless. They have only the power you give them. Life is as hard and complicated as you make it, as you expect it to be, as you demand in order to feel like you've "earned" what you have or that you've "paid your dues" by suffering enough. None of that is required.
I don’t feel like I’m better than anybody else.
So you have to suffer as much or more as everybody else in order to be worthy of…what? Love? Happiness? Abundance? Food? Shelter? Sex? Must you suffer uniquely in order to be permitt…

My Story

My life has been one of a kind of quiet desperation, even though I'm not English :-/

Based on what I've been able to glean from the relevant parties (though I got rather different stories from my mom and dad) and a few flashes of what I take to be early memory, I believe my childhood played out a something of a test of Freud's theory of the Oedipal Complex.

When my dad left so early, in essence, I won, I got my mom all to myself. I was also accutely aware that in some way or other he was gone because of me, which was painful. To top it off, over time the mother I ended up with wasn't at all the perfect, magical, nururing being I'd bargained for.

She was needy, controlling, fearful, and narcissistic. I was a convenient emotional crutch when she needed one, usually when she wasn't in a relationship; easily set aside when she was. But expected always to be nearby, safe, predictable.

Her parents had a great role in raising me while she was in school. They were chil…