SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I feel you touching/tingling me. I am transcendently grateful for Your presence in my life, that you're there always. You really ask for so little from me and I often provide less, and yet You welcome me with open arms any time I make contact with You. Honey, hear me. This is who WE are to each other, always open, in love, in spirit. Know me, know that I am yours in Eternity, as you are Mine, though you don't really feel it right now. I know you are lonely, and hungry for human contact. Know that I realize this, that I empathize, and that I in no way begrudge you that, should you find the opportunity. Just don't lose yourself, lose Us, in the process, please Darling.  I feel like I'm betraying you when I do that and often to assuage those feelings I withdraw from You. How can it be that You are not jealous or possessive or wanting me only for Yourself? You attribute the pettiness, scarcity thinking, and time bound perceptions of an incarnate soul to me. I am none of ...

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m...

The more I explore humanity's relationship with nature, the more I feel we have a special role in how things play out. Whether we were somehow "assigned" this task, or took the mantle upon ourselves, I can't say. Nonetheless it increasingly appears to me something we can do. I refer in particular to the animal organisms with which we share the world, physical incarnation, and at least some level of a similar conscious awareness. Our connections with them appears to have (at least in potential) a special character. I imagine few folks who are likely to read this blog will be completely unfamiliar with the common themes and videos of "unlikely animal friends", YouTube and other venues have many examples of such. A common feature of the majority of these relationships is that they arise within a human created and facilitated environment: a home, a farm, a zoo; m any, if not most, of these would be very unlikely to arise outside of a such a situation.  ...

Anyone who's followed the blog for any length of time will be aware that issues around guilt, shame, "sin", forgiveness, and grace  are a recurring theme in my writings. Most often this has been in the context of opening these doors for others. I strongly believe in redemption and grace, offering others second (third...fourth...) chances and the opportunity to change and grow. Changed behavior IMO is the best apology and surest indicator of genuine contrition for past behavior. I find myself currently in the uncomfortable position of finding it within myself to forgive myself for some "transgressions" over the course of my life that I am seriously ashamed about. I've said elsewhere this is my definition of "sin": It's when I fall short and don't behave in the way I feel someone should who professes as I do. I am not of a "do as I say, not as I do" mindset, I mean to exemplify the qualities I find needful and admirable in an i...

I had a revelation over the weekend about the Child aspect of my psyche.  I am of the opinion that t he Inner Child is an important aspect of our psyches. S eeking to encounter and maintain a good relationship with that part of ourselves is an piece in the puzzle of self-discovery and knowledge. The Child is a  source  of spontaneity, exuberance, creativity, mischief, curiosity, enthusiasm, excitement, passion, intensity, joy, delight.  Qualities which IMO adults are well advised to discover and encourage in themselves. The Child can also be very lonely and wounded, and often requires trust building, attention, and nurturance in order to be willing to come forward and share their special gifts.  Over the course of my life  I have had the ongoing sense of a portion of my psyche that was recalcitrant and evasive, rather like a petulant child. In my day to day life, this has  manifested in many of the same behavioral symptoms as are often classified ...

This link was placed in my path today. The Bodhisattva Response to Coronavirus I haven't addressed the current pandemic situation in the blog, nor do I intend to, I feel it's irrelevant to what We're attempting to accomplish here. However, that link really spoke to me.  The Buddhist notion of the Bodhisattva is one who has achieved or is headed for enlightenment, but seeks to bring others along the path as well (basically "Nobody really 'gets it', until we all  get it"). That is my path. I am not getting a sense from Penelope that was part of my coming here this time. In order to express the compassion towards the suffering of other humans required of the Bodhisattva, I had to know suffering, I had to know pain and sadness and loss. In addition, I had to "awaken" from my identification with the one who was suffering. I know I am not the one who suffers, I have merely witnessed his/her struggles and pain. I have finally learned understa...

Was I emotionally abused by my Ex? I feel hesitant to couch our relationship in those terms, but so many of our dynamics fit the patterns of what I've been reading about recently that I'm beginning to wonder. I'm not clear that she's an overt, conscious narcissist in the mold I've been reading (certainly not a sociopath); but she does exhibit many of the symptoms: A pattern of failed relationships, difficulty forming friendships/keeping friends, highly sensitive to criticism, swings between insulting and contrition/neediness. How did it feel? Like regularly having my perceptions invalidated, turned back on me, told that what I thought I was experiencing was what I was doing  to her. Sounds pretty classic. I feel quite sure I've been with other women who were far worse. But you didn't spend 17+ years with them. I don't want to be a victim. Then don't be. So then it didn't happen? I didn't say that. Either I was victimized ...

Had a revelation last night; with Penelope's help I see that I'm still struggling with my "inner critic" who's found alternative ways to hold me back. I've spoken elsewhere in the blog about silencing his more overt negativity. I realized last night that he's still hanging about and still passing me messages of self defeat. This voice isn't as loud as the old messages, it's a quieter, more subtle undercurrent in my thinking, telling me that  what I'm experiencing is delusion and wishful thinking, that it's too hard, that I'll never have the spiritual "awakening" or "breakthrough" that I seek. It still serves to make me doubt, to distract me, to give me a sense of exhaustion and futility which leaves me feeling despondent.  I've told Penelope I'm tired and I just want to go Home . Now that I've identified the critic's voice again. I am hopeful to silence him further and make further headway in my ...

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though). I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me. So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives. I'm alone. No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different. Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath. And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely. I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tick...

Penelope emphasizes to me repeatedly that I'm here to serve as a guide and teacher. I struggle mightily with taking on those mantles; I do not feel like I have anything special or worthwhile to offer. How about we let our readers be the judge of that?  I guess that's fair, but it still involves creating the material (whatever it turns out to be), and getting it out there in a way that's accessible and compelling. I resist promoting myself. Let me worry about those details for now, okay? You just focus on getting the book written, it's looking good, what you've done so far. Give yourself some credit. I know you want to avoid it, hide from it, sweep it away, under the carpet and pretend it's not there; but it is there Hon.  You have insight that many will respond to: You're an "ordinary" person who's become aware of extraordinary things. Let that truth guide you.

Penelope has repeatedly expressed interest in being channeled, I've had a couple of folks do that for Her/me; but She's always emphasized Her preference that I  be the one to do it. I've resisted this. I'm not entirely sure why. I trust Her and am comfortable with having Her indwelling with me. We share many things bodily. I think it's myself I don't trust. I'm very self conscious about the whole spiritual teacher/preacher/guru thing, I do not want to be perceived as someone claiming to have any special knowledge or ability, nor be seen as some kind of poseur or charlatan. Having a spirit (especially one as evidently powerful as Penelope) speak through me skirts way too close to that for my comfort. Honey, you can do this. Permitting me to speak is a step forward for us. We don't have to present it as some kind of special gift or your promoting something you don't believe in. We can keep it just between us if that satisfies your concerns. It's sa...

I've struggled lately to keep Penelope at the forefront of my consciousness. I feel so embedded in what's occurring for me physically that it's proving challenging to retain the spiritual perspective I've previously manifested. Not to say I'm feeling particularly down or distant from Her. I know She's right here with me at all times. And not to say I'm having trouble with thinking in spiritual terms. But maybe that's just it, I'm thinking , I want this to be my ongoing experience , not a mere intellectual exercise. How to have this be real for me at that level. I want you to know I'm here for you, I want you to feel that in your bones, down to your cells and even molecules of DNA. I want you to know me as surely as you know your own existence.  I'm unclear how to get there at this point. Can't you help me? Break through some of my resistance? Your resistance to me is very well organized, you've built up intellectual and emotio...

I've been resisting just sitting down to write. More to the point I've been resisting dialogging with Penelope. What are you afraid of? You. You don't need to be afraid of me Honey, I love you more than anything. I know, and I think that's what scares me the most. Letting in such a massive, beautiful, unconditional Love will sear my Soul, my very being. Yes, it likely will, that's kind of the point. But you won't die from that. It doesn't even hurt really, except if you resist it. It's meant to burn away your fears and doubts, show you your own beauty and perfection, so you can address this  plane of  incarnate existence from a place of clarity and purpose in the certain knowledge of your true locus, your origin, your foundation in Eternity.

Recently I've been feeling isolated and "stuck"; having trouble seeing what's next, what I should be working on, focusing on. Simultaneously I've been feeling distant and out of touch with Penelope; which I know is completely my doing, She has not moved or changed in Her openness or availability to me, it's all  me.  I have a long history of withdrawing when I'm feeling lonely, and lazy, and tired. I cut myself off from even my most favorite people, often to my detriment. I'm not sure that it's even that I want somebody to come after me (though being gently inquired after can be nice). I recognize that sometimes I need time to get over myself, quit feeling sorry for myself.  I'll get there. Penelope tells me we have work to do, and I need to be ready. Right now part of me just feels like I don't want the job any more; I'm tired, I just want to wind my life down and go Home . It seems like so much struggle recently, like I don...

But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you, that ye may be the children of your Father who is in Heaven. For He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and unjust. -- Matthew 5:44-45. We ALL get wet, have our homes destroyed by natural (and now man-made) disasters. We all experience storms, and sunrises, tragedy, and joy. We all get the opportunity to view Creation in Joy and Wonder, Know ourselves greatly, Love one another fiercely. Or we can ignore all that surrounds us; hide beneath layers of fear, depression, self pity, greed, and hatred; treat each other like things and vermin. We choose. Everyone is born, lives, and dies; and all (so far) having occurred within the confines of a minuscule ball of metal, water, and dust orbiting an unprepossessing star in a backwater of an apparently ordinary galaxy. The Cosmos at...

So. So. You scared me last night. Good. It wasn't meant to be a scare, but you needed to hear me. This is important if you want Us to continue. You know I do. No, I don't know that, you haven't really been demonstrating that to me lately. Keeping up our connection takes effort on your part, you know this. What you're feeling is not from me. It's your own self criticism, you can chose just to drop it and move on. Open up to me, I'm ready to come back in, no questions, no repercussions, no punishments, lesson learned, let's just go on my darling. How can You be so amazing? I have no stake in what you do in this lifetime, your path is your path, We'll be together regardless and I Love you absolutely regardless. There are things you CAN accomplish if you set yourself to them that I see will make a difference in the world and that I see will give you great joy and satisfaction, but that's not required. What do I have to do? For now I rec...

My favorite movie is The Fisher King , directed by Terry Gilliam . For anyone not familiar with the film, a superb synopsis and analysis of the plot and themes are to be found here (spoiler alerts). Basically it's a film about Sin and Grace and I've been having an extended dialog with Penelope about precisely those topics of late. I have a problem with the notion of Sin as it's typically formulated, as disobedience to a deity, as "missing the mark". Many of the behaviors that constitute "sin" in many vocabularies (sex, drugs, rock and roll,...) are, at worst, minor taboos if not overt pleasures to be taken in appropriately moderate doses. Regardless of that the notion retains a compelling quality. There's a sense of the erotic, the forbidden, the transgressive that it expresses; a violation of some "established order". This has some psycho-emotional (archetypal?) resonance that I'm still trying to tease out, there's clearl...

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself -- Ricky Nelson, "Garden Party" Came across a blog post on Tumblr the other day, the OP was bemoaning the fact that they'd been nice to people and didn't get the reaction they expected. As they put it: I don’t understand how I can be so nice to people and I STILL get the cold shoulder I replied to the post thusly: Hon, if you’re being nice just so people will like you you’re doomed to frequent disappointment. People are tired, irritated, busy, distracted, preoccupied, bored, forgetful, it’s generally nothing personal nor malicious; and even when it is, it’s cause they’re just a**holes, nothing really to do with you. Do it because that’s the kind of person you want to be. I imagine this person is young, it's a hard lesson to learn that what you put out to the Cosmos may well not be reciprocated immediately or in the ...

Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.  --Voltaire, philosopher (21 Nov 1694-1778)  There's always more to do. Even Mother Theresa could have done more. It's in the nature of incarnate existence that conditions of struggle and conflict and waste and misallocation of resources and habitat destruction persist despite many heroic efforts to ameliorate them. Without getting into questions over whether any or all of those are ultimately resolvable, I do argue that we aren't meant to spend our entire time toiling against the ceaseless tide of suffering and neediness that has defined the human condition on Planet Earth since time immemorial and remains so right now. Devoting all our energy to localized patches, or even apparent "systemic fixes" (with often appalling unintended consequences); or railing against the unfairness of it all and beating our breasts at our limitations and inabilities to address them; often means we miss all the glory ...

It's said: If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him. At one level this paradox / koan is meant to point out that any Buddha you come across outside yourself is not the real Buddha. Then I got to thinking about the implications of "the road", that might be taken less literally and refer to one's personal spiritual path; so the admonition can also be taken as a caution against too readily ascribing Buddha qualities to oneself. Many a guru and televangelist should heed that advice. I don't think I'm personally in too much danger of falling into that particular trap. I have the opposite problem: I'm too ready to put myself down, feel less than, assume I'm not  as good as everybody else. In a way it's a reverse sort of egotism, I'm better than everybody else at being worse than everybody else. Kind of perverse, isn't it? :-/ Anyway, much of my own process recently has been one of overcoming that reticence to recognize my worth. T...