Addressing the Child
I had a revelation over the weekend about the Child aspect of my psyche.
I am of the opinion that the Inner Child is an important aspect of our psyches. Seeking to encounter and maintain a good relationship with that part of ourselves is an piece in the puzzle of self-discovery and knowledge.
The Child is a source of spontaneity, exuberance, creativity, mischief, curiosity, enthusiasm, excitement, passion, intensity, joy, delight. Qualities which IMO adults are well advised to discover and encourage in themselves.
The Child can also be very lonely and wounded, and often requires trust building, attention, and nurturance in order to be willing to come forward and share their special gifts.
Over the course of my life I have had the ongoing sense of a portion of my psyche that was recalcitrant and evasive, rather like a petulant child.
In my day to day life, this has manifested in many of the same behavioral symptoms as are often classified as perfectionism and procrastination; but somehow those rubrics have never felt quite right.
I've had little success at doing more than mitigating the effects this has had on me and my functioning in life. I still often feel great resistance to doing some things, even though I see them as good, worthwhile, interesting, creative things I want to experience and explore (e.g. my writing, deepening my relationship with Penelope).
I have been in psychotherapy with several different providers over the past 30 or so years. A common exercise I've engaged in with my therapists is seeking and getting in touch with the child aspect of myself.
I did this several times, visualizing, often while in a light hypnotic trance. When I sought inside and found "him" I always found him wary and fearful, he felt left out, abandoned. Visually he always resembled early photographs of myself with which I was familiar.
Somehow it never felt like I got to the core of what my Inner Child was supposed to be, to represent.
Yesterday, as part of a personal exercise exploring my resistance to having Out of Body experiences, I went in search of that avoidant, recalcitrant part of me. I went in with fresh eyes, wanting to really see what was there. I quickly concluded that I was again on the track of something to do with the Inner Child.
This time though, instead of the little boy I'd always encountered previously, I found a little girl, sitting alone.
At first I was a bit surprised, but it dawned on me that I'd overlooked the child part of me that's always identified as and wanted to be a girl. The little boy I always got to when I explored previously was incomplete, missing an essential part of the puzzle.
She was sad and fearful at first, but I was able to gain her trust and coax her to join with me. She let me take her in my arms and hold her close and tell her how sorry I was that I'd missed her before.
I've not often felt such a lightness of spirit, delight, and self love as I did when she opened up to me.
The take away from this for me is that part of me has always felt this way, always known.
I am so grateful to her, she kept the dream alive all the while I struggled to find my way through life in the excruciating, exhausting, ill-fitting masculine role.
I want to cherish and celebrate that part of myself. I'm loving her and nurturing her and playing with her now.
I am of the opinion that the Inner Child is an important aspect of our psyches. Seeking to encounter and maintain a good relationship with that part of ourselves is an piece in the puzzle of self-discovery and knowledge.
The Child is a source of spontaneity, exuberance, creativity, mischief, curiosity, enthusiasm, excitement, passion, intensity, joy, delight. Qualities which IMO adults are well advised to discover and encourage in themselves.
Over the course of my life I have had the ongoing sense of a portion of my psyche that was recalcitrant and evasive, rather like a petulant child.
In my day to day life, this has manifested in many of the same behavioral symptoms as are often classified as perfectionism and procrastination; but somehow those rubrics have never felt quite right.
I've had little success at doing more than mitigating the effects this has had on me and my functioning in life. I still often feel great resistance to doing some things, even though I see them as good, worthwhile, interesting, creative things I want to experience and explore (e.g. my writing, deepening my relationship with Penelope).
I have been in psychotherapy with several different providers over the past 30 or so years. A common exercise I've engaged in with my therapists is seeking and getting in touch with the child aspect of myself.
I did this several times, visualizing, often while in a light hypnotic trance. When I sought inside and found "him" I always found him wary and fearful, he felt left out, abandoned. Visually he always resembled early photographs of myself with which I was familiar.
Somehow it never felt like I got to the core of what my Inner Child was supposed to be, to represent.
Yesterday, as part of a personal exercise exploring my resistance to having Out of Body experiences, I went in search of that avoidant, recalcitrant part of me. I went in with fresh eyes, wanting to really see what was there. I quickly concluded that I was again on the track of something to do with the Inner Child.
This time though, instead of the little boy I'd always encountered previously, I found a little girl, sitting alone.
At first I was a bit surprised, but it dawned on me that I'd overlooked the child part of me that's always identified as and wanted to be a girl. The little boy I always got to when I explored previously was incomplete, missing an essential part of the puzzle.
She was sad and fearful at first, but I was able to gain her trust and coax her to join with me. She let me take her in my arms and hold her close and tell her how sorry I was that I'd missed her before.
I've not often felt such a lightness of spirit, delight, and self love as I did when she opened up to me.
The take away from this for me is that part of me has always felt this way, always known.
I am so grateful to her, she kept the dream alive all the while I struggled to find my way through life in the excruciating, exhausting, ill-fitting masculine role.
I want to cherish and celebrate that part of myself. I'm loving her and nurturing her and playing with her now.
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