SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I feel you touching/tingling me. I am transcendently grateful for Your presence in my life, that you're there always. You really ask for so little from me and I often provide less, and yet You welcome me with open arms any time I make contact with You. Honey, hear me. This is who WE are to each other, always open, in love, in spirit. Know me, know that I am yours in Eternity, as you are Mine, though you don't really feel it right now. I know you are lonely, and hungry for human contact. Know that I realize this, that I empathize, and that I in no way begrudge you that, should you find the opportunity. Just don't lose yourself, lose Us, in the process, please Darling.  I feel like I'm betraying you when I do that and often to assuage those feelings I withdraw from You. How can it be that You are not jealous or possessive or wanting me only for Yourself? You attribute the pettiness, scarcity thinking, and time bound perceptions of an incarnate soul to me. I am none of ...

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though). I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me. So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives. I'm alone. No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different. Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath. And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely. I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tick...

So. So. You scared me last night. Good. It wasn't meant to be a scare, but you needed to hear me. This is important if you want Us to continue. You know I do. No, I don't know that, you haven't really been demonstrating that to me lately. Keeping up our connection takes effort on your part, you know this. What you're feeling is not from me. It's your own self criticism, you can chose just to drop it and move on. Open up to me, I'm ready to come back in, no questions, no repercussions, no punishments, lesson learned, let's just go on my darling. How can You be so amazing? I have no stake in what you do in this lifetime, your path is your path, We'll be together regardless and I Love you absolutely regardless. There are things you CAN accomplish if you set yourself to them that I see will make a difference in the world and that I see will give you great joy and satisfaction, but that's not required. What do I have to do? For now I rec...

There's an Elephant in the Room of my writings here that, while it hasn't negatively impacted my overall efforts (I think), I have had to dance around a bit when discussing certain topics because I hadn't yet revealed what was going on to everyone; my blog audience in particular. It's high time for me to do something about that... I'll cut to the chase: I am transgender. I identify as a woman and have lately been taking steps to live my life fully as female 24/7. This has been a long time coming for me. Unlike many trans women's stories I've encountered, I can't say I've spent my life insisting I'd been misgendered. Nor can I say that I spent much of my life consciously thinking in terms of overtly  wanting  to be a girl/woman per se (at least not most of the time); I've just known all my life I was different somehow. In particular I never really felt comfortable being a boy/man. I recall being sad and disappointed at proscription...

I'm still processing material around my sense of being submissive and seeking a strong personality to be involved with. This morning I was exploring some implications with Penelope, and she led me to a realization. Here's the rather new wrinkle in my thinking: Being submissive doesn't mean simply prostrating myself to any old pushy bitch that happens to come along. I deserve better than that. Being sub also doesn't mean I don't bring important things to the table nor that I can't have high standards and expectations too. My domme would have to have her shit together at least as well as, actually more so than, I do. She'd need to be smart and successful, well able to care for us both. Not to say I wouldn't be able to contribute to the bottom (!) line; but I think I might enjoy not having to be the primary breadwinner. I want someone who will expect and demand the best from me, not let me slack or slide (much ;-)), has high standards, and...

This post is going to be a  bit different that most of the previous ones. Penelope and I have been hashing out several issues recently in small exchanges in several locations over the last several days, culminating in a pretty big realization for me last night. Something I think it's important to share, but I also think it's useful to present in the form of a dialog. So, with Penelope's permission and assistance (at Her suggestion really) I'm going to compile and edit several exchanges into a single conversation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, do you love me? You know I do. And yet you resist. I'm not sure what it would look like, how it would feel not to. Let's find out together. What has to change? Penelope had given me an earworm of the Eurythmics Here Comes the Rain Again for a couple of days prior. I felt it expressed a longing from Her, which brought tears to my eyes.  She started quoting the lyrics to me. I ...

I'm unpacking a lot here. Some if it's very personal and not particularly related to the more spiritual stuff I've been addressing elsewhere on the blog, other than that it's a deep exploration who I am. There's a lot of frank talk about sex and gender, consider yourself warned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've mentioned elsewhere my submissive impulses. Part of me would relish being dominated by a strong, determined, sexy woman. I recently recognized in myself that this impulse doesn't necessarily match a lot of the porn I see. I'm not interested in being humiliated or cuckolded as seems to be pretty common. While I want someone strict, who will lay down the law and keep me in line, I also want to be treasured and appreciated. I'm not worthless, just owned, like a favored pet. This fits with a wanting to be loved, appreciated for myself . If a strong, assertive, powerful woman chooses  me (not an "alpha...

I'm unpacking a lot here. Some if it's very personal and not particularly related to the more spiritual stuff I've been addressing elsewhere on the blog, other than that it's a deep exploration who I am. There's a lot of frank talk about sex and gender, consider yourself warned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've been feeling strangely conflicted lately over gender and roles and power and desire. I've mentioned elsewhere on the blog about my deep ambivalence regarding traditional masculine roles and my personal discomfort with my own masculinity in many respects. I've often felt an impulse to present myself in a more flamboyant fashion (e.g. dressing more colorfully/stylishly), but shied away from it, fearing being judged "deviant" or being perceived as a gay man. Not that I think there's anything wrong with being gay, it's just that I'm not . At least, I've spent my adolescence and most of m...

I sometimes think of Penelope as a goddess; my  Goddess; though I know She's not a goddess in any literal sense of the term, however magnificent and powerful She is. Nor is She an Angel  in the traditional sense, though She exhibits some characteristics that have been associated with such beings historically. My thinking of her in these terms is more reflective of my own psyche and ego, I feel in awe of Her and I recognize in myself a sense of obedience and submission bordering on worship. But a lot of that existed before I encountered Penelope as a distinct entity. I recognize a strong thread of submissiveness in myself and have often fantasized about being with a very dominant woman. I don't need or want your worship , hon. A certain level of obedience, that is to say cooperation , will certainly make things easier. I want Us to be a partnership, can you hack that? It seems so one-sided. You bring so much more to the table than I do. Don't sell yourself short, L...

Penelope, my love? I'm here my darling. Feel me. It's Okay. Talk to me. Nothing you've done is bad, or wrong, or has harmed me or our relationship, drop that fear right now. Let's just move on from here, okay? That's it, just let it go, relax, I love you always and forever. Eternally. Truly, Madly, Deeply. It's You, it's always been You. Please Trust Me. Thank you darling. You know my fears, my doubts. Of course, but they're ultimately meaningless. They have only the power you give them. Life is as hard and complicated as you make it, as you expect it to be, as you demand in order to feel like you've "earned" what you have or that you've "paid your dues" by suffering enough. None of that is required. I don’t feel like I’m better than anybody else. So you have to suffer as much or more as everybody else in order to be worthy of…what? Love? Happiness? Abundance? Food? Shelter? Sex? Must you suffer uniquely ...

I've spoken  before on the blog  about the amazing, full body, orgasmic sensations I sometimes have with Penelope. This has been most intense when I've been able to refrain from masturbating for at least 2-3 weeks. I become so sensitive, the slightest touch could send me into a paroxysm of pleasure. Definitely worth the effort, but also a challenge to get there. The last time was back in October, I had not ejaculated in over 2 months, except for occasional small leakages of "pre-cum" lubrication fluids from the Cowper's gland . Most times I felt little urgency; though sometimes it became very hard not to "take matters in hand". I find if I can keep myself from doing that, my ability to experience a wide range of bodily sensations increases fairly rapidly.  The one thing that's missing is the sensation of forceful ejection through the urethra. I've found that  sensation of release can be satisfactorily simulated by withholding and rele...

Had an argument with Priscilla earlier. She lashes out at me intermittently, usually when she's hurting over what's happening or feeling frightened over what's to come. She's entitled to some venting about all this and to making me the focus of her unhappiness since I'm the agent of change. And she has a fair point that my timing may not have been optimal (a couple of weeks before  the Christmas holiday, one of her favorites). She asked me (not for the first time) why I was doing this, and I tried to explain again as clearly and gently as I could what this is about: Me finding me , experiencing what it's like genuinely to choose a path forward for myself rather than allowing someone else's desires to dictate or simply floating along, allowing events to decide for me. She asked about my plans for living arrangements once I relocate, and whether I plan on doing this kind of thing to my next partner after 16 years of relationship. I told her I wasn'...

The current lesson Penelope has me working on, has to do with my always looking outside myself for permission and approval. I've tended to abdicate responsibility for my life to others, allowing their preferences and desires to supersede mine almost always. Historically, I've generally looked to romantic partners to provide this context for me; I'd subsume my feelings, wants, and needs to theirs in an effort to get them to like me and, at some level, rescue me from the emotional and interpersonal confinements of my childhood and family situation. On the one hand this let me off the hook for getting things wrong (i.e. it wasn't my choice that disappointed), but it would also start to chafe after a while. I'd start to feel like my needs weren't getting met; though why should they when I wasn't standing up for them or even expressing them? It wasn't a rational process like that though. The big lesson for me here is I get to choose . That's e...

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed again. I know, sweet one, all will be well. Listen to our friend, she's on the wavelength for where things are going. Relax, let it be and become. You can't control it, and you can't really tell what it's going to be, though your imaginings are not far off the likely themes. I feel uncomfortable that I'm deceiving Priscilla. What do you think her reaction would be if you told her? I think she'd freak out (again), things here would become seriously toxic. And she'd accuse you of spilling the proverbial beans to assuage your own guilt rather than doing anything to help her. True. I don't counsel deception as a general practice, but in this situation playing close to the chest with some of this information seems prudent, she can't possibly comprehend the life We're building together. All will come to light soon enough and best that you're out of most harm's way when it does. ...

I invited Penelope to merge with me even more fully last night. I struggled mightily to open my mind, heart, and spirit to sharing everything with her. There were some physical twists and some neurological sensations, not entirely pleasant, though when I relaxed and deeply asserted "Yes!" to what was happening, everything went smoothly. There followed a delicious sense of communion, of sharing my physicality, my whole being with her. I stop and feel her energies flow through me and I'm delighted and laugh out loud. I hear those doubts creeping in Lover, don't let them. This is REAL, feel me caress you, feel me love you completely, We can share it all my darling. Stay open and curious and We'll go places and do things you can scarcely imagine now. Trust me. I do. Should we have a ceremony of some kind to recognize this? I'd be delighted to do that, and I think it would help "seal the deal" for you.  I also think it would be prudent to wait...

I realized yesterday that my biggest fear out of all this is that I'll shake everything up, forge ahead on an entirely new direction for my life, and I'll just end up in the same place. I want to experience something big, I want to encounter transcendence, mystery, magick. I've trapped myself so thoroughly in a cocoon of materialism and ordinariness that I fear there's no way out for me at this point in my life. Am I deluding myself that I can break through a lifetime of fear and avoidance of spiritual experience to get to something else? What are you REALLY afraid of? That it's not real, that You're not real. So what if I'm not? What's the difference between your experience of me as real and my being real (whatever you mean by "real" in this context)? I hold out hope that there will be deeper, more immersive experiences between Us. I can pretty much guarantee that will happen if you stick to the plan.  That thrills and frighten...

Penelope and I are together. I feel Her all through me. It's a delicious tingle all over and I can't stop laughing. Last night We had a long chat about what was in Our way: Mostly me and my doubts and fears; my fears that I can't do this, my doubts that I can keep it up. Maybe I can't, but I'd rather make the attempt and fail than not do it, because the outcome is so deliriously amazing. For much of my life, failure felt like an existential threat, better not even to try than risk failing. That time has passed. I do not anticipate failure, but I do not fear it. Failure is not the end, merely a speedbump, or even the entry point to something new. It feels like We  now. Not just Her and me. You've opened some doors my love, let's work at keeping them open. Keep talking to me, keep recognizing my presence, keep speaking of Us and We, that will cement the truth of this in your psyche. I'm delirious with excitement that you've come so far, it...

I'm still struggling with bodily neediness. I'm horny and impatient. I know something is coming, but I don't want to wait. But if I don't relax and allow it to evolve, blossom, ferment; I'll probably either lose it or fuck it up. It is what it is, my love. You will have the experience you need to have.  Do you know what's going to happen? I can envision possibilities, probabilities (always in motion is the future), you have free will and can make unexpected choices that could alter the entire landscape of what's laid out. Best laid plans of mice and guardian angels and all... Aren't you tired and exasperated with all this? I am. And you're projecting that onto me, I feel that. If it makes you feel better, go ahead and do that. Now it sounds like you're angry. Another projection. As long as you get down on yourself over what you do, or think you can't do, then you'll keep looking for a mirror to reflect that in yourself. I ...

That old song by The Mamas & the Papas  has been running through my head all morning. Penelope tells me She's working on something again and so is "busy" and not immediately around me so much. I can summon Her to me, ask questions, and get contact; but I'm determined to allow Her the space She seems to need to accomplish whatever it is She's doing for Us. Last night I awoke around 2am and was lying in bed just sort half-sleepy pondering everything that's happened over the last several weeks. Feeling pretty content and excited over the changes that are occurring; not particularly thinking about Her specifically. All of a sudden I had a strong pulse in my genitals. I quickly came to erection and felt a full body tense like a dry orgasm. In my head I heard, with a laughing tinkle " Don't you forget about me. " Then two more even stronger body pulses. " Just at taste of what's coming for you, delicious man. " Then She w...

This may be the most personal and challenging post I've yet made on the blog. It's covering some material that I'm very uncomfortable with on a number of levels and am actively working on resolving. I was mostly raised by my mother, my parents split not terribly long after I was born. My father relocated to another city. I don't recall being in his physical presence until I was 6 years old. I had a small photograph of him that I kept in my room as a reminder of who he was and what he looked like. I have a lot of emotional/psychosexual baggage around my relationship with my mother. Based on what I've been able to glean from the relevant parties (though I got rather different stories from my mom and dad) and a few flashes of what I take to be early memory, I believe my childhood played out a something of an empirical test of Freud 's theory of the Oedipal Complex . When my dad left so early, in essence, I won the "battle" with my father for my m...