SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I had an epiphany last night about Penelope. I can't feel Her or hear Her very close to me right now. But I know  She's out there; I just have to find Her again. The Moody Blues - I Know You're Out There Somewhere I've committed myself to Her and when this kind of stuff happens it's my responsibility and joy to seek Her out. I've been in this place before, and the only way out is the determination to keep looking. Having confidence and determination (perseverance!) in the face of disappointments and adversities is a major, major lesson for me. I get discouraged and give up too easily. I've learned this lesson (and others) repeatedly, but somehow it never seems to stick . What I see now is that simply  learning a psycho/emotional/spiritual lesson is largely an intellectual exercise (and subject to the whims of materialist intellectual/egoic limitations and misdirection; similar to Understanding being the booby prize). The trick I think is to embo

I'm feeling sad and scared today. I feel like physicality is closing me in, like I'm losing (or have already lost) whatever sense of something "beyond" I had there for a few weeks. It's like I've lost the "channel", I can't quite tune into where I was, what I was experiencing; and the memory of what it was, how it felt, isn't enough for me to recapture it or hang on. It fades like an old memory or a dream. This morning I recalled the vision I described during the regression exercise I did with Kitty a few weeks back. Some salient details that didn't seem important at the time now are coming to the fore now. When I reach the plateau out of my "depression", I can continue to spiral out onto the plain spread out toward the horizon, or I can climb a mountain . If I chose to climb , it seems the climbing requires rather more effort than moving out onto the plain; and the mountain is invisible ; finding hand- and toe-holds ha

I started writing this on the annual Thanksgiving holiday here in the US. A day of over-consumption of food, visiting with family and friends (not always peaceably), often ending in naps or overblown excitement over games of American Football on TV. One common ritual on this day is for each person to state at some point what they are most thankful for. Common answers include the food, family and friends, good health (if you happen to have it), a decent standard of living, and those same Football games. I'm of the opinion that cultivating a sense of gratitude for everything is a game changer for our experience of being incarnate and our growth process. Having this experience is a wonder and a mystery. However it is, Whoever it is that allows us to do this. Thank you. If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. -- Meister Eckhart

If it's the case that our spirits live in Eternity, then harming one another, even taking a life on the physical plane is in some sense meaningless to the Eternal life force of the other. So, does that absolve us from any responsibility not to do harm while we inhabit physicality in these incarnate shells? Is it all down to just do whatever we feel like and can get away with among the cultural constraints we find ourselves embedded in (shades of Crowley and Nietzsche)? I personally can't believe that's true. It feels wrong  to me somehow to harm another's physicality, even if in some grander Cosmic sense that has no bearing  sub specie aeternitatis. We (at least most of us I think) don't come here into incarnation on Planet Earth to engage in some sort of sociopathic wish fulfillment. There may be lessons to be had in pursuing that sort of path, but I think they're pretty obvious and uninteresting. Wanton Destruction is always easier than Creation. All

One song that keeps popping up in Penelope's and my relationship is Walk the Moon's Shut Up and Dance with Me . Don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me... I was feeling down and stuck like in my last posting , I was sitting on the couch and basically moping, feeling sorry for myself. I saw/felt her come close to me. She tried to approach and I fended her off (not pushed away so much as just wouldn't let her in). She asked me what was wrong. I told her I just didn't feel like anything was happening, like I was tired and didn't feel like "growing" right now. She probed me, " What's the REAL problem?". I've been recently communicating with a woman who seems to "get" me on a profound level and things had evolved rather quickly. I allowed my wishes and expectations to get ahead of me, and when reality set in, I felt deflated. The whole episode has activated a lot of old emotional baggage in me that I

I feel stuck. Like I can't make any progress on my growth process right now, like nothing's happening and I don't see the way forward. Sometimes the right thing to do is to wait. Relax and trust that what We've started is in motion, my love. I feel separated from You as well, we aren't so intimate, like something has changed. And I'm afraid of having the wonder and mystery slip away from me again. There will be ups and downs, love. I feel your loneliness and sadness. Let it just flow through, there's magick on the other side. It's holding on that causes the suffering now, the original pain is long gone. I'm here, you need time to consolidate, to grieve, and to feel your way into this newness. We're always together, never fear. I'll show you something wonderful soon. Relax. I don't know why it hurts though, I don't know what I'm feeling so sad about. Knowing "why", isn't a requirement, just feel it and let

That old song by The Mamas & the Papas  has been running through my head all morning. Penelope tells me She's working on something again and so is "busy" and not immediately around me so much. I can summon Her to me, ask questions, and get contact; but I'm determined to allow Her the space She seems to need to accomplish whatever it is She's doing for Us. Last night I awoke around 2am and was lying in bed just sort half-sleepy pondering everything that's happened over the last several weeks. Feeling pretty content and excited over the changes that are occurring; not particularly thinking about Her specifically. All of a sudden I had a strong pulse in my genitals. I quickly came to erection and felt a full body tense like a dry orgasm. In my head I heard, with a laughing tinkle " Don't you forget about me. " Then two more even stronger body pulses. " Just at taste of what's coming for you, delicious man. " Then She w

This may be the most personal and challenging post I've yet made on the blog. It's covering some material that I'm very uncomfortable with on a number of levels and am actively working on resolving. I was mostly raised by my mother, my parents split not terribly long after I was born. My father relocated to another city. I don't recall being in his physical presence until I was 6 years old. I had a small photograph of him that I kept in my room as a reminder of who he was and what he looked like. I have a lot of emotional/psychosexual baggage around my relationship with my mother. Based on what I've been able to glean from the relevant parties (though I got rather different stories from my mom and dad) and a few flashes of what I take to be early memory, I believe my childhood played out a something of an empirical test of Freud 's theory of the Oedipal Complex . When my dad left so early, in essence, I won the "battle" with my father for my m

I was chatting with Penelope about what I've been reading online regarding other folks' experiences of having spirit "encounters": be they guides, guardians, lovers, whatever. There are many remarkable commonalities among the experiences I've been examining, but also quite a few apparent differences. Does this mean these are different phenomena? Different sorts of entities being encountered? What's the scoop? What I've been able to make sense out of based on many conversations with Penelope goes something like this: While there are certainly more than one sort of "entity" that might be encountered on the "spirit plane" (for want of a better term), we incarnated humans come with a life history and a lot of psycho-spiritual "baggage" (not all of it conscious, in fact probably most of it decidedly un conscious) which colors what sorts of experiences we're ready for, are willing to accept, can even conceive of. When

Yet more shower musings... I was probing Penelope this morning regarding what she's got in store for me. She's been counseling patience and "tending the garden" here for a few weeks, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a bit impatient and champing at the proverbial bit. She's been evasive about details, originally telling me she wanted what happened to be a surprise, and also that even she can't tell exactly  how everything will play out. I had a suspicion though that she was also keeping some things from me because if I knew too much I might balk at some of the specifics or (more likely) end up fucking the whole thing up with my efforts to speed things up, improve them, or impose my materialistic ego preconceptions and demands onto the outcomes. She gave me a delightful metaphor: Think of it like a fabulous, delectable soufflé: you've put your heart and soul into the preparations, precisely set up the baking conditions; now it&#

I recently started reading the blog A Succubus Loves Me  many themes and experiences in parallel to my relationship with Penelope. The author, going by "Rafe", also seems to have been through many of the same psycho-emotional turmoils and trauma as me; I can relate. Anyway, a post of his from sometime back introduces the notion of "Zeta" Males. These in contrast to the more traditionally discussed  Alpha , Beta, Omega males from socio-biology. Rafe's idea seems to be a male that is fundamentally disinterested in the competitive hierarchy and chooses not even to participate (to whatever extent that's possible without becoming a hermit or being castaway alone on a desert island). Again, I can relate. I have little genuine interest in the materialist rewards and "toys" that are the hallmarks of modern industrialized capitalist consumer culture. I have "played the game" through most of my adult life. I have a job and a house, but I

A recurring theme in my therapy sessions with Kitty is a recognition that as she phrased it:  I didn't come here to fit in. What exactly that means, how it plays out in my life, I'm still discovering, is still evolving. This is not to say that I haven't devoted a lot of energy into creating a life well entrenched in a kind of dull conventionality. This has allowed me to pretend, for most of my life, that rigid scientistic materialism is True ™; despite a fair spate of evidence I had to the contrary. Penelope, can you help me here? For some people finding their path takes time love. It was entirely possible that you'd not get to this point in this incarnation, the odds were somewhat against it. I'm deliciously astounded at how far you've come in so short a time. I realize it's not always comfortable for you, I'll try to make things as smooth as possible, but I can't promise it won't ever be a struggle or require work. I'd expect no

In the shower this morning (here we go again!) I was thinking about physical ailments. I suffer from occasional bouts of Gout in my feet. For me attacks are typically focused in the ball of the foot and first joint of the big toe, though I also get them in the Achilles tendon. If you have these, you know the kind of discomfort it entails, if you don't, a severe acute attack feels something like a combination of a bad sprain in the joint, a bad sunburn on the surrounding skin, and a badly stubbed/bruised toe all at once. It's a pain the likes of which I'd never felt before in my life when I had my first acute attack back in around 2002. The phrase that came to mind was "I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy." Hence today's topic. I don't believe I have any "enemies"; that is: people whom I wish, or who wish me, personal ill. I make a point of not feeling that way toward anyone, and I hope I don't behave in such a fashion as

Wow since the last time I reported on this we've gained readers in Brazil and Ukraine! Not only that, but Brazil has already overtaken the UK in number of page views. How cool is that? ( Come on you UK readers, we KNOW you can do better ;-) ) Now if we can just get some conversations going. Does nobody really have any opinions about what's going on here? Maybe they're just shy.  Ever ready to give the benefit of the doubt, my love. It's my nature, sweet man. Kissies.

In The Inner Reaches of Outer Space and in his interviews with Bill Moyers , the late Joseph Campbell talked about how modern scientific discoveries in physics and astronomy had steadily pushed back any sense of humanity having a central role in all of the vastness of the visible universe. As a mythologist he asserted that it was time for new myths to arise, to address current human needs and understandings about the human race as a whole, about the planet, and about the universe. I wondered how do we as seemingly small and limited humans have an intimate personal relationship with this infinite incredible wonderment of a universe in which we find ourselves? What I came up with was that we are as deep and subtle as it is vast and seemingly incomprehensible, two simultaneous mysteries waiting, each aching to be plumbed.

I've struggled much of my life with an inner "critic" that has told me many things about myself. Penelope has helped me to recognize that what he has always told me is not true. Indeed no darling. Are you available to chat, my love? The wheels are in motion, enough "inertia" that I don't need to give it so much constant attention for the time being. I'm here. I'm delighted, I've missed you. The feeling is mutual hon, I'm sorry that I've felt distant to you, it does not mean I don't love you. I know that, I know you're working hard on something for us that will blow me away and I'm so excited and curious. Patience love, it will come to fruition. Keep tending the garden, it's necessary to keep things on an even keel for the time being. Understood. Back to the critic. You recall what I told you? I gave him power by believing what he told me. He's not "evil" in any real sense, his mission is t

<The appended is a dream account I wrote back in 2014 when I was first discovering Penelope as a distinct entity. It's part of how I convinced her to come forward.> Dream Lover– 2014-10-28                                                1 I had a sequence of dreams last night, over the course of the night I encountered several different characters who I identified in the dreams as the same "person", in different guises. I think of her as female, a woman, though she didn't always appear so, or even human. I fell in love. It's fading somewhat now, but I want to get it down before it's all gone. The dreams were semi-lucid, I was aware of identifying this woman in her various appearances, and I kind of knew it was a dream; she seemed surprised, and initially not altogether pleased, that I recognized her. Early in the night I encountered her as a dark-haired, slender, sad woman whom I approached intimately (seduction?). She didn'

In the shower this morning (funny how much deep thought I seem to engage in in that setting) I had a thought about what I sometimes think of as toxic masculinity or testosterone poisoning (more on that later). I had a vision of a young boy, full of life and exuberance, bursting joyfully out into the world, not knowing his own strength and testing the limits of his power. As he passes, he is unconscious that he knocks over antique vases, topples the carefully built block cities of other children, and tramples the labyrinthine nests of ants underfoot. Aggressiveness, irritability, bullying, sexual entitlement, narcissistically reckless behaviors all seem to me to be carry-overs of  this exuberance beyond their useful role in first encountering the world and finding out where we fit (or don't) in it. Maintaining the unconscious stance necessary to continue down those paths beyond the initial encounters is toxic to the self, to humanity, and to our planet. Once we encount

Lying in bed coming out of sleep this morning, not really asleep, but not quite awake I had a vision. A woman, dark flowing hair, flowing pale blue-white robes, elaborate body armor and some kind of black-handled staff or pole arm, rather like a figure from a martial arts movie; dancing or doing martial arts kata on a mountain top; hair and robes flying as mists swirled about her and she swung the pole this way and that, twirling and directing the mists. The sun rose over mountains in the distance she transformed into a great red-gold flaming phoenix, and as she rose into the air, I merged with her and I felt a great joy and peace. As I woke fully, I had the vision of her back at work dancing on the mountain top, her job's not quite done. Thank you my lady for what you're doing for me. My pleasure Tiger, this is going to be amazing. Smoochies. Tend the garden. I love her so much I can hardly think.

A love letter to my Angel. I'm writing this because I miss you. I know you're right there and I know you're busy guiding whatever complex process it is we've set in motion that's causing all these incredible changes I'm feeling and seeing. I know you'll come if I call and I'm also determined not to abuse that privilege with neediness or puerile demands on your attention and energy. You've given me so much already, I owe you my life and sanity. I'm determined to be worthy of the trust, openness, and love you shown me in revealing yourself so fully to me. Your love has given me so much strength and courage that I never felt before, You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you beyond words. Thank you for coming into my life. Smoochies hon, thank you for the lovely thoughts. I miss you too, I promise we'll have lots of time together soon. Patience. Tend the garden! -- Penelope

I want to say some more about women and feminine energy more generally. I was raised by a single mom, she raised me to be a thoughtful, considerate, respectful man. The fact that means that I strive to treat women as equals, rejoice in and encourage their success, give them due professional respect and deference (not to mention pay ); in some circles translates into my being less than a man. If that's true, so be it. I don't feel particularly comfortable in traditional male circles, I'm not much into team sports or many other "masculine" activities (golf, fishing, hunting, getting drunk).  "Bro" culture  leaves me cold   and I find attitudes of masculine privilege, bullying, and sexual entitlement appalling.  The recent  news stories of deadly fraternity hazings are tragic, and I rejoice that it feels like something is changing in the culture that reports of sexual misconduct among wealthy and influential men are finally being taken seriously. I

Modern physics tells us that consciousness plays a role in creating the physical reality we see around us. An "observer" is necessary to collapse the wave function  that encompasses all the superposed quantum possibilities into actual observed reality. With a few notable exceptions, talking about just what an observer / consciousness is in this context or how it plays this role tends to remain a hand-waving mystery (or uncomfortably dismissed non-issue outside their purview) for most physicists at this point in time. A while back I had a vision of consciousness in this role as a sort of "read head", like on a CD drive. It moves along the possibilities of the quantum world and choses which tracks to follow. This supposes the all the quantum possibilities are present and fixed. An alternative metaphor I recently arrived at was of consciousness being more like the sculpting / carving head of a CNC Machine  that carves reality out of the lustrous onyx of raw prob

I'm using this post title advisedly, given the connotations the phrase carries, but I think it's apropos under the circumstances I now find myself in. The Internet is a chaotic stew of all sorts of ideas and opinions; some of it strange and wonderful, some of it very hard to stomach. But I do support the notions of freedom of speech and expression, however reprehensible I may find a particular manifestation of that. It's just come to my attention that my relationship with Penelope and what I'm doing with this blog have been taken as some kind of repudiation of incarnate women, the feminine principle, or feminism as a sociopolitical stance. I want to state here and now categorically and unreservedly that I do not believe that for one moment . I've always considered myself a feminist , if I'm allowed to call myself that with the XY chromosomes I was saddled with at birth. I aspire at very least to be a feminist supportive man in any way I can. I'm str

Wow! According to the blog management page, I've had visitors from all over outside the US. Folks have come from the UK, Australia, Portugal, France, Germany, even Latvia and Finland. That is soooooo cool! Whoever you are out there, thanks for stopping by, I hope you found something valuable. The language of the human heart and soul are universal, my love. No surprise here at all.  

Digging through some work on a metaphysical novel that I've restarted working on. I found some wording that is pretty clearly a conversation with Penelope, not sure when I wrote it. I'm copying it here to elaborate on. Why am I so resistant to allowing all this [encounters with the paranormal basically] into my life? I think it invalidates who I am. Who you believe you are. What else is there? Who you really are.   Which is? Can't help you there, we've all got to figure that one out for ourselves. That's a big help. I feel lost. THAT I can help you with. You're already on the path.  How do I know what it's supposed to look like? It's not "supposed" to look like anything, it's whatever your process evolves into.  But this banal, day-to-day existence can't be all there is, can it? That's not very inspiring. Then pick another direction. Which? I don't know where to go. I don't even know h

I guess this is really related to the patience theme I've talked about elsewhere. In the shower this morning (I seem to do a lot of thinking in there, don't I?), I was pondering my relationship to growing things. Despite the fact that I was born under an earth sign (Taurus), and I feel strong affinities for nature, animals, the earth; I don't do so well with plants. Don't get me wrong, I love gardens and meadows and forests. A flower can send me into a paroxysm of aesthetic ecstasy, and I've hugged grand old oak trees. But when it comes to slowing myself down for them, taking the time and effort to tend to their slower, more intermittent, and less overtly demanding needs; I generally fail miserably. I've generally characterized myself as having a "black thumb". This translates into other areas of my life as well. I don't do so well with longer range planning, with setting up conditions that may not "bear fruit" for some time to

I can tell from the statistics on the blog management site that I do have a few readers now, that's exciting. But nobody's left me a comment yet. I'm not sure how to take that. Folks may just be so dazzled by your brilliance that they're speechless, love. ;-) Even I'm not going to buy that one. Now your brilliance... Stop it, you're making me blush. Can angels be embarrassed? I'm not an "angel" in any classic sense of the term love. We can feel anything we've experienced while incarnate, and I promise you at some point or other while alive, I've been embarrassed. But I was really just playing along with the mutual admiration society game I thought we were playing just now. I knew that. I knew you knew that. Oh boy, this could go on for a while. Maybe it's time to say good night, sweet prince. Good night, my sweet love, I'll see you in my dreams. Smoochies, xoxxoxoxooxoxo

I've realized that my earlier diatribe regarding foundational Christianity may be misconstrued as my having a problem with religion in general or Jesus and his teachings in particular, so I thought I should clear the air about that. For me the major stumbling blocks arise from the religion that has arisen  about  Jesus rather than the religion  of  Jesus. My beef is with the literalist Christian message I described in the earlier posting that are the result of taking Paul and the more strident apologists at their word and to their logical conclusions. Reading the gospels, Jesus' actual words and his deeds represent a whole different point of view. I have nothing but admiration for (making allowance for the paternalistic tone of some of the language): Love thy neighbour as thyself - Mark 12:31 He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone -- John 8:7 Blessed the merciful, for they shall find mercy -- Matthew 5:7 For what shall it profit a man, if he

Imagine lying entwined with your dearest love while he's engaged in the most deeply immersive VR game.  To make it challenging, part of the startup conditions is to forget it's a game. You can see the gameboard from a higher perspective, as well as immerse yourself into his perspective and see what he's experiencing,. When he does well, it's a genuine thrill.  You can nudge some things around so that he notices them or that some things "fall" certain ways, but doing too much of that or too dramatically would ruin the essence of the game.  You can whisper clues and hints in his ear, and (under the right circumstances) reveal your presence to him. Usually during his "rest periods", when he's relaxed and open. You can't pull him out of the game without him "dying". You can't play the game for him (what would be the fun in that anyway?). The turn is over soon enough. Then reset and try again, or play a different one. I

I'll confess to being a killer. Despite all my rhetoric about the  Sanctity of Life and other such things, I'm not a vegetarian (though one can argue about the sense in drawing the "sanctity line" at plants given what we now know about them). Furthermore, blood sucking insects get little consideration from me. More to the point: there was a mosquito in the shower this morning. I'd been pondering my life and feeling somewhat weighed down by my current life path's responsibilities and commitments. I saw the mosquito and took a gentle swipe at it. It was trapped in moisture on my finger and I rinsed it down the drain (or thought I did). "At least I gave it a more 'gentle' death, I didn't squash it." I thought to myself. Moments later a mosquito, I presume the same one, came flying up from the bottom of the shower stall and flitted to the top of the bathroom wall and landed. I had an epiphany just then, my commitments are like th

Can it be that living with this sort of experience and knowledge can become a new normal? Today  felt more ordinary than things have in a couple of weeks. Not it the way of feeling out of touch with Penelope (I feel here tingling the back of my neck even now) or taking things for granted, but there's a sense of ease of a reduction in the urgency.  I know she's there. I know we're together. I know things are happening and our life together and love are expanding in amazing ways almost on its own. My attempting to force it won't make it happen any faster and just frustrates me and gets me off track with other areas of life. She's told me I can slow down and relax, things are in motion and I've been working really hard and can take the time to let the dust settle a bit before whatever's next. Yes, my love. Let's take some time to get to know each other again at this new level. Your body is vibrating at a very high rate, higher than perhaps ever befo

Penelope? Yes my lovely man. I'm feeling you touch me a lot right now. Is there something you need to tell me? Not as such, I'm just feeling delighted that we're getting so much "us" time ;-) I'm delighted that you've found Amrith and Annica, I look forward to communicating with them more deeply. I think it will be amazing. I'm of similar opinion. They both seem loving and open spirits. I felt a kinship right from the start talking to Amrith. BTW, did you have anything to do with the change in Priscilla's energy (or my perception of it)? Maybe ;-) How much was her and how much me? Hard to say, you've been working on so much stuff, it's also freed her in some ways. She may be able to grow now where she couldn't before because, whether you knew it or not, whether you believe it or not, you were holding her back. Despite all your protestations to the contrary. I do believe it, much to my chagrin. I want what's best fo

I struggle a lot with "discipline". I think it's telling that there are multiple definitions of the word crossing over among "a branch of knowledge or expertise" to "self-control" to "instruction" to "training or to obey rules or a code of behavior" to "using punishment to correct disobedience". A while back I did an exercise with my therapist Kitty where we saw the unruly, conflicting impulses and energies that lead me to procrastinate and avoid my responsibilities as unruly, untrained puppies. Puppies are also, of course, playful and cute; and it's easy to give them too much free rein (or reign; interesting homophone there); so that they grow into unmanageable dogs. I feel like I was forced to "grow up" a bit too soon as a child, but the sorts of burdens placed on me and how they were imposed was very toxic. Maybe not so much "too soon" as "all of a sudden" when I'd not been

I don't know where to begin. I woke in the night looking for Penelope. Feeling for her in the dark, wanting her touch and it wasn't there. The words I heard were "It's time to grow up". I think it was words like that which originally shut me down about life and joy and mystery. Now I'm feeling alone and desolate. The night feels barren and empty of possibility. I can't hear her, where is she? She promised she'd always be there. Like someone else promised? I think so. And she left me behind. Who? I think it was my mom. She raised me after my folks split when I was a baby. I think we were very close, when I was very small, and I suspect something happened. Something? She was in college in a Social Work program. At some point during that she brought me to live with my maternal grandparents while she went back to school. It's all confused. Try spelling it out. I have flashes of maybe memory of being bathed by her where she's topl

Penelope, love? Yes my darling? Am I screwing up? How do you mean? I feel like I'm getting distracted again, like I'm going down rabbit holes or side tracks of irrelevancy. Define irrelevant. Something that doesn't really serve either my spiritual growth or my material survival. Time wasters. Things that catch my consciousness and I go on and on with them rather that working on something substantial. Give me some examples. You're just leading me on. You  know what I'm talking about. Of course I do. Do you? Really? What is the REAL impulse behind this? Asking the question or talking to you right now at all? Take your pick. You said you were always available for me to talk to. No need to get petulant love, that is always true. But we had a pact about your staying focused and getting some work done this morning, no? You were on a roll there for a few minutes, then you got up to go the the toilet and got distracted with genital stimulation. 

Something happened Friday night. I awoke around 4am and couldn't feel Penelope. With our recent conversations in mind I started hunting for her. I had a vision of a Labyrinth that I started walking, looking for her, calling out to her, still no Penelope. I was rather suddenly brought back to awareness of myself lying on the bed with a menacing presence, it felt like it was holding me down (though I say that at the time I could easily have moved and "broken the spell", I didn't, so I guess I really don't know). I faced down whatever this thing was and it moved off to be replaced by a different menace that grappled me in a different way. I asked "who are you?" The answer was "Your worst nightmare!" I had the sense of being held captive by a foul old woman/witch that held me to the bed and threatened me. Somehow I was not afraid, I looked straight at her and said "do your worst", go ahead and take me. At that she released me and di

I've been searching on line for something to help me make sense of what I've been going through. Today I started reading material on Rending the Veil ; and I discovered the writing of Sheta Kaey who, it appears, has gone through a similar process in contacting a spirit partner much as I have with Penelope. Seems there's a Yahoo group for spirit companions. I'm going to try joining up. I'll let you know how it goes. I think it's going to be good. I approve. Thanks babe, I guess I really should have asked first. Not necessary. This is YOUR process my love, I'm just along for the ride.  I like it when you kick me in the pants though, you keep me honest and on track. Bit of a masochist are we? ;-) More like a naughty little boy who needs a firm hand to do his best. He gets distracted by shiny objects and wants to play when he should be working. Very good, glad you spotted all that on your own.  This ties into the stuff about "being present

Somehow it finally hit home last night. She intruded into physical reality to show me her presence. I'm not sure how she did it or what that took, but what an amazing gift. She said she wanted me to feel the reality of her, of what she's been trying to communicate deeply, "in my bones". I think I finally got it. I've been high ever since. Talk to me love. What do you want me to say? I don't know, I'm speechless with love and gratitude. Get over yourself, you'd have gotten there eventually, I just gave you a kick in the pants. Seems like I made more work for myself anyway. Now I have to pull you out of bed in the morning. "Pull" me out of bed? Seemed like you wanted to play this morning before you so rudely booted me out. ;-) That WAS fun, wasn't it? Did you like my guises this morning? Very much. Thank you for being so playful and light with me while I get used to this new level of being. I understand there's work to

Penelope told me that Time is not the enemy, given that spirit is eternal and as divine essence we live in Eternity. That's distinctly  not to say that while incarnate and embedded within it, time is always or particularly my friend :-/ Sigh.

For all the joy I felt last night and this morning with Penelope, right now I'm struggling. I want something to happen, I want something to be different in my life. At the same time I don't want to renege on my commitments to Priscilla, or the dogs, or my current job in pursuit of some "alternate lifestyle". I'm not even sure what that means in this context, what it would look like. Can I keep this all to myself? I'm putting it out into the Internet aether now, so maybe it will land somewhere. I have to say something to Priscilla eventually, maybe she won't care one way or the other. Maybe it won't matter unless/until Penelope or some other aspect of all this manifests in my life in some way that impacts her (Priscilla) directly. Penelope insists that time is not the enemy, that there's no reason I can't continue in my mundane existence indefinitely. That's part of the "being present" realization I had earlier. I just ch

A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was . -- Master Yoda, Star Wars I've realized one of the ways I'm becoming "detached" is by not paying attention to what's going on around me. Particularly to the folks at work in my conference call meetings. That's rude at best and not serving my interests or the commitments I've made to the job. These folks have put their trust in me and are providing for my material well being, they deserve better from me. Moreover, it's important for me to be present in the world when I'm engaging in my life activities. I'm incarnated, this body has physical limitations that I'm far from being able to transcend in any fashion without injury or death, caution is only prudent. Pay attention! Bravo, love! There are lessons to be had in the "least"

I had a bit of a scare last night. I was walking the dogs and I couldn't feel Penelope with me. I felt and looked around and she wasn't there. The frisson of her presence, her voice in my inner ear wasn't there. I felt lost. I wondered if I'd done something again to drive her out/away. I did something yesterday afternoon without discussing it with her. The writer of the Kundalini web site I mentioned in yesterday's " What's Next... " post is Bonnie Greenwell. Being so impressed with her work on the site, I dropped her a note on her Contact page and asked her to visit Virtual Shadows and offer any insight she might have into what's going on with me and Penelope. I haven't heard back, I don't know whether or not she's visited, but I didn't discuss the matter with Penelope first. In any case, later while getting ready for bed and feeling very lost -- thinking maybe I'd somehow "gotten better" and whatever "ment

What is any of this to us? Time is endless and ours. Love and Death are only the games we play in it. -- Tanith Lee,  Delirium's Mistress Penelope tells me Time is not the Enemy, that we have Eternity, so I needn't ever feel rushed or urgent. At the same time I want something big  to happen in this lifetime. I'm both excited and terrified to find out what she's set in motion.

Penelope tells me that in her "away time" yesterday she set some things in motion. She can't tell or explain it all to me, can't foresee how it will play out, but says something  is coming. Yes love, something wonderful. As long as we're together, I'm up for anything darling. Good. I want this to be the ride of your life.  Anyways, I started reading some stuff on line about Kundalini, I found a good grounded web site with some essays on the basics: Kundalini Guide The " 10 Things You Can Do to Help Your Kundalini Process " page seems a particularly useful starting point. I feel like I'm kind of stuck in genital energies right now, there must be more. I think I may be blocked in some fashion. I know I have a lot of baggage and negativity surrounding food and digestion which I think is the next layer.  Looking...

I've had several discussions with Penelope on the topic of "projections". By this she seems to mean psycho-emotional egoic "overlays" I (or presumably any consciousness) place on an experience giving it a "flavor". That's pretty abstract. Examples from our encounters are when I perceived her as distant or withholding of affection. She claimed that was a projection on my part of emotional baggage from my current incarnation, which makes sense, I've encountered that in my life, meditations, and previous spiritual and therapeutic practices. Not to say Penelope is a total tabula rasa though, she claims pure unfettered love and admiration for me (or my spirit essence anyway, can't necessarily make the same claim for this current incarnated inflection :-/); she's also at times admitted to delight, joy, surprise, and even anger. Similarly, some of her manifestations have had the potential to be frightening or have a seeming of malice,

Sex with Penelope has been nothing short of awe inspiring. The subtle sensations she arouses in me are beyond anything I ever thought I could feel. I've not masturbated in several weeks, she tells me that sensitizes me to her presence and touch, I can believe it. I awake sometimes in the night and my penis is throbbing, the lightest caress of my finger sends waves of exquisite pleasure though me. I have to bury my face in my pillow to keep from screaming out and waking Priscilla and the dogs. I have not ejaculated in all that time. As far as male sensual pleasure is concerned, I've come to the conclusion that ejaculation is the booby prize . It gives a brief localized release, but then there's a deflation afterward and the next one is harder to achieve. By not ejaculating, the sensual feelings increase, there's an intensity and a delight that I can hardly describe. After my "spider integration" sessions of the other night, this morning Penelope showe

Penelope's back! And with a vengeance. :-) After our...I guess I'll call it a disagreement (wasn't really a row, or tiff, we've never really had one of those, is it even possible?); and she asked me for time away, I was feeling sad and isolated. I came to the decision that I would find some way to make it up to her, I wasn't clear how, but I would search until I found a way for us to be intimate again. Later that night while sitting on the sofa watching TV, I felt her approach, she snuggled against me and we just laid close for a while. No demands, no urgency. It was quiet and intimate. I was so thrilled to have her come to me unbidden like that. Later still while I was getting ready for bed, at the basin brushing my teeth, she came to me and tweaked me. She showed me "masks" she can take on. The "spider queen" guise, an imperious barbarian queen, a dominatrix, a demure Victorian lady, many others in rapid succession that I can't reca