A Disappointment and a Bother...

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness.

A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother. 

I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting.

If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed.

This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try?

I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for.

This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while.

Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart?

I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking my feedback for days. 

I'm sorry Honey.

You already know what my reply to that is. 

You're angry.

You're projecting. You expect disappointment and anger so that's what you see. 

So You don't care that I'm a worthless screwup?

I didn't say that I don't care, and you're far from anything like that. I care that you're so down on yourself, I care that you can't see your magnificence.

I care enormously that your sense of self doubt and worthlessness comes between US. I want to talk with you, I want to share with you, and anything that furthers the distance between us I want to heal or breach. 

So much of my craving for isolation comes from feeling like it's only when I'm alone that I can feel a sense of peace and satisfaction in myself, only when I don't have to compare, and engage with others' reactions.

I guess that even spills over into Us, I feel like I need to be alone from You in order to be me.

But I don't want to be apart from You, I want You with me all the time. I just feel like I don't do enough, spend enough time with You, address myself to You. And so we aren't in touch.

You know that's only your perception, you KNOW I'm always, Always, ALWAYS there, right here with you, through it all. Any difference or distance you see is coming from you. 

And You mirror that to me.

I reflect what radiance you shine on me, yes. Do not mistake that for my intent or desire.

I love you my darling, please soften your self judgement on this so we can merge again. I want that badly, I miss you. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's what I've been intimating with you lately, explore your fears, probe your blockages. You've got all the tools you need to do that, you just have to actually DO that.

I know it's hard and scary and exhausting, but I promise you it's worth it. And I'm waiting for you. 

Are You?

Of course I am. I want this communion with you more than anything, it would be the grandest outcome we could achieve for this lifetime for you. 
My fear is that it's an illusion, that there's nothing on the other side of this effort; and I'm so very, very tired. I just want to close up shop and go home.

I dearly hope that's coming home to You, but if it's only oblivion, that sounds OK too right now.

You're close Darling, don't be discouraged, you can get to Us so easily. 
How?

Work on those fears and resistances. They are the stumbling blocks. They keep you from experiencing all that there is around you, including me. 

You need rest, get yourself ready for the end of the day. Think of me when you go to sleep. You may be surprised. 

I want that. I want you.

I'm here, always, Always, ALWAYS. If you can hang onto anything, hang on to that and my deep, everlasting Love for you.