Self Forgiveness

Anyone who's followed the blog for any length of time will be aware that issues around guilt, shame, "sin", forgiveness, and grace are a recurring theme in my writings.

 Most often this has been in the context of opening these doors for others.

 I strongly believe in redemption and grace, offering others second (third...fourth...) chances and the opportunity to change and grow. Changed behavior IMO is the best apology and surest indicator of genuine contrition for past behavior.

I find myself currently in the uncomfortable position of finding it within myself to forgive myself for some "transgressions" over the course of my life that I am seriously ashamed about.

I've said elsewhere this is my definition of "sin": It's when I fall short and don't behave in the way I feel someone should who professes as I do.

I am not of a "do as I say, not as I do" mindset, I mean to exemplify the qualities I find needful and admirable in an intelligent and spiritually awakened person.

 I have defined "forgiveness" in terms of not letting what happened, what the other did, dictate how we live our lives going forward.

So, what do I do when I'm the transgressor?

I'm a staunch believer in not leaving myself out of the equation. I am not special either in being better than anyone else, nor do I buy into (as I often used to) being special in my awfulness and brokenness. Therefore I am just as deserving and worthy of the forgiveness and grace I grant to others.

The events in question go beyond the mere(?) treating of people in my life poorly (which I have no dearth of examples). Something I strive to do better at.

 The core of the matter is that when I was young I mistreated some creatures who were at my mercy.

I recognized it was wrong after doing it and I stopped.

It's arguable that is all anyone is required to do: stop "sinning" when you realize you are, make what amends you can, don't do it again.

And I find myself still churning, I tell myself that even back then I should have known better.

And yet, I was a child. I am prepared to offer particularly expansive leeway for children who are still learning and finding their way through materiality.

How do I forgive my former self for doing things I now find repugnant?

Still searching...

Comments

  1. St.SturzioneJune 7, 2020 at 11:59 AM

    what if it becomes a sin the moment we realized it isn't right.
    what if we felt it was right at the time we did sin, what if we did sin because of some other reason, maybe there's no reason enough to sin.

    nice one, "changed behavior is the best apology"

    ReplyDelete

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