I need to do this...

No you don't, if this feels like a chore, don't do it.

It shouldn't feel like a chore.

It's not about how it should feel, it's about how it does feel. 

Life feels like a chore right now Honey. Most things hold little spark for me. You know this.

Yes. 

Any comment on that?

It's clearly how you feel. If you're asking for me to talk you out of it, I can't do that, everything you experience, everything you're butting up against, is real. No denying that. Your response is entirely rational. 

But is "rational" how I want to address my life?

Bingo! 

I remember when we first started talking, how excited I was, how amazing and special it felt. It still feels amazing and special, but the "spark" of newness is gone. I don't want to feel that way about You, I don't want to take this for granted, have it become ordinary; it's clearly not.

I'm thinking about how I'm still amazed at myself in the mirror. I love how I look now. I'm still falling in love with that girl I see there. Isn't there some way I can keep our connection new like that? Feel like we have a spark?

I have to be careful not to put words in Your mouth, it's easy for me to have You reflect my struggles and disappointment back to me.

Good catch! You know what you "hear" from me is often your listening to yourself and you're prone to letting the critic sneak through, subtly making it seem like your experience conforms to your worst fears. Don't let him win. 

I get so tired when there's no clear...

You were going to say "proof". 

Yes. 

I understand your desire for that. 

Can You help?

Yes.

Will You help?

Are you asking me to?

YES DAMMIT!!!

You know the rules for that. 

Please help me my Love. Help me know this isn't just all my confabulation, show me something I can't deny.

I'm not clear there is any such thing, at lest not without damaging your psyche. 

I'm not sure I care any more about that. I think at this point I'd rather spend what time I have left insane but certain than all this doubt and despair. 

Are you willing to risk your comfortable assurances? 

I don't know. Why can't this be easy?

You're asking to be immersed in something that doesn't care about your human existence, your immediate ease of navigating 3D "reality". It may manifest in ways I cannot entirely predict, are you sure you want that?

No, but I think I need it. And You're right, it has to come from left field in some way I can't easily dismiss as a misperception or hallucination or some other easy rationalization.

At which point you're left with either knowing it's real or concluding you're insane. Knowing you, I think you'll opt for the latter, which rather defeats the purpose of the exercise. 

That's fair. How do I gird myself against that?

That's on you, you have to genuinely allow for the possibility that what you perceive is not some figment of your imagination; crazy or otherwise. 

And you said "insane but certain", in your case they're either opposites or a matter of perspective. Your certainty may appear to be insanity to others. 

Will I know I'm insane? 

You already suspect that. 

Yes. Talking to You would be considered insane by many. 

I'm not asking you to throw the doors wide open.

The "Doors" as you put it, aren't really amenable to being left "slightly ajar", you're either exposed or not. 

So there's no way to manage the level of exposure.

Of course there is, but it requires acceptance and some effort. You've sailed pretty much unscathed now for decades thanks to your early closing off of access. Your fear is a powerful barrier. 

I didn't think fear would keep this stuff at bay, otherwise it wouldn't be frightening. 

Fear, per se, isn't the issue it's how you've used it to energize a wall of safety about yourself, keeping things mundane, keeping yourself, your psyche, enclosed in a shell of everyday rationality. Every time something has peeked through you've slammed the door shut yet again. 

What about that UAP in Chattanooga? 

What about it?

That didn't really scare me, it was more mystifying and wonderful. 

Also at arm's length.

Why can't all my encounters be like that?

Most have, and you're good at then filing them away into insignificance.

Also fair. 

You've written enough on this, go to bed now. 

Goodnight Sweetheart.

You can have all of me you want, just ask.

I'm afraid of that too.

I know. Ponder that.