Making Others Happy

I recall a Peanuts cartoon from childhood. In it Lucy asks Linus something to the effect of "Why are we here?", Linus replies "To make others happy." and Lucy's reply is something like "I'm not happy, so somebody is not doing their job!"

Lately I've been deeply examining my personal dynamic of bending over backwards in an attempt to make others in my life (mainly intimate partners) happy. Often with the tacit (or not so tacit) understanding that my doing so was necessary and appropriate.

I've come to the somewhat startling (to me at least) conclusion that this is a fool's errand.

I'm further reminded of a creepy little cartoon I saw recently where a ghoulish character is standing behind another drawing his mouth into a rictus, saying "I can always make you smile".

Macabre humor pointing to a deeper truth: In general I can't make anybody do anything. It's possible to physically force the body into actions (like the bully's "game" of "Why are you hitting yourself?"), or threaten someone into action; but only a pedant will consider that "making" someone do something.

More specifically, I have no control over anybody else's happiness. I could provide the most idyllic conditions imaginable and someone might still be unhappy. Happiness simply has to come from within them; just as my happiness comes from within me and is only incidentally related to what others are doing around me and the conditions I find myself within.

Conversely subjecting someone to a hellish environment, while clearly likely to induce suffering overall; is no guarantee of unhappiness. The human psyche and spirit are remarkably resilient and able to experience grace even when embedded in the seeming worst of circumstances.

None of this is to say I'm suggesting going out of the way to make others miserable. A readily accomplished win-win is always preferable (and there are consequences to actions, and Karma is a nasty bitch).

Kindness, compassion, and service toward our fellow incarnate travelers in materiality appears to me part of playing this game at a high level; but that in no way implies being a doormat or a chameleon in order to satisfy another's demands or neediness.




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