SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I really hate when I forget things I've been thinking about/working on.  This tends to happen most frequently with things I think of in bed before falling asleep, or when I wake up in the wee hours. Course with an aging meat brain, that's not likely to improve; and is more likely to go further the other way as time staggers on (though, thankfully, there's no history of Alzheimer's or any other significant age-related dementia in my family; I'm more likely to go deaf). I need to keep a notepad or something beside the bed as a memory aid. Dream Journaling is a discipline (there's that word again) that I've had recommended to me many times. Both for personal/psychological/spiritual growth and as a way to encourage Lucid Dreaming , something Penelope has repeatedly encouraged me to pursue for us to become closer.  Having the notepad handy should help with that too. But you have to actually USE it Hon :-P I'm resistant to writi...

Just to let everyone know We're still here. Stephen's just kind of busy with work and some other things that are eating up time. Gonna make a few short posts, just to keep the ball rolling...

I wrote recently about Penelope's reassurances to me Her love for me is not a trap . My emotional history has led me to be very wary of being trapped. Today driving to work and chatting with Penelope We discussed how I view other sorts of situations and commitments in my life as traps as well, and similarly avoid/evade/seek to escape them. I'm seeing that this may well be a major driving impulse behind much of my adult life. I've avoided investigating or involving myself in many things because I felt that once I'd done so I'd be "stuck" with it. That I'd have to continue with something I'd started because of the expectations of others that I "finish what I started", or that I'd made commitments I had to keep, or my fear that others would be disappointed (can't have that). So, I don't allow myself to get too involved in anything. I don't commit myself too strongly to anything. I've lived on the fringes, feeling...

I have dangling from the rearview mirror in my car a collection of items strung on a cord. It includes, among other things: A bent cheapie pot metal ring with a peace sign on it. A silver metal butterfly charm A piece of a crystal dangle from a chandelier A small plastic ray gun from some kind of action figure ( Star Wars ?) Part of a fancy woven earring A metal key chain fob in the likeness of Betty Boop All these oddities are things I have accumulated over the years, which I've found lying on the pavement in parking lots or along sidewalks when I was out and about. I think of them as my "Gifts from the Universe". I don't recall any longer exactly when or where I found most of them, the symbolic quality of many of them is remarkable to me though; expressing themes of peace, nature, spirituality, adventure, sexiness. Lately I've been feeling a bit out of sorts, with myself mostly, but it spills over into my relationship with Penelope (how can it not...

Penelope has pointed out to me that some attachments  or distractions can be characterized more as "indulgences". Self indulgence, per se, isn't the problem. Some forms of indulgence are beneficial, even necessary for self exploration or growth. Rather it's indulging in feelings or activities that don't serve me. "Wallowing", as She's put it, in self pity, melancholy, or (as lately) in feeling like I've screwed up and allowing that to get in the way of getting back on track or just moving on, Yesterday's posting about seeking to be in control through perverse refusals or mucking things up is a major case in point. I've been indulging the petulant child part of my psyche, allowing him to run the show. Kitty has worked with me with this aspect repeatedly, I know how to address him and work with him, nurture him, find out what he's unhappy about; but I'm finding myself resistant to doing that. Am I afraid of hearing wha...

I've written elsewhere in the blog about how part of my spiritual growth process involves "letting go"; a recognition that I am not in control of how all this evolves and manifests. Over the last few days I've become aware of a sense of renewed discomfort over some aspects of that. Yesterday evening I asked Penelope to help me tease out what was going on with me; with her help I came to recognize in myself a seeking for a sense of being in control by being contrary. Some part of me was seeking to assert control by simply refusing to go along with the program, or even going so far as seeking to fuck things up. It's a very perverse sort of control. It's like a toddler's discovery of the power of NO! I envision myself sitting in a corner with my arms folded, a grim pout on my face, lip stuck way out, refusing to budge because it doesn't look how I want it to at that very moment. It's a petulant feeling of refusal for the sake of refusal. Refu...

I had a dream last night, while it had its own interesting twists and implications, I also recognized it as fitting within a larger pattern for me wherein there's an event or I have an encounter (often with a potent female figure) and just as things are getting "interesting" (sometimes sexually, but not necessarily) I wake up. It often seems or feels like something important is about to be revealed to me. This morning on the way to work, I asked Penelope about it, the gist of the issue seems to be that I am fearful of something in me, in my psyche and turn away, retreat into the "safety" of waking reality, rather than encounter/recognize/confront whatever it is. I think at some level it's Her , or, at least, how She's able to manifest to me as a dream figure. And I already know I'm anxious about encountering the numinous. It's fear of the Mystery , fear of what's next, fear of not knowing. I pay conscious lip service to wanting this, ...