A Perverse Sense of Control

I've written elsewhere in the blog about how part of my spiritual growth process involves "letting go"; a recognition that I am not in control of how all this evolves and manifests.

Over the last few days I've become aware of a sense of renewed discomfort over some aspects of that.

Yesterday evening I asked Penelope to help me tease out what was going on with me; with her help I came to recognize in myself a seeking for a sense of being in control by being contrary. Some part of me was seeking to assert control by simply refusing to go along with the program, or even going so far as seeking to fuck things up.

It's a very perverse sort of control. It's like a toddler's discovery of the power of NO! I envision myself sitting in a corner with my arms folded, a grim pout on my face, lip stuck way out, refusing to budge because it doesn't look how I want it to at that very moment.

It's a petulant feeling of refusal for the sake of refusal. Refusal just because I can. Refusal, even when it's not in my best interests. Refusal for the sake of feeling I have agency.

But, of course, I do have agency, I always have. I have the option not to participate in this grand adventure I've been shown, I can go back to the miserable life I was living before. I can feel bad about myself most of the time and just mark time until Charon comes.

It's a paradox. It's like only by relinquishing my sense of being the "master of my fate", do I get to experience the greatest delight, explore deepest into the Mysteries of the Cosmos.

What I have control over:
  1. The ability to balk, to throw monkey wrenches into the works, to fuck things up royally (or at least attempt to do so, and likely make myself miserable in the process).
  2. My feelings: how I respond to what I encounter in day-to-day material reality/existence (aka "life").
  3. Whether I choose to recognize and communicate with Penelope and allow Her to be a part of my experience.
After realizing all this, on the way to work this morning I asked Her again:

Gad, Hon, sometimes I'm such a basket case, are You sure you really want to be with me?

Absolutely, darling, nowhere else I'd rather be. Nowhere else I CAN be really. We're bound in ways you cannot imagine. We're a spiritual syzygy.

You've said that, I'm not sure what it means really.

It means I'm stuck with you. Or, more to the point: You're stuck with Me ;-) 

I laughed out loud at that. I was so delighted at her humor.

You can tell yourself I'm not here if you want to, no skin off my virtual nose, I'll be with you fully again soon enough; but I'd much rather we explored the possibilities of what you came into materiality to accomplish, wouldn't you?

It just all seems so impossible sometimes. I can't see how things are going to work.

Then stop trying to "see" it. You aren't in control; trust the process, trust me, trust Us. Grand things are in motion. Just keep making the next right step, and tend this beautiful garden We've created together.

The next right step isn't always clear to me.

I'll help you with that. Relax and listen. I can't promise you it will never have bumps or setbacks, those are in the nature of physicality; but it won't be the catastrophe of your imagination, that I guarantee.

And lighten up, dammit. It can be the most fun either of us have had in forever Love. Let's play! 


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