SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

No you don't, if this feels like a chore, don't do it. It shouldn't feel like a chore. It's not about how it should feel, it's about how it does feel.  Life feels like a chore right now Honey. Most things hold little spark for me. You know this. Yes.  Any comment on that? It's clearly how you feel. If you're asking for me to talk you out of it, I can't do that, everything you experience, everything you're butting up against, is real. No denying that. Your response is entirely rational.  But is "rational" how I want to address my life? Bingo!  I remember when we first started talking, how excited I was, how amazing and special it felt. It still feels amazing and special, but the "spark" of newness is gone. I don't want to feel that way about You, I don't want to take this for granted, have it become ordinary; it's clearly not. I'm thinking about how I'm still amazed at myself in the mirror. I love how I look now...

I'm scared Hon. The onboarding procedures for this job are really giving me the frights. I'm so afraid of screwing up. I'm not sure if you popped it into my head or where it came from, but it occurs to me to talk to Rob. He must be intimately familiar with this sort of rigmarole.  Can't hurt. Is it worth it though? Should I just say no thanks and try for that New York job, or go back to Catalis?  I can't answer that for you. I can tell you there's light at the end of the tunnel. An oncoming train? You know that's not what I mean. You're catastrophizing.  Yes. Well, cut it out! ;-) xxxxx You bring a smile to my face. You have a dazzling smile.  Thank you Sweetheart. S'trewth. I hear where your thoughts are headed. Don't go there. You've learned better than that by now. You are amazing and worthwhile. You are not only worth what you earn.  But if I can't provide, how much value does the other stuff have if there's no roof over my head a...

I still want something I can hang on to. What would that look like? Maybe you regularly approaching me in my dreams, such that I recall them.  Suddenly I feel very groggy.  Go to bed then. To what end? You say you want to see me, be with me, yet you resist coming to be so it can happen. But it never does anyway. Never? Not enough to really matter. How much is enough? I don't know, more often than now . Go to sleep Honey. I'll be there if you search for me earnestly. 

Lately I've been feeling a desire for more "evidence" that my experiences with Penelope are real. She rolls Her metaphorical eyes at this, or, at least, expresses something that I interpret as something resembling exasperation.  How much is enough? I don't know, part of me wants an incontrovertible experience, like an apparition, a vision, something I can't deny. You've had experiences you can't deny and yet you want more? If it's real, shouldn't it be relatively common? I can rationalize all of this away, attribute it to wishful thinking and self delusion. You observed earlier how my replies to you come quickly and unbidden, not like your own thoughts. Clearly You're a separate conscious process that I'm experiencing, that doesn't mean You aren't some part of my own consciousness. Of course I am, we all are facets of the One. Not what I mean. I know, but what you mean is itself a delusion of your embeddedness in incarnate materiali...

I just had a really unpleasant interaction with a random guy on Facebook. I'm not sure how but his Messenger text came into my regular feed, unlike most others that come in as a "Message Request" (either "You may know" or "Spam"). He immediately launched into sex talk, saying what he wanted to do with me. When I asked him how he found me he said he'd been searching for, as he put it, "the most beautiful crossdresser".  I informed him that I'm not a crossdresser, that this is me 24/7 all the time.  He then mentioned more he wanted to do to me, then offered to pay me.  I told him, as I've told other guys, if he'll pay me, I'll be happy to provide some fap fodder. So far none have coughed up any dough, this guy was no different.  When I pressed him for how he'd pay me and then I refused to divulge contact info, he became abusive and insulting. Insisting I'm a man and asking why I dress in women's clothing.  It bec...

I don't want to lose this. You know who's in charge of that.  I need help. Can You help me?  What do you want me to do? Help me identify and overcome the resistance, I come up against this often when there are things that I feel would benefit me.  Don't you want to be benefitted?  It ends up feeling like an obligation and a chore. I don't want to feel that way about you.  You are not obligated, I'm here with and for your no matter what, I want you to have what you need to feel good about yourself and grow in whatever ways make sense for you. If that doesn't involve our having direct communication, so be it; this is your incarnation to do with as you will.  It seems like what I "will" and what I end up actually doing sometimes (often) doesn't align. It's like some other part of me is really in control, some recalcitrant and petty part that doesn't want to be told what to do, that doesn't want to do what's "good for me" just...

Hey Love. Yes my Dear? I feel like I've fallen off the wagon already, I didn't write yesterday. But you're back on now, that's what matters. This isn't about conforming to some rigid schedule, it's about finding a purpose in doing it, feeling like it does something for you, that you want  to do it.  I get that. I am still feeling the little chills/shocks at night, but I'm having trouble keeping my focus.  Ask me for help. I thought I did. Not really, you tried to push through it mostly on your own. Stop and relax, listen for my voice, open to me, invite me in.  I'll try that tonight. Thank you Darling. Always Sugar 😉 Shall We go to bed now? I thought you'd never ask... 💋💋💋