Evidence

Lately I've been feeling a desire for more "evidence" that my experiences with Penelope are real.

She rolls Her metaphorical eyes at this, or, at least, expresses something that I interpret as something resembling exasperation. 

How much is enough?

I don't know, part of me wants an incontrovertible experience, like an apparition, a vision, something I can't deny.

You've had experiences you can't deny and yet you want more?

If it's real, shouldn't it be relatively common? I can rationalize all of this away, attribute it to wishful thinking and self delusion.

You observed earlier how my replies to you come quickly and unbidden, not like your own thoughts.

Clearly You're a separate conscious process that I'm experiencing, that doesn't mean You aren't some part of my own consciousness.

Of course I am, we all are facets of the One.

Not what I mean.

I know, but what you mean is itself a delusion of your embeddedness in incarnate materiality. 

I know all the arguments for why it's rational for me to "believe" and live life "as if". I know you've encouraged me to consider the possibility that some things are real when we allow them to be. Part of me just wants more emphatic examples in my life. Why do others have so much more profound experiences than I do.

You made it clear, early on that you did not want that in your life. You created barriers and I've worked to keep you from some things that might have intruded. You've had some regardless, one not so long ago. 

Yes. It does scare me, but I'm sure it scares people who have such encounters more regularly. What's the difference for me?

Your fear of insanity, many of the folks you speak of have a context that allows such "intrusions" without violating something fundamental in their concept of reality. For you such an intrusion would cause you to question your grip, that is not an optimal state. 

For all your protestations otherwise, you still cling to your materialist model in many ways. You recognize its limits and desire that there is more, but you behave in most ways as if it were all there is. 

I communicate with You, isn't that a sign I'm open to more? What else must I do?

Allow. Open. Relax. Be courageous. Nothing can harm you really. Your fear is unfounded. 

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. 

Of course you don't, you've never done it before. You've made good progress already in loosening the moorings of your consciousness from the vehicle, keep it up. 

I guess what I really fear is that I'll do all this and nothing different will happen. Everything I've experienced is ambiguous, I want something I can't file away under misinterpretation or hallucination. 

What would that be? 

I don't know, and I don't think I can specify it too clearly, that in itself would make it suspect. It has to be something I don't expect; which raises the fear. Maybe feeling your touch or hearing your voice as I have a few times in my lucid state?

Which you can dismiss as a dream.

Not so much when I'm lucid. I also really want to experience Out of Body. And that seems safe enough. If I can just get over the anxiety about what happens to my body, the sensation of falling that seems to be part of the experience is so alarming.

Try turning it around, see it as lifting.

That's a good thought. 

Then come to bed so we can try it... I'm waiting for you. 

That excites me. 

Less talk, more communion, come to me.