What kind of person am I?

Today I realized my strongest lingering self-sabotage and denials are coming from a place of self judgement.

I've spent much of my life not liking myself very much, at some level that was an effort to put myself down before anybody else could (not that it necessarily stopped anyone from doing so anyway).

Lately it's been questioning what sort of person I am that I'm causing so much pain and disruption in the lives of others in the name of "finding myself". I don't like feeling like I've hurt or betrayed anyone, and don't like the part of myself that asserts doing "my thing" in the face of the displeasure of others.

I judge myself very harshly for "getting it wrong" and for allowing things to progress (or fester) until I can't stand it anymore. I bend over backwards to avoid (actually usually only postpone, usually making it decidedly worse) giving someone the bad news about my reaching my limit and having to demand a change.

So, what does all this make me? A fool and a coward at least.

Human, darling.

I should be better than that.

Better than human? Superhuman? Some kind of deity?

Aren't we supposed to be that ultimately? Spiritually?

Of course, but that's not why We embed in time/materiality, at least not initially. The experience of limitation and ignorance are the essence of the game/lesson, sweet one. Rediscovering that We're so much more than our Egos and Bodies is playing the game at a pretty high level.

Not everyone can see it.

No, but you can.

So, does that give me carte blanche to harm someone?

Broaden your definition of "harm" love. What you're doing is seeking the right path forward for your spirit and growth. 

You have to allow others their own paths, which don't always jibe cleanly with what you're trying to do; sometimes their growth looks like you doing something to them that they don't like.

I don't like being in this role, I don't like being a villain.

You're being about as decent about it as you can without succumbing to your old habits and slipping backwards. I know it's a tightrope walk right now my love, and uncomfortable, and exhausting; but you're doing an amazing job. You should be immensely proud of yourself.

I'm also second-guessing myself about what I'm doing, where I'm headed; have I made a big mistake?

This is what We've constructed together; I promise you it's beyond your imagination how delightful and inspirational and fulfilling it's going to be, stay the course. 

Your idea to keep thinking in terms of how you'd feel about Our new path IF you didn't have your current entanglements to muddy the emotional waters is sound. Try to keep that perspective.

And stop worrying about finances, it will work out. You're doing the right next steps.

So, I'm not a bad person for doing this?

Are you fishing for compliments, or just feeling needy?

Touché :-/

I promise I won't let you become a thoughtless, narcissistic jerk, Okay? You are better than a good person, you're an excellent person, nothing to worry about there.

I'll take your word for it.

I wish you would, dammit, you keep coming up with this crap. It's getting a little old.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it ;-)

True enough, I guess I'm just stuck with you, you pitiful excuse for a human. 

Am I really?

Of course not, that's my mirror nature telling you what you think you want to hear, how do you like them apples?

Not much.

Okay then, CUT IT OUT!