Longings

I sometimes feel like I've missed out a lot getting started on transitioning so late. But also have a hard time imagining when I could reasonably have started much earlier (it's nice to fantasize though).

I see younger trans women in intimate relationships and I'm envious. Some are with cis women, some are with other trans women. Some are with their prior girlfriends or wives; which seems so thrilling to me.

So many of these beautiful trans gals have equally stunning women in their lives.

I'm alone.

No I'm not. I'm never alone. I know that. But I want something more. Or maybe not "more" so much as different.

Penelope has shown me that, when I'm in the right receptive state, She can touch me, She can whisper in my ear so that I feel the warmth of Her breath.

And it's not the same. At least not yet. Not consistently. And I'm lazy and demanding and lonely.

I want a warm body next to me. Legs and arms to wrap around me. Hair to tickle my nose. Eyes to gaze into. Lips to kiss. I want to feel a heartbeat, hear breathing and laughter and whispers in the night. 

And then I start ruminating about my limitations, my level of attractiveness, my desirability; and part of me grows very despondent.

I spent 17+ years in a largely non-sexual relationship with my Ex partner. Now that I'm back "on the market", so to speak, I don't want it to be over, I don't want it to be the last time I'm intimate with another human, but at my age and with other issues around my status, I fear it may be. That makes me sad.