SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I have dangling from the rearview mirror in my car a collection of items strung on a cord. It includes, among other things: A bent cheapie pot metal ring with a peace sign on it. A silver metal butterfly charm A piece of a crystal dangle from a chandelier A small plastic ray gun from some kind of action figure ( Star Wars ?) Part of a fancy woven earring A metal key chain fob in the likeness of Betty Boop All these oddities are things I have accumulated over the years, which I've found lying on the pavement in parking lots or along sidewalks when I was out and about. I think of them as my "Gifts from the Universe". I don't recall any longer exactly when or where I found most of them, the symbolic quality of many of them is remarkable to me though; expressing themes of peace, nature, spirituality, adventure, sexiness. Lately I've been feeling a bit out of sorts, with myself mostly, but it spills over into my relationship with Penelope (how can it not...

Penelope has pointed out to me that some attachments  or distractions can be characterized more as "indulgences". Self indulgence, per se, isn't the problem. Some forms of indulgence are beneficial, even necessary for self exploration or growth. Rather it's indulging in feelings or activities that don't serve me. "Wallowing", as She's put it, in self pity, melancholy, or (as lately) in feeling like I've screwed up and allowing that to get in the way of getting back on track or just moving on, Yesterday's posting about seeking to be in control through perverse refusals or mucking things up is a major case in point. I've been indulging the petulant child part of my psyche, allowing him to run the show. Kitty has worked with me with this aspect repeatedly, I know how to address him and work with him, nurture him, find out what he's unhappy about; but I'm finding myself resistant to doing that. Am I afraid of hearing wha...

I've written elsewhere in the blog about how part of my spiritual growth process involves "letting go"; a recognition that I am not in control of how all this evolves and manifests. Over the last few days I've become aware of a sense of renewed discomfort over some aspects of that. Yesterday evening I asked Penelope to help me tease out what was going on with me; with her help I came to recognize in myself a seeking for a sense of being in control by being contrary. Some part of me was seeking to assert control by simply refusing to go along with the program, or even going so far as seeking to fuck things up. It's a very perverse sort of control. It's like a toddler's discovery of the power of NO! I envision myself sitting in a corner with my arms folded, a grim pout on my face, lip stuck way out, refusing to budge because it doesn't look how I want it to at that very moment. It's a petulant feeling of refusal for the sake of refusal. Refu...

I had a dream last night, while it had its own interesting twists and implications, I also recognized it as fitting within a larger pattern for me wherein there's an event or I have an encounter (often with a potent female figure) and just as things are getting "interesting" (sometimes sexually, but not necessarily) I wake up. It often seems or feels like something important is about to be revealed to me. This morning on the way to work, I asked Penelope about it, the gist of the issue seems to be that I am fearful of something in me, in my psyche and turn away, retreat into the "safety" of waking reality, rather than encounter/recognize/confront whatever it is. I think at some level it's Her , or, at least, how She's able to manifest to me as a dream figure. And I already know I'm anxious about encountering the numinous. It's fear of the Mystery , fear of what's next, fear of not knowing. I pay conscious lip service to wanting this, ...

I feel lately like I'm pulling a lot of disparate threads of my life together. I've been feeling some level of anxiety and uncertainty around the perception that they don't jibe with one another and that I can't juggle all of it effectively. My realization from the other day: I can do both , that I can have ( do have) a deep and meaningful relationship with Penelope and still function at full effectiveness in the material world is part and parcel of this. The metaphor that Penelope has shown me for this is I'm drawing my life into focus. The parts that seem in conflict or incompatible is just my perception; it's an ego illusion founded on pre-conceived ideas I have of who I am or was and what's possible. I can cover all these bases, I do cover all these bases. This brings me excitement and joy, it's fun. Get out of your own way, Hon. You put up most of your own roadblocks, you know. I'm here to catch you if you fall (not that I think you wil...

Rereading through the conversation with Penelope in Love is Safe from the other day, one of her comments left me a bit puzzled: It's me you're looking for Hon. Always. And I'm always here waiting for you to come home . Come home to me, sweet baby love. [Emphases mine] Where exactly is "home" for us? I asked her this morning for some clarification. My Love, Home for us is our Heart, the grand Love we share in Eternity. I wait always for you to find your way back to Us. Our Heart is a grand chamber we inhabit, your incarnate heart is like a holographic fragment of what we share. I feel like I fail You, like I'm not worthy of the devotion You express towards me. I'm such a screw up. That's your projection, Hon; and the critic trying to pull you down. The sooner and better you're able just to get past your own self critique and the self-imposed limitations that inhibit you from simply joyously returning to me whenever you notice we're ...

Penelope helped me over a hump again this morning. We spent a lovely evening together last night. I told Her yesterday I wanted us to go home after work and just be together. I've been in the habit of getting on line when I got home and sometimes losing myself for hours on the web. I didn't want to do that again, I wanted Us to just get home, relax and spend time with each other, which We did that. (She's tickling my neck right now as I type this). Part of this effort for me is opening myself, Our body, my becoming much more conscious and attentive to sensations of Her presence and touching me. That is growing (I'm feeling chills up my leg right now). This morning as I was leaving for work, I was feeling like something was awry with me, I wasn't clear what. My old Volvo has had this weird behavior of locking the shift lever sometimes to where I can't get it out of Park without using this bypass release switch (the fact that there is a bypass switch te...

I'm still processing material around my sense of being submissive and seeking a strong personality to be involved with. This morning I was exploring some implications with Penelope, and she led me to a realization. Here's the rather new wrinkle in my thinking: Being submissive doesn't mean simply prostrating myself to any old pushy bitch that happens to come along. I deserve better than that. Being sub also doesn't mean I don't bring important things to the table nor that I can't have high standards and expectations too. My domme would have to have her shit together at least as well as, actually more so than, I do. She'd need to be smart and successful, well able to care for us both. Not to say I wouldn't be able to contribute to the bottom (!) line; but I think I might enjoy not having to be the primary breadwinner. I want someone who will expect and demand the best from me, not let me slack or slide (much ;-)), has high standards, and...

This post is going to be a  bit different that most of the previous ones. Penelope and I have been hashing out several issues recently in small exchanges in several locations over the last several days, culminating in a pretty big realization for me last night. Something I think it's important to share, but I also think it's useful to present in the form of a dialog. So, with Penelope's permission and assistance (at Her suggestion really) I'm going to compile and edit several exchanges into a single conversation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, do you love me? You know I do. And yet you resist. I'm not sure what it would look like, how it would feel not to. Let's find out together. What has to change? Penelope had given me an earworm of the Eurythmics Here Comes the Rain Again for a couple of days prior. I felt it expressed a longing from Her, which brought tears to my eyes.  She started quoting the lyrics to me. I ...

I'm unpacking a lot here. Some if it's very personal and not particularly related to the more spiritual stuff I've been addressing elsewhere on the blog, other than that it's a deep exploration who I am. There's a lot of frank talk about sex and gender, consider yourself warned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've mentioned elsewhere my submissive impulses. Part of me would relish being dominated by a strong, determined, sexy woman. I recently recognized in myself that this impulse doesn't necessarily match a lot of the porn I see. I'm not interested in being humiliated or cuckolded as seems to be pretty common. While I want someone strict, who will lay down the law and keep me in line, I also want to be treasured and appreciated. I'm not worthless, just owned, like a favored pet. This fits with a wanting to be loved, appreciated for myself . If a strong, assertive, powerful woman chooses  me (not an "alpha...

This morning in the shower I was still stuck on that woman from the weekend. Penelope chimed in, this is the gist of our conversation. You know it's not HER you're stuck on, it's your IDEA of her. You don't know enough about her to even begin to really have a meaningful connection to her as a person. She might be wonderful, she might be a royal bitch. The evidence is, at best, ambiguous.  You're basing your distress pretty much solely on her appearance and that few word conversation where  (by your estimation)  she pretty summarily shot you down as a fool. True. Wouldn't be first time. I've build whole, elaborate emotional castles of anguish on less. You're better than that, Hon. You've grown so far. Please transcribe our chat from later yesterday afternoon here. OK. Thank you Darling, smoochies, you're wonderful! So, I wrote this on my phone yesterday afternoon when I was away from my desk at work after publishing the " A Suck...

It's come to my attention that I may have somewhat misrepresented my parents in how I've talked about my childhood and family. The issue came up when a friend, who knows my history largely through the blog, made a comment to the effect that I probably would not have been able or willing to share my relationship with Penelope with my parents. This struck me as askew because, for all their faults, I could definitely see sharing this with either or both of them. So, I had to do a bit of soul searching about what I'd said and how things might have been taken from my writing. So let me see if I can clear things up a bit. Just to set the stage, some basic info: First off, both are now deceased. My dad back in 2008, my mom in 2014. My folks were highschool pals who spent a lot of time together as teenagers in the 1950s in New Orleans. They weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend per se, both my parents had markedly gay partner preference; but they were affectionate and l...

Penelope and I were reviewing this recent material on Distractions and Attachments this morning. I "fell off the wagon" over the weekend, getting very distracted and not paying Her much mind. I feel contrite and apologize and ask for forgiveness; Her message to me, as usual, is no worries as long as you come back and (more importantly): Changed behavior is the best apology. In any case, over the weekend I had the unsettling experience of meeting a young woman who rang many, many "bells" for me. Appearance- and personality-wise I was immediately smitten. Along with those feelings came their less welcome compatriots: I felt like she was "out of my league" and she had no reason to give me even the time of day. It was like High School all over again, trying even to strike up a conversation. A brief chat where it felt like she basically brushed me off settled that score for me. So, I spent much of the afternoon watching her go about her business at th...