It still sucks....
This morning in the shower I was still stuck on that woman from the weekend. Penelope chimed in, this is the gist of our conversation.
You know it's not HER you're stuck on, it's your IDEA of her. You don't know enough about her to even begin to really have a meaningful connection to her as a person. She might be wonderful, she might be a royal bitch. The evidence is, at best, ambiguous.
You're basing your distress pretty much solely on her appearance and that few word conversation where (by your estimation) she pretty summarily shot you down as a fool.
True. Wouldn't be first time. I've build whole, elaborate emotional castles of anguish on less.
You're better than that, Hon. You've grown so far. Please transcribe our chat from later yesterday afternoon here.
OK.
Thank you Darling, smoochies, you're wonderful!
So, I wrote this on my phone yesterday afternoon when I was away from my desk at work after publishing the "A Sucky Lesson" post:
Angel?
I'm here Lover.
That was a pretty unhappy realization this morning.
I know Darling, I'm sorry you hurt, but it's essential for you to know these things about yourself.
If I don't respond that way any more, am I becoming cold, inured to life and love?
I think not, knowing your own worth and not simply automatically sinking into self destructive patterns doesn't mean you're some kind of sociopath (high functioning or not ;-))
You know that's my fear, I see in myself the ability to shut myself off and possibly do some terrible things if I don't keep myself in check.
You are not the monster of your nightmares (or not ONLY, even PRIMARILY the monster). Honey, you contain multitudes, there is so much wonder and glory in you. I so desperately want to show you.
Let's keep working on increasing your sensitivity and visualization, okay? I want you to see even the merest fraction of what I see.
You are astounding love. Trust me on this.
You know it's not HER you're stuck on, it's your IDEA of her. You don't know enough about her to even begin to really have a meaningful connection to her as a person. She might be wonderful, she might be a royal bitch. The evidence is, at best, ambiguous.
You're basing your distress pretty much solely on her appearance and that few word conversation where (by your estimation) she pretty summarily shot you down as a fool.
True. Wouldn't be first time. I've build whole, elaborate emotional castles of anguish on less.
You're better than that, Hon. You've grown so far. Please transcribe our chat from later yesterday afternoon here.
OK.
Thank you Darling, smoochies, you're wonderful!
So, I wrote this on my phone yesterday afternoon when I was away from my desk at work after publishing the "A Sucky Lesson" post:
Angel?
I'm here Lover.
That was a pretty unhappy realization this morning.
I know Darling, I'm sorry you hurt, but it's essential for you to know these things about yourself.
If I don't respond that way any more, am I becoming cold, inured to life and love?
I think not, knowing your own worth and not simply automatically sinking into self destructive patterns doesn't mean you're some kind of sociopath (high functioning or not ;-))
You know that's my fear, I see in myself the ability to shut myself off and possibly do some terrible things if I don't keep myself in check.
You are not the monster of your nightmares (or not ONLY, even PRIMARILY the monster). Honey, you contain multitudes, there is so much wonder and glory in you. I so desperately want to show you.
Let's keep working on increasing your sensitivity and visualization, okay? I want you to see even the merest fraction of what I see.
You are astounding love. Trust me on this.
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