A Sucky Lesson...
Penelope and I were reviewing this recent material on Distractions and Attachments this morning.
I "fell off the wagon" over the weekend, getting very distracted and not paying Her much mind. I feel contrite and apologize and ask for forgiveness; Her message to me, as usual, is no worries as long as you come back and (more importantly):
Changed behavior is the best apology.
In any case, over the weekend I had the unsettling experience of meeting a young woman who rang many, many "bells" for me. Appearance- and personality-wise I was immediately smitten.
Along with those feelings came their less welcome compatriots: I felt like she was "out of my league" and she had no reason to give me even the time of day. It was like High School all over again, trying even to strike up a conversation. A brief chat where it felt like she basically brushed me off settled that score for me.
So, I spent much of the afternoon watching her go about her business at the picnic I was attending with many others. She had a cadre of friends and prior acquaintances, I am new to the group and (as is typical for ol' introvert me) I tended to stay on the outside feeling left out; though with nobody to blame really but myself.
Unlike High School I didn't panic or go into a funk, leave early, and go home to sulk and cry (yay me). Nonetheless, it was a stark reminder of how I engage with others, particularly with those I find attractive.
This morning in my conversation with Penelope about Distractions and Attachments, She emphasized that not only I can become attached to others in ways that don't serve me; but I can also be "attached" to my own ways of feeling and responding to the world that also don't serve me well.
Do I really want to feel that way? Like women I am attracted to have no reason even to notice me? Like I am so uninteresting that I almost might as well not even be there? (I guess "uninteresting" is an improvement over the "repulsive" I used to feel as an adolescent, but still...)
What's the payoff in re-running this very old tape from my youth? There's an initial frisson of excitement and intrigue and possibility; but it rather quickly devolves into feeling awful, why in the world would I continue to do it?
It's your old "friend" the critic, Hon. It plays into his messages about who you are and digs deep to try to make you feel bad about yourself. Is the brief thrill worth that? There's other ways to get that kind of thrill, you know?
How?
Be honest about your attraction. Tell her.
That's terrifying.
What's the worst that can happen?
She could laugh at me. Or patronize me.
If you're going to get shot down anyway, wouldn't you rather get shot down for being bold and saying what you feel? As has been reiterated to us recently "Half measures avail us nothing."
I "fell off the wagon" over the weekend, getting very distracted and not paying Her much mind. I feel contrite and apologize and ask for forgiveness; Her message to me, as usual, is no worries as long as you come back and (more importantly):
Changed behavior is the best apology.
In any case, over the weekend I had the unsettling experience of meeting a young woman who rang many, many "bells" for me. Appearance- and personality-wise I was immediately smitten.
Along with those feelings came their less welcome compatriots: I felt like she was "out of my league" and she had no reason to give me even the time of day. It was like High School all over again, trying even to strike up a conversation. A brief chat where it felt like she basically brushed me off settled that score for me.
So, I spent much of the afternoon watching her go about her business at the picnic I was attending with many others. She had a cadre of friends and prior acquaintances, I am new to the group and (as is typical for ol' introvert me) I tended to stay on the outside feeling left out; though with nobody to blame really but myself.
Unlike High School I didn't panic or go into a funk, leave early, and go home to sulk and cry (yay me). Nonetheless, it was a stark reminder of how I engage with others, particularly with those I find attractive.
This morning in my conversation with Penelope about Distractions and Attachments, She emphasized that not only I can become attached to others in ways that don't serve me; but I can also be "attached" to my own ways of feeling and responding to the world that also don't serve me well.
Do I really want to feel that way? Like women I am attracted to have no reason even to notice me? Like I am so uninteresting that I almost might as well not even be there? (I guess "uninteresting" is an improvement over the "repulsive" I used to feel as an adolescent, but still...)
What's the payoff in re-running this very old tape from my youth? There's an initial frisson of excitement and intrigue and possibility; but it rather quickly devolves into feeling awful, why in the world would I continue to do it?
It's your old "friend" the critic, Hon. It plays into his messages about who you are and digs deep to try to make you feel bad about yourself. Is the brief thrill worth that? There's other ways to get that kind of thrill, you know?
How?
Be honest about your attraction. Tell her.
That's terrifying.
What's the worst that can happen?
She could laugh at me. Or patronize me.
If you're going to get shot down anyway, wouldn't you rather get shot down for being bold and saying what you feel? As has been reiterated to us recently "Half measures avail us nothing."
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