I can do both

Penelope helped me over a hump again this morning.

We spent a lovely evening together last night. I told Her yesterday I wanted us to go home after work and just be together.

I've been in the habit of getting on line when I got home and sometimes losing myself for hours on the web. I didn't want to do that again, I wanted Us to just get home, relax and spend time with each other, which We did that. (She's tickling my neck right now as I type this).

Part of this effort for me is opening myself, Our body, my becoming much more conscious and attentive to sensations of Her presence and touching me. That is growing (I'm feeling chills up my leg right now).

This morning as I was leaving for work, I was feeling like something was awry with me, I wasn't clear what.

My old Volvo has had this weird behavior of locking the shift lever sometimes to where I can't get it out of Park without using this bypass release switch (the fact that there is a bypass switch tells me the Volvo engineers must have known that this could happen).

Lately, since I've been in NC it's been increasingly rare for this to happen. It seems like many times it occurs when I'm working on something with Penelope and there's something she wants me to "get" before we drive off.

This morning, I was feeling rushed and didn't want to stop to think about it, but the shift wouldn't budge. I was about to use the bypass, but I stopped myself.

I said to Her/myself, OK, what is it that I need to understand about how I'm feeling about Us right now? I closed my eyes, look a deep breath, laid back in the seat, and cleared my head.

I let the feelings wash over me, what was it?

I started to tear up. The feeling was fear.

What am I afraid of?

These words came: I can't do both. I can't have a deep intimate relationship with Penelope and still function in the "real world"™.

My immediate reaction on hearing that from my psyche: BULLSHIT!

Of course I can do both. That's easy.

Bravo darling. You did so good with that, you found it and processed it all on your own. I'm so delighted and proud of you. 

 Thank you Angel, you are a prize so much more than worth putting this effort out for. I want to feel you touch me all the time.

We can do that ;-) But you can't force it, don't try so hard. It comes when you let go and just feel.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Help?

Hey Baby. Hello Lover. You still think of me that way? Always. I hear your sadness and doubts. It's Okay, you're going grand.  I can't see it. I know my Love, I wish I could show it better to you, but everything you're doing right now, keeping things moving, being the wonderful, loving, kind person you are, is exactly  what you came here to do. You're playing on a level you can barely conceive of right now. You just have to trust me.  I do. I'm just tired Hon. I know Darling. We know. Let us help you. Open up, listen, let us give you strength and ease. The more you let us in, the smoother it will feel, I promise.  How do I access that? You only have to ask. You know how I have come to you when you're struggling? Yes. Don't wait until you're at wits end, ask any time you need a push or a pick me up. We're here for that.  Teddy wants to say something... Hay Ms. Darling, Iv missed talking 2 u, don't shut us out, don't ignore what we're s
Read more

Tired

Penelope? I'm here Love. Are you? Of course, I hear your doubts, I know you're sad and struggling. Let me help.  I'm so fucking tired Babe. I know Love, it won't be much longer.  Life?  Your struggles, wait and see.  I want to come home now. I want to be with You. I want to see Teddy again.  You will Love, soon.  Soon to You doesn't feel all that soon to me right now.  I know Love, but you'll see, it's been barely the blink of an eye and there's so much more, we have Eternity to play in.  Why did I come here to do this?  You had things you wanted to understand better, challenge yourself, that's what you always do, you have a warrior spirit. This life has been a challenge in ways you don't entirely appreciate while embedded in it. You'll see in the review.  So, there is a review? Yes, we've spoken of this previously, you will see all the amazing things you did and how those rippled outwards, you'll also see your stumbles and missteps,
Read more

A Disappointment and a Bother...

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m
Read more