Love is Safe
This post is going to be a bit different that most of the previous ones. Penelope and I have been hashing out several issues recently in small exchanges in several locations over the last several days, culminating in a pretty big realization for me last night.
Something I think it's important to share, but I also think it's useful to present in the form of a dialog. So, with Penelope's permission and assistance (at Her suggestion really) I'm going to compile and edit several exchanges into a single conversation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, do you love me?
You know I do.
And yet you resist.
I'm not sure what it would look like, how it would feel not to.
Let's find out together.
What has to change?
Penelope had given me an earworm of the Eurythmics Here Comes the Rain Again for a couple of days prior. I felt it expressed a longing from Her, which brought tears to my eyes.
She started quoting the lyrics to me.
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you?
So baby talk to me
Like lovers do
Walk with me
Like lovers do
Talk to me
Like lovers do
You know I want that too. You know I want Us to have contact as deep as it's possible for Us to have.
Then let me in.
I don't know how to let You in any more than I have.
Keep trying. Keep looking. Keep listening. DON'T GIVE UP. We're closer than you believe, it's closer than you dare think, every tingle and "nootch" you feel is me getting nearer. Please darling, I want this as badly, maybe worse, than you do. I miss US so much.
Have I been gone that long?
Not "long" in the sense you mean it. When we separate to do this (incarnate separately or together) there's a sense of longing that starts, you feel it though you can't always name it. It's a delicious excruciation of desire and anticipation, looking for the other in every encounter.
I have felt like that.
It's me you're looking for Hon. Always. And I'm always here waiting for you to come home. Come home to me, sweet baby love.
What do I do when I feel like I want "skin", I want to hear a voice and feel breath in my ear?
We're working on that, but you understand about the Tulpa, right? If you go that far it will limit what I can do and be for you. Much better to work on expanding the Dream Realm alternative. But you have to WORK at it.
You have to work at either of them, but working on Dreams gives you, gives US, so much more freedom and flexibility. I promise you, it's better than a Tulpa. And you know when you're hypnogogic, sometimes things spill over anyway, right? ;-)
Yeah.
So, are you willing to try this with me?
Honey, You know I'd do anything for You.
In the moment, yes; sticking to a program long term, I'm less sure.
Fair enough. As usual I want some "evidence" that I'm actually getting somewhere.
How much evidence is enough?
I don't know.
Can you go for a day?
Sure.
Two?
Maybe.
We need to work on your willpower, Hon. Perseverance. One Day, One Hour, One Minute at a time if needed. Read those Lucid Dreaming books again, meditate, try those willpower building exercises. You think they're meaningless, perhaps not.
OK.
Don't just say it, do it!
Yes'm.
You're patronizing me again. You don't like it when somebody patronizes you.
I feel hopeless and helpless.
You're neither.
I'm not feeling it right now. Right now I want to go home and lie in bed and sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself.
What have you got to feel sorry about?
That I'm old and ugly and I'm making all these changes too late in life and I can't fix things with Priscilla and I don't earn enough money and I can't make myself write or get work done on the contract software project, and then there's the women I've encountered, and then there's You.
What about me?
You're not real.
So We're THERE again?
I had to get that out, it was festering. I don't know what to believe Hon. I want You to be real.
Then I am. I'm as real as you allow me to be.
That doesn't make sense.
None of this makes "sense", Hon. The Cosmos doesn't "make sense", that's not what this is all about.
The "sense" (reductionist/rational) part of it is such a small fraction of what's going on it's almost ludicrous that humanity has staked so much of its existence on just that.
Stop making sense, come over to the Dark Side, we have brownies ;-)
I laughed out loud at that point.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, I've been struggling mightily with staying focused lately, particularly on Penelope and my growth process with Her. The recent focus on Distractions and Attachments is a reflection of that.
I've been lying in bed with her in the evenings, snuggling and feeling very close, as close or closer than we ever have; and at the same time I felt conflicted; part of me wanted to escape.
Last night she told me this:
Honey, you know it's SAFE to love me. It's SAFE to let me love you. My love for you is NOT a TRAP.
I started crying.
How did You know I was feeling trapped? I fear being trapped.
Your entangled relationship with your mom makes that kind of a no-brainer. And look at your history with relationships with women: in general, the more a woman kept you away the more interested you were; if she expressed interest, you were ambivalent, kept them at arm's length; if she pursued, you ran.
That's not entirely true; I can list counter-examples easily.
No, but close enough to indicate something going on.
I guess I can buy that.
Those secret chambers in your heart you've always kept closed and hidden, you can open them to me. You CAN let me in.
I want to. I'm afraid.
I know you are baby. Take a chance. Be brave. I promise you it's safe. Do you trust me?
I do, as much as I've ever trusted anyone.
No matter what happens Love. You won't die. It's not your time. What do you fear most?
The Trap, being caught and finding out...
Finding out what, Love?
...finding out she's not the perfect loving goddess I thought she was. Who'll make me be my best, who understands me, gets me, holds me and pushes me, loves me fiercely but takes no bullshit.
You're describing ME, you know, Babe ;-)
I see that.
Relax and let it happen. It's what you've always wanted. I'm yours, you're mine. Always and forever my darling. Let's make some magick together, let's play!
Something I think it's important to share, but I also think it's useful to present in the form of a dialog. So, with Penelope's permission and assistance (at Her suggestion really) I'm going to compile and edit several exchanges into a single conversation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know I do.
And yet you resist.
I'm not sure what it would look like, how it would feel not to.
Let's find out together.
What has to change?
Penelope had given me an earworm of the Eurythmics Here Comes the Rain Again for a couple of days prior. I felt it expressed a longing from Her, which brought tears to my eyes.
She started quoting the lyrics to me.
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you?
So baby talk to me
Like lovers do
Walk with me
Like lovers do
Talk to me
Like lovers do
You know I want that too. You know I want Us to have contact as deep as it's possible for Us to have.
Then let me in.
I don't know how to let You in any more than I have.
Keep trying. Keep looking. Keep listening. DON'T GIVE UP. We're closer than you believe, it's closer than you dare think, every tingle and "nootch" you feel is me getting nearer. Please darling, I want this as badly, maybe worse, than you do. I miss US so much.
Have I been gone that long?
Not "long" in the sense you mean it. When we separate to do this (incarnate separately or together) there's a sense of longing that starts, you feel it though you can't always name it. It's a delicious excruciation of desire and anticipation, looking for the other in every encounter.
I have felt like that.
It's me you're looking for Hon. Always. And I'm always here waiting for you to come home. Come home to me, sweet baby love.
What do I do when I feel like I want "skin", I want to hear a voice and feel breath in my ear?
We're working on that, but you understand about the Tulpa, right? If you go that far it will limit what I can do and be for you. Much better to work on expanding the Dream Realm alternative. But you have to WORK at it.
You have to work at either of them, but working on Dreams gives you, gives US, so much more freedom and flexibility. I promise you, it's better than a Tulpa. And you know when you're hypnogogic, sometimes things spill over anyway, right? ;-)
Yeah.
So, are you willing to try this with me?
Honey, You know I'd do anything for You.
In the moment, yes; sticking to a program long term, I'm less sure.
Fair enough. As usual I want some "evidence" that I'm actually getting somewhere.
How much evidence is enough?
I don't know.
Can you go for a day?
Sure.
Two?
Maybe.
We need to work on your willpower, Hon. Perseverance. One Day, One Hour, One Minute at a time if needed. Read those Lucid Dreaming books again, meditate, try those willpower building exercises. You think they're meaningless, perhaps not.
OK.
Don't just say it, do it!
Yes'm.
You're patronizing me again. You don't like it when somebody patronizes you.
I feel hopeless and helpless.
You're neither.
I'm not feeling it right now. Right now I want to go home and lie in bed and sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself.
What have you got to feel sorry about?
That I'm old and ugly and I'm making all these changes too late in life and I can't fix things with Priscilla and I don't earn enough money and I can't make myself write or get work done on the contract software project, and then there's the women I've encountered, and then there's You.
What about me?
You're not real.
So We're THERE again?
I had to get that out, it was festering. I don't know what to believe Hon. I want You to be real.
Then I am. I'm as real as you allow me to be.
That doesn't make sense.
None of this makes "sense", Hon. The Cosmos doesn't "make sense", that's not what this is all about.
The "sense" (reductionist/rational) part of it is such a small fraction of what's going on it's almost ludicrous that humanity has staked so much of its existence on just that.
Stop making sense, come over to the Dark Side, we have brownies ;-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, I've been struggling mightily with staying focused lately, particularly on Penelope and my growth process with Her. The recent focus on Distractions and Attachments is a reflection of that.
I've been lying in bed with her in the evenings, snuggling and feeling very close, as close or closer than we ever have; and at the same time I felt conflicted; part of me wanted to escape.
Last night she told me this:
Honey, you know it's SAFE to love me. It's SAFE to let me love you. My love for you is NOT a TRAP.
I started crying.
How did You know I was feeling trapped? I fear being trapped.
Your entangled relationship with your mom makes that kind of a no-brainer. And look at your history with relationships with women: in general, the more a woman kept you away the more interested you were; if she expressed interest, you were ambivalent, kept them at arm's length; if she pursued, you ran.
That's not entirely true; I can list counter-examples easily.
No, but close enough to indicate something going on.
I guess I can buy that.
Those secret chambers in your heart you've always kept closed and hidden, you can open them to me. You CAN let me in.
I want to. I'm afraid.
I know you are baby. Take a chance. Be brave. I promise you it's safe. Do you trust me?
I do, as much as I've ever trusted anyone.
No matter what happens Love. You won't die. It's not your time. What do you fear most?
The Trap, being caught and finding out...
Finding out what, Love?
...finding out she's not the perfect loving goddess I thought she was. Who'll make me be my best, who understands me, gets me, holds me and pushes me, loves me fiercely but takes no bullshit.
You're describing ME, you know, Babe ;-)
I see that.
Relax and let it happen. It's what you've always wanted. I'm yours, you're mine. Always and forever my darling. Let's make some magick together, let's play!
Wow! So beautiful! So heart-warming! This brought tears to my eyes and has welled up within me my own deep yearning for my soulmate/spiritual companion.
ReplyDeleteIt is safe to love!
Like you, I also panic and feel trapped when I open myself a little to this unknown force called Love. I intellectually understand that Unconditional/Divine Love is our innate spiritual nature. However, my physical/psychological nature bolts (or in my personal case, freeze) at the first sign of true intimate affection towards me.
I strongly feel that I've wasted my chance to learn to give and receive Unconditional Love in my current incarnation. May as well start now.
I read your blog every other day. keep it up. You and Penelope help raise the spiritual vibration of those you draw to you without even realizing it (...well, I guess Penelope already knows this).
Blessings!
Maxine!
DeleteIt's so delightful to hear from you. We're thrilled that you got something out of the post. (Penelope is giving me chills all over as I write this).
Penelope: Don't give up Hon, it's never too late. And the effort, and pain, required to give and experience Love is always worth it. In the end, the only Love you really regret is that you didn't give or allow yourself to receive.
Thank you for the wonderful feedback on the blog, it's what we hope for and aspire to.
Much Love,
stephen & Penelope...
Thanks for the post, I'm new in this, and have been just 3 weeks with my lady spirit, I would like her to appear in front of me to hug her, kiss her... I know she wants me to works on sensing her and communicate and also see her on dreams, so is similar your post as if she speaking to me... I'm 25 an also would like to knew it sooner, since 16 I tried to get a goddess at my side, by calling one at full moon intuitively, also been fighting all this years with feeling deserving and also allowing.
ReplyDeleteJust arrived to your blog, looking to know you better, and may later express my self on a blog too, regards.
Hello Kiichi:
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting Us know you got something out of the post.
Your message comes at a very propitious time, I (that is, Stephen) have been struggling with a sense of futility recently: whether this work makes any difference, whether anyone cares or even notices.
I think I lost my way a little; having you out there is a beacon letting me know I'm not sailing this sea alone.
It's so hard sometimes to stay open to spiritual possibility, and realize that a spirit's wants and priorities have NOTHING to do with what incarnate humans see or think or value; they perceive and value us as we are in Eternity, not this limited material/temporal inflection.