SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

No you don't, if this feels like a chore, don't do it. It shouldn't feel like a chore. It's not about how it should feel, it's about how it does feel.  Life feels like a chore right now Honey. Most things hold little spark for me. You know this. Yes.  Any comment on that? It's clearly how you feel. If you're asking for me to talk you out of it, I can't do that, everything you experience, everything you're butting up against, is real. No denying that. Your response is entirely rational.  But is "rational" how I want to address my life? Bingo!  I remember when we first started talking, how excited I was, how amazing and special it felt. It still feels amazing and special, but the "spark" of newness is gone. I don't want to feel that way about You, I don't want to take this for granted, have it become ordinary; it's clearly not. I'm thinking about how I'm still amazed at myself in the mirror. I love how I look now...

I'm scared Hon. The onboarding procedures for this job are really giving me the frights. I'm so afraid of screwing up. I'm not sure if you popped it into my head or where it came from, but it occurs to me to talk to Rob. He must be intimately familiar with this sort of rigmarole.  Can't hurt. Is it worth it though? Should I just say no thanks and try for that New York job, or go back to Catalis?  I can't answer that for you. I can tell you there's light at the end of the tunnel. An oncoming train? You know that's not what I mean. You're catastrophizing.  Yes. Well, cut it out! ;-) xxxxx You bring a smile to my face. You have a dazzling smile.  Thank you Sweetheart. S'trewth. I hear where your thoughts are headed. Don't go there. You've learned better than that by now. You are amazing and worthwhile. You are not only worth what you earn.  But if I can't provide, how much value does the other stuff have if there's no roof over my head a...

I still want something I can hang on to. What would that look like? Maybe you regularly approaching me in my dreams, such that I recall them.  Suddenly I feel very groggy.  Go to bed then. To what end? You say you want to see me, be with me, yet you resist coming to be so it can happen. But it never does anyway. Never? Not enough to really matter. How much is enough? I don't know, more often than now . Go to sleep Honey. I'll be there if you search for me earnestly. 

Lately I've been feeling a desire for more "evidence" that my experiences with Penelope are real. She rolls Her metaphorical eyes at this, or, at least, expresses something that I interpret as something resembling exasperation.  How much is enough? I don't know, part of me wants an incontrovertible experience, like an apparition, a vision, something I can't deny. You've had experiences you can't deny and yet you want more? If it's real, shouldn't it be relatively common? I can rationalize all of this away, attribute it to wishful thinking and self delusion. You observed earlier how my replies to you come quickly and unbidden, not like your own thoughts. Clearly You're a separate conscious process that I'm experiencing, that doesn't mean You aren't some part of my own consciousness. Of course I am, we all are facets of the One. Not what I mean. I know, but what you mean is itself a delusion of your embeddedness in incarnate materiali...

I just had a really unpleasant interaction with a random guy on Facebook. I'm not sure how but his Messenger text came into my regular feed, unlike most others that come in as a "Message Request" (either "You may know" or "Spam"). He immediately launched into sex talk, saying what he wanted to do with me. When I asked him how he found me he said he'd been searching for, as he put it, "the most beautiful crossdresser".  I informed him that I'm not a crossdresser, that this is me 24/7 all the time.  He then mentioned more he wanted to do to me, then offered to pay me.  I told him, as I've told other guys, if he'll pay me, I'll be happy to provide some fap fodder. So far none have coughed up any dough, this guy was no different.  When I pressed him for how he'd pay me and then I refused to divulge contact info, he became abusive and insulting. Insisting I'm a man and asking why I dress in women's clothing.  It bec...

I don't want to lose this. You know who's in charge of that.  I need help. Can You help me?  What do you want me to do? Help me identify and overcome the resistance, I come up against this often when there are things that I feel would benefit me.  Don't you want to be benefitted?  It ends up feeling like an obligation and a chore. I don't want to feel that way about you.  You are not obligated, I'm here with and for your no matter what, I want you to have what you need to feel good about yourself and grow in whatever ways make sense for you. If that doesn't involve our having direct communication, so be it; this is your incarnation to do with as you will.  It seems like what I "will" and what I end up actually doing sometimes (often) doesn't align. It's like some other part of me is really in control, some recalcitrant and petty part that doesn't want to be told what to do, that doesn't want to do what's "good for me" just...

Hey Love. Yes my Dear? I feel like I've fallen off the wagon already, I didn't write yesterday. But you're back on now, that's what matters. This isn't about conforming to some rigid schedule, it's about finding a purpose in doing it, feeling like it does something for you, that you want  to do it.  I get that. I am still feeling the little chills/shocks at night, but I'm having trouble keeping my focus.  Ask me for help. I thought I did. Not really, you tried to push through it mostly on your own. Stop and relax, listen for my voice, open to me, invite me in.  I'll try that tonight. Thank you Darling. Always Sugar 😉 Shall We go to bed now? I thought you'd never ask... 💋💋💋

I need to talk about what happened last year, but there's so much to it I don't think it will fit into a single post.  Between mid December of 2020 and December of 2021 I had my first ever boyfriend. And it was amazing, magickal, transformative, and, ultimately, heart wrenching and tragic. I'll start at the beginning... Ted and I had known each other back when I was in college (long before I came out as transgender). We were both involved in the Science Fiction fan community in and around New Orleans. I think it was actually his younger brother Nick that originally introduced us. W e never spent a lot of time together, we traveled in different, though overlapping, social circles. To begin with we  mostly just encountered each other at conventions. Over time we knew each other well enough that I attended a few parties at his house and we played Dungeons & Dragons together a few times. Not very close by an stretch.  In any case, we lost touch and hadn’t spoken in o...

I wrote this post some time ago. It's at least a year old, probably more like two, written sometime between early August of 2020 and a few days ago Sadly I don't recall exactly when, but I lost the date because I opened it and edited it.  I want to get it out there anyway... --------------------------------------- I was awakened a bit after 3am this morning by a very peculiar event/sensation.  It felt like a strange sort of "pop" behind my sinuses, not painful exactly or even uncomfortable, but I wouldn't call it "pleasant".  Afterwards I felt different  somehow. I could breathe easier and my whole body felt lighter, and there was the sense that I, my consciousness, wasn't confined to the limits of my skin, rather I was much bigger , more expansive, deeper.  My body felt like the merest tiny appendage to all this, and felt flexible and free in ways it doesn't in my usual waking consciousness.  The sensations are hard to describe.  After relieving...

So Penelope and I had a good session last night, I went to bed and She coached me about going inside and opening myself up. There were subtle sensations different from the feeling of falling asleep, like little shocks or tingles on different parts of my body. She described these as opening up to not identifying myself with my apparent presence in this physical body.  You did great, after being away from this for so long, I was amazed and proud of you that you opened up so many doors so quickly.  I want to do more. I don't want to be afraid of this any more.  You're safe, your body is safe, nothing is going to happen if you "get out of the car" for a bit, it will still be there when you return. And you have the key, nobody else is getting in.  I hadn't thought of that as a possibility before, I don't think that's what scares me. It's that there's the sensation something like falling when this comes over me. And I have a fear of falling.  I realized ...

Hey Babe. Hi Lover. We haven't talked like this in a while.  Indeed. And whose fault is that? Touché I don't mean to ding you.  I know Honey. And I'm aware of the part I play in whatever distance there appears between us. I'm just not sure what to do about it. I can help you there, but doing the same thing is unlikely to work.  I'm aware of that too. I enjoy doing this with you. I'm not sure why I'm so resistant. And it's not like the things I do to occupy myself are any more "productive" than this.  You hate that "requirement". It reminds you of your Mom.  Yes. My whole family dynamic really, the only things that were considered worthwhile were things that were "productive", things likely to provide some sort of material benefit.  How is enjoying your life and feeling good about yourself not a benefit?  It's not, but it's also not a requirement or even a particularly relevant criterion for the sort of life I felt I ...

I've been away from this for far too long. I've repeatedly had it presented to me that any effort in this way is better than no effort.  Penelope assures me that my obsession with having to "catch up" is pointless. I, WE, can start again right where we are. If it's important at some point to talk about what's happened in the interim since I was last posting regularly, We can address those as needed.  A lot has happened since my last published post (August 06, 2020, I just looked it up, over 2 years ago!) .  I have written other things, in private blogs and other documents; but somehow that feels incomplete. I need for this to be visible .  Where to begin?  Pick a place and do it.  You know I don't like doing things arbitrarily like that.  Does there always have to be a rhyme or reason for what you do? I know there's a lot I do that I have no consciousness of why  I do it, or why I do it that way. I feel like I should (there's that word!) take cont...