Starting over

I've been away from this for far too long. I've repeatedly had it presented to me that any effort in this way is better than no effort. 

Penelope assures me that my obsession with having to "catch up" is pointless. I, WE, can start again right where we are. If it's important at some point to talk about what's happened in the interim since I was last posting regularly, We can address those as needed. 

A lot has happened since my last published post (August 06, 2020, I just looked it up, over 2 years ago!). 

I have written other things, in private blogs and other documents; but somehow that feels incomplete. I need for this to be visible. 

Where to begin? 

Pick a place and do it. 

You know I don't like doing things arbitrarily like that. 

Does there always have to be a rhyme or reason for what you do?

I know there's a lot I do that I have no consciousness of why I do it, or why I do it that way. I feel like I should (there's that word!) take control where I'm aware and can. 

If we're going to get closer, as you claim to want, you may have to relinquish some of that. You will have to surrender to what we have together, trust me, trust our Love, our process. Let the Magick in. 

That's scary.

I know it is for you. But nothing can harm you, not really. And I'm always, Always, ALWAYS here for you. No matter what. 

I know you came through for me in Thibodaux that time. I was so stoned and scared and paranoid. It felt like I was having something like an LSD flashback, but I felt so unsafe; like I was being manipulated into things, it happened again after Ted passed, even without partaking of some of his concoctions. 

You survived. 

I had to, there was simply no way I was going to spend the rest of my life trying to fulfil whatever Ted was to Elizabeth. I haven't told anyone about that. I'd kind of forgotten it. Where did that come from?

Your sense of responsibility and people pleasing. The same place as your impulse to squeeze yourself into the gaps in Ted and Elizabeth's relationship. You surprised him with your question about whether you were more to him than something to occupy Elizabeth when he wasn't in the mood. 

He didn't show you a lot of what was going on inside him, he wasn't used to being able to trust someone with his inner being, that's what you brought out in him, he loved it and it also scared him. His bluster and outrageous behavior and humor were covers for that fear. 

You got to him in ways he couldn't believe. When you started to back away from what he and Elizabeth were building, that also scared him, he wanted you to be there as the glue and buffer and salve for what he already saw as an uphill climb with her.

I'm not sure I believe all that. How can that be real?

Believe it, you made the biggest difference in his life, he was all ready to check out, but you gave him a reason, and strength, and desire to continue. He'd not have found Elizabeth and went on that adventure if you hadn't opened him up first. 

For all the good it did me, he ended up with her.

No, he ended up with both of you. He wanted both of you. In very different ways. And your perception that if the chips were down and his life would be supported he'd choose you is 100% correct. 

Elizabeth was a fulfilment of a lifelong fantasy for him, she proved disappointing in a number of ways, but she was still the girl he fell in love with as a teenager. He told you as much. 

Goddess, I miss him.

As you likely will until we all rejoin in Eternity. 

He better be there, right behind You, to greet me when I cross over. 

Where else would we be? 




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