Reconnecting

Hey Babe.

Hi Lover.

We haven't talked like this in a while. 

Indeed. And whose fault is that?

Touché

I don't mean to ding you. 

I know Honey. And I'm aware of the part I play in whatever distance there appears between us. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

I can help you there, but doing the same thing is unlikely to work. 

I'm aware of that too. I enjoy doing this with you. I'm not sure why I'm so resistant. And it's not like the things I do to occupy myself are any more "productive" than this. 

You hate that "requirement". It reminds you of your Mom. 

Yes. My whole family dynamic really, the only things that were considered worthwhile were things that were "productive", things likely to provide some sort of material benefit. 

How is enjoying your life and feeling good about yourself not a benefit? 

It's not, but it's also not a requirement or even a particularly relevant criterion for the sort of life I felt I was being directed toward. I'm not clear my maternal grandparents were particularly happy with their lives, they passed that on to my mom and her siblings. It's still playing out in the grandkids (me included).

You've found some happiness. 

Yes, with you and discovering my true identity as Stef. Meeting You has been the greatest revelation of my life. It even trumps coming out trans to myself. If I had to pick one or the other, I'd want to know You. 

You were miserable living as a man. 

Yes, but I was even more miserable just living before meeting You, there was no hope, no sense that there was something more to existence than the sadness, pain, and drudgery of 3d existence. 

Teddy got that, that was a big piece of why I loved him so. 

He was on board with you and me.

He was so down for it. You were driving while he and I were necking in the back. Never happened really. He was a lot of talk and not so much action.

His dreams for you and him were bigger than he still had the strength to muster. He wanted so much, but his body was failing him.

I know, and I hate that Elizabeth wore him down and out. She should have treated him with more care and concern, she was so oblivious. 

It was what he wanted. 

I was willing to step aside and let him have it, he wouldn't let me. 

He wanted you both. You heard him yourself, he was greedy. He tried to make it work for all of you, but couldn't see past his fascination with Elizabeth to see how it was for you. 

This is sidelining away from talking about Us though.

Good Catch Hon! 

How can We get back to how it was before? I want the playfulness and spontaneity we had, I want to hear You laugh, see You dance for me, feel You close to me.

I'm here Lover, you just have to pay attention. Ask for me, call my name, quiet yourself and listen for my voice and pay attention to my touch. 

Why don't I see You in dreams more? I ask for that all the time. 

Not consistently, you wait right until you're about to sleep and then your mind wanders. 

I know. I have the willpower of a gnat. 

In some ways, in others you are the soul of determination, just not in ways that get you where you claim to want to be. 

Maybe it's not really what you want.

You're right. I want it to come easily and at my behest, I've never liked having to work hard for things, nothing ever felt that important.

I don't want to treat YOU as unimportant, but I'm afraid. I hate that I still feel like this could be self delusion. 

You will always feel that way, until you come back to me and see, it can't be any other way.

Even if I had more "proof"? Encountering You in dreams, having OOBEs or an NDE? Encountering more paranormal phenomena? 

Will you permit that? 

I say I want it, consciously I feel like I want it, but I'm afraid. 

What is there to be afraid of? You cannot be harmed.

This body can be injured, I can feel pain. 

Yes, but it's temporary, you know this. And that's far from a necessary outcome. Isn't the knowledge and experience (gnosis) worth it, worth some discomfort, worth experiencing and then going past your fear?