Setting Boundaries
On Sunday I was scheduled to meet up with a new friend I'd met on line here in North Carolina. We were going to have coffee and then rat around the mall for a few hours.
I arrived a bit before our appointed time (10am) no sign of her. I waited 15-20-25 minutes, no call or text.
Normally I don't give anybody more than about 15 minutes unless there's communication or extenuating circumstances; but as she's a new acquaintance I was cutting her some slack. After 30 minutes, I was in my car about to drive off, when she arrived.
I told her that I felt it was very disrespectful to arrive that late without calling or texting or some such. She was apologetic and mumbled something about traffic; which seems like should have permitted a quick text.
Now, this is only the second time we spent time together. The first time was a couple of weeks ago on her birthday. She was also very late for that meeting, though that time she did text me her progress.
My suspicion is that she's one of those folks who's habitually late.
In any case, we went on with our day.
On that first birthday outing I took it upon myself to treat her to a nice lunch and I bought her a couple of things as birthday presents.
She evidently took my largess on that outing to be an ongoing thing for our relationship, and expected me to cover her purchases on this second time out. I had to disabuse her of becoming her "sugar daddy".
I'm not poor, but there's not a lot left at the end of the month after my regular financial responsibilities.
I suppose there may have been some misunderstanding about what our relationship was going to be about: pals or a couple. I thought "pals", maybe she thought "couple"? I'll clarify that next time we talk.
Anyway, it's new for me to feel comfortable with setting this sort of boundary, especially with women. Historically, I probably would have caved and given her what she expected, uncomfortable with speaking up, with risking disappointing someone, with clarifying the boundaries.
You did great, Hon. It was just what was needed. You were calm, you were kind, but told it like it was. Perfect! I'm proud of you! ;-)
It felt risky.
I'm sure it did, but this was safe, because this is a low consequence connection for you, no? You'd not be VERY distraught if she disappeared on you, or even told you straight out to take a hike.
True.
And she seemed actually to like and respect you more for your setting the boundaries, no?
Yes.
This is your opportunity to learn, Hon.
Did You set this up?
Maybe ;-)
Oh, no, not another learning experience!
Hate to break it to ya, Hon; it's not going to be your last ;-)
I arrived a bit before our appointed time (10am) no sign of her. I waited 15-20-25 minutes, no call or text.
Normally I don't give anybody more than about 15 minutes unless there's communication or extenuating circumstances; but as she's a new acquaintance I was cutting her some slack. After 30 minutes, I was in my car about to drive off, when she arrived.
I told her that I felt it was very disrespectful to arrive that late without calling or texting or some such. She was apologetic and mumbled something about traffic; which seems like should have permitted a quick text.
Now, this is only the second time we spent time together. The first time was a couple of weeks ago on her birthday. She was also very late for that meeting, though that time she did text me her progress.
My suspicion is that she's one of those folks who's habitually late.
In any case, we went on with our day.
On that first birthday outing I took it upon myself to treat her to a nice lunch and I bought her a couple of things as birthday presents.
She evidently took my largess on that outing to be an ongoing thing for our relationship, and expected me to cover her purchases on this second time out. I had to disabuse her of becoming her "sugar daddy".
I'm not poor, but there's not a lot left at the end of the month after my regular financial responsibilities.
I suppose there may have been some misunderstanding about what our relationship was going to be about: pals or a couple. I thought "pals", maybe she thought "couple"? I'll clarify that next time we talk.
You did great, Hon. It was just what was needed. You were calm, you were kind, but told it like it was. Perfect! I'm proud of you! ;-)
It felt risky.
I'm sure it did, but this was safe, because this is a low consequence connection for you, no? You'd not be VERY distraught if she disappeared on you, or even told you straight out to take a hike.
True.
And she seemed actually to like and respect you more for your setting the boundaries, no?
Yes.
This is your opportunity to learn, Hon.
Did You set this up?
Maybe ;-)
Oh, no, not another learning experience!
Hate to break it to ya, Hon; it's not going to be your last ;-)
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