I'm not in control

I feel nauseated this morning, anxious and uncomfortable; I'm unclear about just what or why. Things are coming together, but there's still a lot to do and I feel a little overwhelmed.

You're not in control of most of it, hon; so quit trying to. Most of the current discomfort is arising over that realization encountering your "control freak" tendencies. Let Go!

But...

There's nothing you can do about it right now, just tend the garden and try to enjoy the ride.

And, you get it now that you're not alone in this, right?

I guess.

Gad, Lover, you are such a stubborn cuss. I love you, but you are BULL HEADED (typical Taurus). 

I thought you wanted me to step up and do this myself.

I never said you had to do it ALONE, but you do have to DO IT. Sweetheart, I'm here for you, and I'll do whatever I can to guide you and ease the path.

True, I can't do it all for you; there are parts YOU will have to accomplish (at the material level anyway); but that's not at all to say you can't talk to me or ask for my help while you're doing it. 

I'm always here to listen and tease and remind you why We're on this journey together.

"Tease", hunh?

You like being teased about getting out of your personal doldrums and into something grander and more fulfilling. Admit it. 

Yes, and I also come up against resistance around feeling put upon and like if I perform then I'm obliged to keep performing, ad infinitum, ad nauseam; hence this morning's sensations.

The only genuine "obligation" you have it to yourself; and you well know you can renege on and abandon that at any time.

And feel crappy about it.

That's a different issue Love; you know what makes you feel better about yourself, what makes your heart sing, what makes you feel alive and strong and competent and clear. Why not do that?

It feels unnatural, unattainable, unsustainable.

I'm sure it does feel unnatural after a lifetime of denying it. Clearly not unattainable given you've gotten there many times. 

Unsustainable? Perhaps at a given level for an indefinite period; particularly when encountering the material world on a day-to-day basis; but you can always get back there, you know how. You just have to want to and not prefer wallowing in your melancholy.

So, this is all back to my giving myself permission to want something more for myself, and permission actually to have it.

And you can cast away all that garbage about being unworthy, undeserving, and that you haven't earned getting anything for yourself.

But...

I'm not going to hear it this time. You've run that tape often enough, you KNOW it's bogus, get rid of it.

Who will I be without it?

No clue, why don't We find out?

What if I don't like it.

You can always queue the tape back up again.

I don't think I'll want to.

That's a different question. Are you so attached to something that makes you feel crappy that you'd rather keep doing it than just stopping it and seeing how you feel without it?

I guess I must be. It feels very core to my sense of self-definition.

I don't buy that, you didn't always feel like that. 

No, but I did a lot.

It was a coping mechanism when the world was beating you down, trying to force you into a mold you didn't fit. You took on a stance that your lack of conformity meant there was something wrong with you. Maybe it was the mold that was wrong, maybe it was the world's error in seeking to force you into a mold in the first place. 

I wanted to fit in, I wanted people to like me, but somehow I didn't fit in very well and I wasn't particularly well liked.

You didn't come here to fit in.