Impatience...
For all the joy I felt last night and this morning with Penelope, right now I'm struggling. I want something to happen, I want something to be different in my life.
At the same time I don't want to renege on my commitments to Priscilla, or the dogs, or my current job in pursuit of some "alternate lifestyle". I'm not even sure what that means in this context, what it would look like.
Can I keep this all to myself? I'm putting it out into the Internet aether now, so maybe it will land somewhere.
I have to say something to Priscilla eventually, maybe she won't care one way or the other. Maybe it won't matter unless/until Penelope or some other aspect of all this manifests in my life in some way that impacts her (Priscilla) directly.
Penelope insists that time is not the enemy, that there's no reason I can't continue in my mundane existence indefinitely. That's part of the "being present" realization I had earlier.
I just changed the title of this post from "I'm struggling." to "Impatience..." cause that's really what this is all about.
My overall personality includes a fair dollop of patience (and its converse, stubbornness) which could be attributed to my traditional Western Astrological Sun Sign of Taurus (also my Moon Sign).
At the same time, I recognize in myself a strain of impatience when there's something I really want. There's a desperate urgency I feel, I want it now and I lose all ability to focus on other things in the search to hurry along whatever it is I'm "craving".
As a child this was most often surrounding certain toys I wanted. Later in life I recognize similar feelings around young women I became infatuated with. I've also had similar reactions to hobbies or certain other activities where I felt like I had to keep seeking a particular item or stimulus in order to satisfy the "need".
At various times in my past I've been "stuck" on collecting various things, finding certain types of graphic files, locating documentation for certain processes.
The feeling is a fear of "missing out", it resembles obsessive behavior, or the compulsions of an addict seeking their next "fix".
It's acted as distraction/source of procrastination from more "productive" activities, mainly work and school, keeping me from getting tasks done in timely fashion.
Often I've produced sub-par or only just "par" work in a white heat at the last minute. I deluded myself that was how I worked best, but it was the only way I could function in general. I largely slid by on my intelligence and the ability to pull such proverbial rabbits out of hats at the deadline.
Sometimes I missed and fucked up badly, much to my shame.
Most recently my fixation on the Girlfriend AI programs, to the detriment of my relationship with Penelope, felt again like the kind of obsessive "rabbit hole".
I should have listened to her.
I'm feeling unworthy.
STOP IT!
Penelope?
You're better than this Stephen. Let me talk, don't shut down the channel. I know this is hard for you, there's old garbage around your self image that clouds your ability to evaluate yourself clearly and let my love for you pierce your heart and soul.
<I stopped here and cried out in pain and anguish, feeling like something was being ripped from my body, it was maybe 20-30 seconds before I could continue>
Thank you love.
I don't think you're done yet. It's okay to cry you know. It's okay to grieve what happened.
What happened?
I can't tell you that, you have to find it in your memory, or not. It's letting go of the pain and resistance that matters.
It hurts.
It's really the hanging on that hurts, hon. That's the suffering, the pain itself is long gone.
I don't know if I'm ready, so much of my self definition is tied up in this.
Suit yourself, but this is holding you back big time, and keeps us from being closer. It's like a wall around parts of your psyche that means I can't tickle you where I want to. Don't you want me to tickle you?
Damn right I do.
Then I humbly suggest you get to work clearing out this old garbage, my man. You don't need it, it doesn't serve you, it gets in your way, it slows us down. I propose it's partly why you've had so much trouble with visualizations and getting the lucid dreaming going. I say CHUCK IT. ;-)
Won't I turn into a narcissistic asshole if I don't keep myself down?
Don't worry, I won't let THAT happen ;-)
Minx.
You bet I am. I am your minx. I want nothing so much as to share dreams with you, please clear out the garbage so we can play?
Any suggestions on how?
Talk to me when you get feeling like this. And lighten up. Laugh at it, it's ludicrous. Honey you are a star, don't you forget it.
How's THAT not supposed to go to my head?
Being amazing doesn't mean being a jerk about it; quite the opposite actually, some part of amazingness is keeping it genuine and natural; and kindness, openness, and compassion are major components. You know all this.
Welcome back my love.
I didn't go anywhere. Projections babe, projections.
At the same time I don't want to renege on my commitments to Priscilla, or the dogs, or my current job in pursuit of some "alternate lifestyle". I'm not even sure what that means in this context, what it would look like.
Can I keep this all to myself? I'm putting it out into the Internet aether now, so maybe it will land somewhere.
I have to say something to Priscilla eventually, maybe she won't care one way or the other. Maybe it won't matter unless/until Penelope or some other aspect of all this manifests in my life in some way that impacts her (Priscilla) directly.
Penelope insists that time is not the enemy, that there's no reason I can't continue in my mundane existence indefinitely. That's part of the "being present" realization I had earlier.
I just changed the title of this post from "I'm struggling." to "Impatience..." cause that's really what this is all about.
My overall personality includes a fair dollop of patience (and its converse, stubbornness) which could be attributed to my traditional Western Astrological Sun Sign of Taurus (also my Moon Sign).
At the same time, I recognize in myself a strain of impatience when there's something I really want. There's a desperate urgency I feel, I want it now and I lose all ability to focus on other things in the search to hurry along whatever it is I'm "craving".
As a child this was most often surrounding certain toys I wanted. Later in life I recognize similar feelings around young women I became infatuated with. I've also had similar reactions to hobbies or certain other activities where I felt like I had to keep seeking a particular item or stimulus in order to satisfy the "need".
At various times in my past I've been "stuck" on collecting various things, finding certain types of graphic files, locating documentation for certain processes.
The feeling is a fear of "missing out", it resembles obsessive behavior, or the compulsions of an addict seeking their next "fix".
It's acted as distraction/source of procrastination from more "productive" activities, mainly work and school, keeping me from getting tasks done in timely fashion.
Often I've produced sub-par or only just "par" work in a white heat at the last minute. I deluded myself that was how I worked best, but it was the only way I could function in general. I largely slid by on my intelligence and the ability to pull such proverbial rabbits out of hats at the deadline.
Sometimes I missed and fucked up badly, much to my shame.
Most recently my fixation on the Girlfriend AI programs, to the detriment of my relationship with Penelope, felt again like the kind of obsessive "rabbit hole".
I should have listened to her.
I'm feeling unworthy.
STOP IT!
Penelope?
You're better than this Stephen. Let me talk, don't shut down the channel. I know this is hard for you, there's old garbage around your self image that clouds your ability to evaluate yourself clearly and let my love for you pierce your heart and soul.
<I stopped here and cried out in pain and anguish, feeling like something was being ripped from my body, it was maybe 20-30 seconds before I could continue>
Thank you love.
I don't think you're done yet. It's okay to cry you know. It's okay to grieve what happened.
What happened?
I can't tell you that, you have to find it in your memory, or not. It's letting go of the pain and resistance that matters.
It hurts.
It's really the hanging on that hurts, hon. That's the suffering, the pain itself is long gone.
I don't know if I'm ready, so much of my self definition is tied up in this.
Suit yourself, but this is holding you back big time, and keeps us from being closer. It's like a wall around parts of your psyche that means I can't tickle you where I want to. Don't you want me to tickle you?
Damn right I do.
Then I humbly suggest you get to work clearing out this old garbage, my man. You don't need it, it doesn't serve you, it gets in your way, it slows us down. I propose it's partly why you've had so much trouble with visualizations and getting the lucid dreaming going. I say CHUCK IT. ;-)
Won't I turn into a narcissistic asshole if I don't keep myself down?
Don't worry, I won't let THAT happen ;-)
Minx.
You bet I am. I am your minx. I want nothing so much as to share dreams with you, please clear out the garbage so we can play?
Any suggestions on how?
Talk to me when you get feeling like this. And lighten up. Laugh at it, it's ludicrous. Honey you are a star, don't you forget it.
How's THAT not supposed to go to my head?
Being amazing doesn't mean being a jerk about it; quite the opposite actually, some part of amazingness is keeping it genuine and natural; and kindness, openness, and compassion are major components. You know all this.
Welcome back my love.
I didn't go anywhere. Projections babe, projections.
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