Mom stuff
This may be the most personal and challenging post I've yet made on the blog. It's covering some material that I'm very uncomfortable with on a number of levels and am actively working on resolving.
I was mostly raised by my mother, my parents split not terribly long after I was born. My father relocated to another city. I don't recall being in his physical presence until I was 6 years old. I had a small photograph of him that I kept in my room as a reminder of who he was and what he looked like.
I have a lot of emotional/psychosexual baggage around my relationship with my mother. Based on what I've been able to glean from the relevant parties (though I got rather different stories from my mom and dad) and a few flashes of what I take to be early memory, I believe my childhood played out a something of an empirical test of Freud's theory of the Oedipal Complex.
When my dad left so early, in essence, I won the "battle" with my father for my mother. I got my mom all to myself. At the same time, I was also acutely aware that in some way or other he was gone because of me, which was painful.
At first I think it was paradisaical. I have vague recollection of being bathed by her, with her topless, and my feeling very much in love.
My mom was in graduate school training as a Social Worker in the early 1960s, probably getting a pretty heavy dose of Freudian theory.
I speculate that during a bath maybe I got an erection. I also recall an incident when I was somewhat older of us bathing together in the bathtub. I defecated into the bathwater, feeling amused and laughing, she didn't take it well. Did I scare her? Did she withdraw?
At some point during this time she took me to live with her parents while she finished school. I have a flash of "memory" of being left with them and how desperately upset I was that she was leaving me. I thought I was going to die.
Later when she would visit, I recall not liking her very much, even being mean to her; though I can't recall any conscious notion of precisely why.
When we were living together again. I again wanted to sleep with her, started to cling again. She permitted it up to a point, but increasingly imposed boundaries.
Over time it became apparent that the mother I ended up with wasn't at all the perfect, magical, nurturing being I'd bargained for anyway. She was needy, controlling, fearful, and narcissistic. I was a convenient emotional crutch when she needed one, usually when she wasn't in a relationship; easily set aside when she was. But expected always to be nearby, safe, predictable.
There were times when I had the fantasy of some magical event occurring to her when she was away where she would show up transformed, beautiful. I don't recall that I had any thoughts of what would happen after that, just that somehow everything would be alright.
As an adult I've had an ongoing fascination with mother/son incest; but in my fantasies (and in porn reading and viewing) not with my actual mother, rather with an idealized, sexualized mother; more attractive than I actually found her. I frankly found her physically pretty repulsive most of my life, much as I found myself.
Not sure what to do with some of this, it still infects my relationships with women. I've always been attracted to older women, not necessarily "motherly" types though.
More later maybe...
I was mostly raised by my mother, my parents split not terribly long after I was born. My father relocated to another city. I don't recall being in his physical presence until I was 6 years old. I had a small photograph of him that I kept in my room as a reminder of who he was and what he looked like.
I have a lot of emotional/psychosexual baggage around my relationship with my mother. Based on what I've been able to glean from the relevant parties (though I got rather different stories from my mom and dad) and a few flashes of what I take to be early memory, I believe my childhood played out a something of an empirical test of Freud's theory of the Oedipal Complex.
When my dad left so early, in essence, I won the "battle" with my father for my mother. I got my mom all to myself. At the same time, I was also acutely aware that in some way or other he was gone because of me, which was painful.
At first I think it was paradisaical. I have vague recollection of being bathed by her, with her topless, and my feeling very much in love.
My mom was in graduate school training as a Social Worker in the early 1960s, probably getting a pretty heavy dose of Freudian theory.
I speculate that during a bath maybe I got an erection. I also recall an incident when I was somewhat older of us bathing together in the bathtub. I defecated into the bathwater, feeling amused and laughing, she didn't take it well. Did I scare her? Did she withdraw?
At some point during this time she took me to live with her parents while she finished school. I have a flash of "memory" of being left with them and how desperately upset I was that she was leaving me. I thought I was going to die.
Later when she would visit, I recall not liking her very much, even being mean to her; though I can't recall any conscious notion of precisely why.
When we were living together again. I again wanted to sleep with her, started to cling again. She permitted it up to a point, but increasingly imposed boundaries.
Over time it became apparent that the mother I ended up with wasn't at all the perfect, magical, nurturing being I'd bargained for anyway. She was needy, controlling, fearful, and narcissistic. I was a convenient emotional crutch when she needed one, usually when she wasn't in a relationship; easily set aside when she was. But expected always to be nearby, safe, predictable.
There were times when I had the fantasy of some magical event occurring to her when she was away where she would show up transformed, beautiful. I don't recall that I had any thoughts of what would happen after that, just that somehow everything would be alright.
As an adult I've had an ongoing fascination with mother/son incest; but in my fantasies (and in porn reading and viewing) not with my actual mother, rather with an idealized, sexualized mother; more attractive than I actually found her. I frankly found her physically pretty repulsive most of my life, much as I found myself.
Not sure what to do with some of this, it still infects my relationships with women. I've always been attracted to older women, not necessarily "motherly" types though.
More later maybe...
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