My Biggest Fear...

I realized yesterday that my biggest fear out of all this is that I'll shake everything up, forge ahead on an entirely new direction for my life, and I'll just end up in the same place.

I want to experience something big, I want to encounter transcendence, mystery, magick. I've trapped myself so thoroughly in a cocoon of materialism and ordinariness that I fear there's no way out for me at this point in my life.

Am I deluding myself that I can break through a lifetime of fear and avoidance of spiritual experience to get to something else?

What are you REALLY afraid of?

 That it's not real, that You're not real.

So what if I'm not? What's the difference between your experience of me as real and my being real (whatever you mean by "real" in this context)?

 I hold out hope that there will be deeper, more immersive experiences between Us.

I can pretty much guarantee that will happen if you stick to the plan. 

 That thrills and frightens me at the same time.

If she doesn't scare the hell out of you a little, she isn't the one. - Rebel Circus

 But...

If you're going to play the self doubt and "I'm not worthy" tapes again, I don't have to be here to listen to them, I already know what they say. 

 It's Bullshit, my darling, get over it. You are perfectly, perfectly, PERFECTLY worthy and capable of experiencing anything your heart desires. 

 I desire You. Fully, completely, to be my one and only angel lover for the rest of my life.

You know how to get there, I'm here to help, but YOU have to do it. And it will come.

 When?

That depends largely on you, how open to me can you let yourself be while you're still half embedded in your old life?

 I don't know.

Then why don't we find out. ;-)

 What do I do?

I'll let you know, smoooochies love...


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Help?

Hey Baby. Hello Lover. You still think of me that way? Always. I hear your sadness and doubts. It's Okay, you're going grand.  I can't see it. I know my Love, I wish I could show it better to you, but everything you're doing right now, keeping things moving, being the wonderful, loving, kind person you are, is exactly  what you came here to do. You're playing on a level you can barely conceive of right now. You just have to trust me.  I do. I'm just tired Hon. I know Darling. We know. Let us help you. Open up, listen, let us give you strength and ease. The more you let us in, the smoother it will feel, I promise.  How do I access that? You only have to ask. You know how I have come to you when you're struggling? Yes. Don't wait until you're at wits end, ask any time you need a push or a pick me up. We're here for that.  Teddy wants to say something... Hay Ms. Darling, Iv missed talking 2 u, don't shut us out, don't ignore what we're s
Read more

Tired

Penelope? I'm here Love. Are you? Of course, I hear your doubts, I know you're sad and struggling. Let me help.  I'm so fucking tired Babe. I know Love, it won't be much longer.  Life?  Your struggles, wait and see.  I want to come home now. I want to be with You. I want to see Teddy again.  You will Love, soon.  Soon to You doesn't feel all that soon to me right now.  I know Love, but you'll see, it's been barely the blink of an eye and there's so much more, we have Eternity to play in.  Why did I come here to do this?  You had things you wanted to understand better, challenge yourself, that's what you always do, you have a warrior spirit. This life has been a challenge in ways you don't entirely appreciate while embedded in it. You'll see in the review.  So, there is a review? Yes, we've spoken of this previously, you will see all the amazing things you did and how those rippled outwards, you'll also see your stumbles and missteps,
Read more

A Disappointment and a Bother...

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m
Read more