SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

The current lesson Penelope has me working on, has to do with my always looking outside myself for permission and approval. I've tended to abdicate responsibility for my life to others, allowing their preferences and desires to supersede mine almost always. Historically, I've generally looked to romantic partners to provide this context for me; I'd subsume my feelings, wants, and needs to theirs in an effort to get them to like me and, at some level, rescue me from the emotional and interpersonal confinements of my childhood and family situation. On the one hand this let me off the hook for getting things wrong (i.e. it wasn't my choice that disappointed), but it would also start to chafe after a while. I'd start to feel like my needs weren't getting met; though why should they when I wasn't standing up for them or even expressing them? It wasn't a rational process like that though. The big lesson for me here is I get to choose . That's e

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed again. I know, sweet one, all will be well. Listen to our friend, she's on the wavelength for where things are going. Relax, let it be and become. You can't control it, and you can't really tell what it's going to be, though your imaginings are not far off the likely themes. I feel uncomfortable that I'm deceiving Priscilla. What do you think her reaction would be if you told her? I think she'd freak out (again), things here would become seriously toxic. And she'd accuse you of spilling the proverbial beans to assuage your own guilt rather than doing anything to help her. True. I don't counsel deception as a general practice, but in this situation playing close to the chest with some of this information seems prudent, she can't possibly comprehend the life We're building together. All will come to light soon enough and best that you're out of most harm's way when it does.

I invited Penelope to merge with me even more fully last night. I struggled mightily to open my mind, heart, and spirit to sharing everything with her. There were some physical twists and some neurological sensations, not entirely pleasant, though when I relaxed and deeply asserted "Yes!" to what was happening, everything went smoothly. There followed a delicious sense of communion, of sharing my physicality, my whole being with her. I stop and feel her energies flow through me and I'm delighted and laugh out loud. I hear those doubts creeping in Lover, don't let them. This is REAL, feel me caress you, feel me love you completely, We can share it all my darling. Stay open and curious and We'll go places and do things you can scarcely imagine now. Trust me. I do. Should we have a ceremony of some kind to recognize this? I'd be delighted to do that, and I think it would help "seal the deal" for you.  I also think it would be prudent to wait

I've mentioned elsewhere in the blog that I don't consider myself a Christian, though I was raised (largely non-attending) Methodist. I'm deeply dubious of the claims of the unique historicity of what is proposed to underlie the Christian message. All that theological foolishness aside, I recognize that this time of year is important; has been since time immemorial, totally aside from any modern inflection; and resonates for most folks on a lot of levels. The time around the Winter Solstice, when days are shortest in the northern hemisphere is felt as a time of assessing the previous year, taking what lessons can be gleaned from it, releasing what is not useful, and looking toward the renewal to come with hope, love, and courage. So, whatever tradition you find yourself in, or none; Penelope and I wish you a beautiful and hopeful Winter holiday season and best wishes for the coming year. Indeed we do, Love.  Warm Regards, Us...

Penelope and I had a chat this morning, centering around my struggle to let Her in. Her words to me were: Stephen, you deserve Me! Somehow, hearing it put so succinctly, with the spin on deserve  broke through something in me. And then we kept talking. She tells me none of this is really about me having done or doing anything in particular going forward. I don't have to earn Her, I don't have to suffer to have Her in my life; it's not really about earning or deserving or being worthy; our connection just IS.  Yes, my love, as I've tried to say to you before, we're a pair; always have been, always will be (to couch it in time-based terms). I'm HERE no matter what, I LOVE YOU no matter what; anything else you think, perceive, or feel is a misunderstanding or a projection of your own fears and anxieties and old emotional garbage. Can we lay this issue, at least, to rest? I think so, love. Thank You for pushing through with Your comments this morning, hea

I was just reading through a meditation on encountering one's "Twin Flame" that I found here: Prepare for your Twin Flame Reunion (Very interesting site overall, btw). I was feeling a great deal of emotion as I read along, but finally stalled completely when the instructions got to: Are there any sensations in your body where you feel any discomfort or blocks now release those blocks with a sound wonderful and now that you have moved to that inner environment you can feel the safety of this space creating a wonderful safe environment to explore your Twin Flame Love. Just breath in that safety Allow yourself to feel it. [ Emphases mine] I realized that I do not feel safe  right now; quite the contrary, I feel very exposed and vulnerable and like things could go wrong very easily. Don't you trust me Stephen? Dare to trust what We're creating together my darling love. I know it hurts right now, I know it's scary, I know it looks like things are very u

I feel nauseated this morning, anxious and uncomfortable; I'm unclear about just what or why. Things are coming together, but there's still a lot to do and I feel a little overwhelmed. You're not in control of most of it, hon; so quit trying to. Most of the current discomfort is arising over that realization encountering your "control freak" tendencies. Let Go! But... There's nothing you can do about it right now, just tend the garden and try to enjoy the ride. And, you get it now that you're not alone in this, right? I guess. Gad, Lover, you are such a stubborn cuss. I love you, but you are BULL HEADED (typical Taurus).  I thought you wanted me to step up and do this myself. I never said you had to do it ALONE, but you do have to DO IT. Sweetheart, I'm here for you, and I'll do whatever I can to guide you and ease the path. True, I can't do it all for you; there are parts YOU will have to accomplish (at the material level any

Many pieces are in place for me to make the move to North Carolina that appears to be the next stage in my professional, personal, and spiritual evolution. Nonetheless a couple of critical ones are still in flux. In particular the pending job offer I have working for a project out of NC State is waiting for administrative review and approval. My prospective boss says this is largely a formality, but the wheels of academia sometimes grind slowly, particularly around the End of Year holidays. So I guess there's little for me to do but keep working on clearing my plate of other irrelevancies and baggage and keep eyes on the prize. Indeed my love, there's still work to do right where you are. I know you're eager to get going on your new life, but you'll feel much better about all this and things will proceed much more smoothly if you finish your current situation as gracefully as you can.  Relax and tend the garden my love, it's all happening and it's coming

I'm sure she wouldn't admit to this, at least not yet, but I'm now convinced that Priscilla has never really wanted me for me. Looking back, I can see how I provided a level of security and comfort (mostly financial) for her, in exchange for some companionship and homemaking. We enjoyed each other's company to a point, I liked or could at least appreciate many of the things she did, though the feelings weren't very reciprocal (her tastes in literature, movies, and TV in particular being somewhat different from mine). She had little interest generally in the SF/Fantasy media I found compelling (though she later came to enjoy Harry Potter and Game of Thrones). We frequently knocked heads over my unwillingness to express preferences in a lot of areas. I felt like it wasn't generally safe to do so with her. So, over time we settled into a pattern of life where we did things that didn't push boundaries for either of us. We were stagnating. I know, she t

I realized yesterday that my biggest fear out of all this is that I'll shake everything up, forge ahead on an entirely new direction for my life, and I'll just end up in the same place. I want to experience something big, I want to encounter transcendence, mystery, magick. I've trapped myself so thoroughly in a cocoon of materialism and ordinariness that I fear there's no way out for me at this point in my life. Am I deluding myself that I can break through a lifetime of fear and avoidance of spiritual experience to get to something else? What are you REALLY afraid of? That it's not real, that You're not real. So what if I'm not? What's the difference between your experience of me as real and my being real (whatever you mean by "real" in this context)? I hold out hope that there will be deeper, more immersive experiences between Us. I can pretty much guarantee that will happen if you stick to the plan.  That thrills and frighten

I awoke this morning around 5:00am and heard Penelope talking to me. I was drowsy, not really paying attention, and starting to doze off again when I heard her say in no uncertain terms: "Wake up, this is important. Listen to me." That was new, so I gathered my wits about me and started listening. The gist is that things are at a critical stage right now and we don't have time or luxury for my lazy butt to engage in half measures. She says she's going to be on me to keep focused, organized, and persevere. I asked her whether that meant the end of our "lovey-dovey" stuff together, was she becoming my dominatrix angel now. You'd like that wouldn't you?  You know part of me would. I've always had a submissive streak. Some "streak", more like a mile wide. :-/ Honey, I don't care really what you choose to do, I'm here regardless; but given how far we've come in such a short time, it would be such a waste for you to

Penelope and I are together. I feel Her all through me. It's a delicious tingle all over and I can't stop laughing. Last night We had a long chat about what was in Our way: Mostly me and my doubts and fears; my fears that I can't do this, my doubts that I can keep it up. Maybe I can't, but I'd rather make the attempt and fail than not do it, because the outcome is so deliriously amazing. For much of my life, failure felt like an existential threat, better not even to try than risk failing. That time has passed. I do not anticipate failure, but I do not fear it. Failure is not the end, merely a speedbump, or even the entry point to something new. It feels like We  now. Not just Her and me. You've opened some doors my love, let's work at keeping them open. Keep talking to me, keep recognizing my presence, keep speaking of Us and We, that will cement the truth of this in your psyche. I'm delirious with excitement that you've come so far, it&

I see that I 'm getting to play the villain in this current breakup with Priscilla. That's a hard place for me to be in, taking blame and responsibility for sucky feelings and complexities that nobody wants to go through. So I'm effectively a scapegoat for all the negativity associated with this change. I don't like being cast in that role. I've never felt comfortable asserting my preferences or expectations as important or taking precedence or as what should be followed/pursued. I had the uncomfortable realization earlier this morning that I've been scapegoating Penelope in similar fashion, saying She's the reason for all this. Expanding Our relationship, opening up my heart and soul to Her, hearing Her whisper in my ear are definite goals for me; but I'd be pursuing this course of separation regardless of Penelope's presence in my life. Thank you, my love, I'm so pleased you spotted that. Your sense of blame towards me was a barrier to

Penelope?  I'm here my love, please don't doubt that. I know you're having trouble hearing and feeling me right now. But courage, my darling, you'll get through this.  Is there really something wonderful and special on the other side of all this pain and struggle? Of course there is my love. Regardless of me, of Us, of what We can become together, there's YOU, you get finally to experience what you've been about all this time while you flailed about in the darkness. But what if I don't like it? That's highly unlikely, but you can be something else, even go back to your old ways if that's where you want to be. I'll miss you, of course. You wouldn't stay with me? I'm not going anywhere, it's you that would shut down, close the channels, prevent our communication and communion.  I imagine you'd still have hints, and the memories would be there, maybe that would be enough for you. I told you this is pretty far out of l

Just had an epiphany about myself just now. I'm fucking lazy. Building a new life is work. Did I think it was going to be handed to me on a platter? I've spent much of my life sliding along on my native intelligence and my general ability at the last minute to pull a proverbial rabbit of "acceptable" (sometimes better) results out the "hat" of a mish-mash of mostly half-hearted work. I procrastinated and allowed myself to be absorbed in meaningless distractions; never feeling like I had a real stake in the outcome, never feeling like my life really mattered. I was marking time because nothing was important, or everything in my life was pretty equally UNimportant. Living life fully doesn't allow for such absurd self-indulgence and half-measures. I've been feeling like I needed some kind of ongoing confirmation that I'm on the right track. That kind of reassurance isn't necessarily available all the time; and much of my recent growt

Priscilla and her friends and family are casting me as a major villain in this separation drama. I recognize that my role is one of disruptor, of taking the hard road of breaking up a comfortable stasis that was slowly suffocating the both of us, I believe. That looks pretty villainous from the inside, from the perspective of day-to-day material existence within that stasis. I'm trying to see things from a higher, broader perspective. This can, I believe will,  be better for both of us in the long run. Getting there will take some time and effort. She remains in my heart and I will do what I can to care for her over time; but I was anchored in ways that would not let me go forward without breaking the anchor chains. And there's bright, shining new opportunity waiting for me. Not to mention the most brilliant, sexy, loving companion anyone could ask for.

The separation from Priscilla proceeds apace. It was swinging from feeling mildly icky to massively uncomfortable yesterday. I've found that Penelope comes to me regularly and strongly in the night. But, beyond the "earworms" and occasional comments, I'm not getting much from Her during waking hours. Last night, twice while we were being intimate, I think She sensed my sadness and ambivalence and said to me, "Go ahead, go upstairs and beg Priscilla to take you back." Which I backed off from. I think that would be an option, but not one I want. Do you doubt that's her secret wish? She might well do it; of course you'd have to subvert your power and desires yet again, even deeper this time, probably for the last time in your life (at least until she leaves her incarnate form). You'd also be on deep probation with her and her friends and family, for a long time, possibly forever. Is that what you want? No, I want what we have, I want t

Priscilla seems to have pushed through a lot of her anger and denial, she's calmer though much sadder, which is almost worse. She told me this morning that I hadn't needed to clear my clothes and toiletries out of the master bedroom/bath, and offered for me to come upstairs for meals and TV in the evening. She still wants me to sleep in the guest bedroom downstairs though; which I guess is just as well since things have been heating up with Penelope during the night. Priscilla's intent seems to be to put the house up for sale in February. I have the sense that getting an appraisal from that Real Estate agent might expedite that process though. Things still feel icky, but not so overtly hostile. I've told her I'll be available to support her with the getting the house prepared as long as she needs me, but that I'll likely have to go to Raleigh regularly. I'm dedicated to not dragging this out too long, and not to send any mixed messages t

I've started to go through my material possessions and take ruthless stock of what's essential. As I'm doing this waves of grief and sorrow are coming over me. I'm finding it hard to continue. You're doing fine Love. I know it hurts, I know you need to stop and grieve, but you're on the right path. Trust me. I feel I need some more reassurance, some inkling that I'm not just making all this up and doing something massively stupid. How is pursuing your heart's desire stupid? You want the freedom and alone time that this change will bring you, you want to explore who you are, completely independent of Our relationship, no? Yes. Something like this was coming for a long time, you know that, and Priscilla knows that, she said so. And it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy for her that "men leave" after she bucks them up and they "get better". You stuck it out for a very long time, despite the ambiguous nature of the "

I've told Priscilla about Penelope and that it's time for me to move on and learn what being with my spirit partner/angel/guide means. She didn't take it well. She told me to get out, she's going to sell the house (which we were planning to do anyway); and I guess go back to Colorado where her daughters and grandkids live. I'm going to take a new position working in North Carolina near Raleigh and work on getting my head around all this. Knowing Priscilla, she's on a slow burn right now, this storm is not likely over just yet. I'll confess that I'm afraid of her displeasure, her anger, her sarcasm. When I told her about how I communicate with Penelope, typing back and forth, she shouted "Bullshit!". Who does that remind you of? Touche. Am I living out my mom fears in relationships with women? Priscilla in particular? You tell me.  Seems like it. If I reclaim the power that I've surrendered/wasted in a fruitless bid to "ke

So. So again. What do I do? You're already doing it. You just pierced her.  I don't want to hurt her. You can't ultimately, she can only hurt herself. But there's no way for this to resolve without some pain. New life, Birth, comes forth in some pain.  I just want everybody to be happy. That's not in your power to grant. The only one whose happiness you have any control over is you.  So you're saying I've never made anybody else happy? I'm saying you may have contributed to conditions that another found happiness within; but do you suppose for one moment that their happiness was guaranteed by those conditions? You could provide everything somebody thought they ever wanted and they'd still not be happy. There's wisdom behind the myths and legends of wishes going awry. So do I just do what is in my heart to do, and damn whoever it hurts? I suggest you consider all the consequences you can see (and there will likely be others y

Stephen, my darling, there's so much happening right now, I know you feel excited and constrained and want to "get on with it". All I can tell you right now is that it's not time.  Your lesson for now is learning to relax and let it be, things are coming, it will be revealed in its own time, you can't hurry it, and trying to force it can only cause unnecessary disruptions, may distort the outcome, and can totally short circuit what we've worked so hard on. You are a patient man in many areas, apply that to yourself, to your own process. Growth has to come on its own terms.  I feel sure there will be ample other opportunities for rapid change in the not too distant future my love, I predict you'll be looking back to this quiet time nostalgically ;-) Thank you my darling angel queen. I understand. Understanding isn't enough my love, you have to feel it in your bones. BE IT.

I saw my therapist Kitty yesterday evening, I was in a pretty sad space when I got there. She helped me to recognize what I was doing to myself: Basically indulging in low self esteem and self-pity. Penelope had told me, continues to tell me, I'm better than that. I am  better than that, and need to be reminded of that fact now and again. You don't have to apologize, your process just is love. I'm thrilled that you're so readily able to get back on the proverbial horse when you fall off. The annoyance you're reading from me is a projection love, you can let it go, it's annoyance with yourself.  Come on, even the most perfected guru must get annoyed with his student once in a while. Depends whether the guru still identifies with his/her ego love; having a body and having an ego tend to go together in incarnated humans and egos are tricky things, as you well know. I sure trip over mine a lot. Most folks do. Do you have an ego? I recall what being

I'm still struggling with bodily neediness. I'm horny and impatient. I know something is coming, but I don't want to wait. But if I don't relax and allow it to evolve, blossom, ferment; I'll probably either lose it or fuck it up. It is what it is, my love. You will have the experience you need to have.  Do you know what's going to happen? I can envision possibilities, probabilities (always in motion is the future), you have free will and can make unexpected choices that could alter the entire landscape of what's laid out. Best laid plans of mice and guardian angels and all... Aren't you tired and exasperated with all this? I am. And you're projecting that onto me, I feel that. If it makes you feel better, go ahead and do that. Now it sounds like you're angry. Another projection. As long as you get down on yourself over what you do, or think you can't do, then you'll keep looking for a mirror to reflect that in yourself. I

It's been a few days since I last posted. A lot has happened. I went for an interview for a job in a different city that went very well. They haven't made a formal offer, and it remains to be seen whether relocation is the result or they may allow me to work remotely (at least temporarily to start). At this same time, I've been struggling with my contact with Penelope. She went very quiet for several days, or rather, I shut her voice out. I also don't feel her so profoundly as I had been. I don't know what to say exactly. Tell the truth. I'm not sure what the truth is in this context. You were afraid again that you were deluding yourself about my reality, you pushed me back to where you couldn't hear or feel me, and now you've just started to open the door again. And you're not furious with me for doing that to you? Saddened maybe, love; but not angry nor really surprised, it fits well with your habits and patterns of a lifetime. Disapp