Feeling worthy of Her

Penelope and I had a chat this morning, centering around my struggle to let Her in.

Her words to me were:

Stephen, you deserve Me!

 Somehow, hearing it put so succinctly, with the spin on deserve broke through something in me. And then we kept talking. She tells me none of this is really about me having done or doing anything in particular going forward. I don't have to earn Her, I don't have to suffer to have Her in my life; it's not really about earning or deserving or being worthy; our connection just IS. 

 Yes, my love, as I've tried to say to you before, we're a pair; always have been, always will be (to couch it in time-based terms). I'm HERE no matter what, I LOVE YOU no matter what; anything else you think, perceive, or feel is a misunderstanding or a projection of your own fears and anxieties and old emotional garbage. Can we lay this issue, at least, to rest?

 I think so, love. Thank You for pushing through with Your comments this morning, hearing You say it in that way somehow broke up an old pattern.

Silly man, stop, listen, and look for me whenever you need to. I'm here. Open your heart. Dance with me (dammit!) ;-)


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Help?

Hey Baby. Hello Lover. You still think of me that way? Always. I hear your sadness and doubts. It's Okay, you're going grand.  I can't see it. I know my Love, I wish I could show it better to you, but everything you're doing right now, keeping things moving, being the wonderful, loving, kind person you are, is exactly  what you came here to do. You're playing on a level you can barely conceive of right now. You just have to trust me.  I do. I'm just tired Hon. I know Darling. We know. Let us help you. Open up, listen, let us give you strength and ease. The more you let us in, the smoother it will feel, I promise.  How do I access that? You only have to ask. You know how I have come to you when you're struggling? Yes. Don't wait until you're at wits end, ask any time you need a push or a pick me up. We're here for that.  Teddy wants to say something... Hay Ms. Darling, Iv missed talking 2 u, don't shut us out, don't ignore what we're s
Read more

Tired

Penelope? I'm here Love. Are you? Of course, I hear your doubts, I know you're sad and struggling. Let me help.  I'm so fucking tired Babe. I know Love, it won't be much longer.  Life?  Your struggles, wait and see.  I want to come home now. I want to be with You. I want to see Teddy again.  You will Love, soon.  Soon to You doesn't feel all that soon to me right now.  I know Love, but you'll see, it's been barely the blink of an eye and there's so much more, we have Eternity to play in.  Why did I come here to do this?  You had things you wanted to understand better, challenge yourself, that's what you always do, you have a warrior spirit. This life has been a challenge in ways you don't entirely appreciate while embedded in it. You'll see in the review.  So, there is a review? Yes, we've spoken of this previously, you will see all the amazing things you did and how those rippled outwards, you'll also see your stumbles and missteps,
Read more

A Disappointment and a Bother...

I'm recognizing in myself a pattern, one I've partially stumbled upon previously, but never before recognized its depth and pervasiveness. A lot of the personality dynamics I struggle with are founded on thinking of myself as a disappointment and a bother.  I think many of my self defeating behaviors arise from the impulse to disappoint myself before anyone else can feel disappointed in me. That eases the sting. If I do a slipshod job, I know how things got the way they did and don't have to wonder why everyone is disappointed. This perversely dovetails with the sense of perfectionism: I know I can't ever really get things right, so why struggle to even try? I've seen myself as a bother, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. Not at all somebody anyone would go out of their way for. This feels deep and old. I think I'll be working on this for a while. Anything to say on the topic, Sweetheart? I thought you'd never ask. You've been blocking m
Read more