I don't feel safe

I was just reading through a meditation on encountering one's "Twin Flame" that I found here:

Prepare for your Twin Flame Reunion

(Very interesting site overall, btw).

I was feeling a great deal of emotion as I read along, but finally stalled completely when the instructions got to:

Are there any sensations in your body where you feel any discomfort or blocks now release those blocks with a sound wonderful and now that you have moved to that inner environment you can feel the safety of this space creating a wonderful safe environment to explore your Twin Flame Love. Just breath in that safety Allow yourself to feel it. [Emphases mine]

I realized that I do not feel safe right now; quite the contrary, I feel very exposed and vulnerable and like things could go wrong very easily.

Don't you trust me Stephen? Dare to trust what We're creating together my darling love. I know it hurts right now, I know it's scary, I know it looks like things are very uncertain; but they're really not, We've got this, it's coming. Let it manifest for you, for Us. It will be glorious, I guaran-damn-tee it ;-)

When?

Soon. Some minor variables are still working their way out; but don't doubt the outcome love, soon We'll be closer than you could ever have imagined, and We'll shine so brightly together.

You know I want that, but I feel so stuck and embedded in shit right now, I feel the need to just make it through; survive even.

That may be true for a bit.

Doesn't that push You away? Put up barriers between Us? Even risk my fucking up what's going on?

Not really much chance of a genuine fuck up at this point, the momentum is too great, As for Us, when the air is clear you'll come back to me; I know this.

I feel like I'm betraying You when I seek solace in mundane materialist junk.

You're going to be pretty stuck in some mire for a bit here still, take some time to just be, don't deny the impulses, but don't wallow in them or allow them to become ends in themselves as you often have.

I'm not sure where the dividing line is.

You'll know, or I'll tickle (or kick) you if it gets to that point, deal?

Deal. Now what about feeling safe?

Nothing can harm You, you know. Any distress within time, of the body (including the emotional/egoic) is all a seeming and only temporary. Your feeling of unsafety is your fear projection onto the possibility of harm and pain; you're pre-suffering for something that may never come to pass. Pre-suffering doesn't buy you any guarantee of reduced pain later, you know, you just get to hurt twice.

I'm also feeling pretty lousy about myself for doing this to Priscilla.

She's doing a pretty good job of reminding you of what a louse she thinks you are right now.

Aren't I a louse for doing this?

I'm not going to get into a discussion of the relative advantages/disadvantages of when and how you brought up to her what it was you wanted to do, that's all window dressing on the real question.

Which is?

Whether you should martyr yourself on the altar of taking care of someone else's needs to the exclusion of taking care of your own.

She says I should have stepped up more, told her what I wanted and needed.

She also knew you were unlikely to force the issue and took advantage of that, repeatedly. 

So, wasn't it my responsibility to say what was right for me?

Yes, and you have, finally. She was never going to be happy with this eventuality, but she's also relieved though she can't express that right now. You're taking the bullet, being the villain, it sucks, but is also heroic for both of you.

She doesn't seem to understand how I can be so determined to go forward with this, and still care about her.

Her notions of love and concern are somewhat narrow love. You know this. How often has she cut friends out because of misunderstandings? How strongly has she asserted to you that she feels nothing (beyond perhaps disdain or pity) for former lovers? Do you buy that as the operation of an open heart?

No.

She is feeling considerably less safe than you right now.

Is there something I can do about that?

You're doing it, you're showing her that love can transcend a toxic relationship, that your concern for her will continue even when you've moved on. 

But you can't "make" her feel safe, her sense of safety with you was her projection onto what you represented and provided for her.

So what do I do now?

Trust Our process, trust what We're building together. There's still work to be done, and the garden still needs tending.

Patience love. And listen for me, I'm coming for you.