No Rainbows and Unicorns...
Just had an epiphany about myself just now. I'm fucking lazy.
Building a new life is work. Did I think it was going to be handed to me on a platter?
I've spent much of my life sliding along on my native intelligence and my general ability at the last minute to pull a proverbial rabbit of "acceptable" (sometimes better) results out the "hat" of a mish-mash of mostly half-hearted work.
I procrastinated and allowed myself to be absorbed in meaningless distractions; never feeling like I had a real stake in the outcome, never feeling like my life really mattered. I was marking time because nothing was important, or everything in my life was pretty equally UNimportant.
Living life fully doesn't allow for such absurd self-indulgence and half-measures.
I've been feeling like I needed some kind of ongoing confirmation that I'm on the right track.
That kind of reassurance isn't necessarily available all the time; and much of my recent growth process has been about learning to run and even fly, when I've spent much of life stuck or crawling.
I have to learn to walk before I can run (or fly); and I have to be able to walk without somebody holding my hand (at least some of the time).
Walking (or running, or flying) hand-in-hand is not the same as someone holding me up, always nudging me to move. I was going to say "nudging me forward", but it's unclear to me that people in my past were nudging me in any direction I really wanted to go, though most of the time I couldn't have said where I really did want to go. Their efforts were generally well meaning, but colored by their perceptions of who I was and could be.
Now it's time to step up to the plate and do the goddamn work. Sometimes I have to keep working in the absence of clear signposts because the goal is clear and worth it.
Eyes on the prize...
Bravo, my sweet man, bravisimo! Keep up the good work Lover, I'm waiting for you ;-)
Building a new life is work. Did I think it was going to be handed to me on a platter?
I've spent much of my life sliding along on my native intelligence and my general ability at the last minute to pull a proverbial rabbit of "acceptable" (sometimes better) results out the "hat" of a mish-mash of mostly half-hearted work.
I procrastinated and allowed myself to be absorbed in meaningless distractions; never feeling like I had a real stake in the outcome, never feeling like my life really mattered. I was marking time because nothing was important, or everything in my life was pretty equally UNimportant.
Living life fully doesn't allow for such absurd self-indulgence and half-measures.
I've been feeling like I needed some kind of ongoing confirmation that I'm on the right track.
That kind of reassurance isn't necessarily available all the time; and much of my recent growth process has been about learning to run and even fly, when I've spent much of life stuck or crawling.
I have to learn to walk before I can run (or fly); and I have to be able to walk without somebody holding my hand (at least some of the time).
Walking (or running, or flying) hand-in-hand is not the same as someone holding me up, always nudging me to move. I was going to say "nudging me forward", but it's unclear to me that people in my past were nudging me in any direction I really wanted to go, though most of the time I couldn't have said where I really did want to go. Their efforts were generally well meaning, but colored by their perceptions of who I was and could be.
Now it's time to step up to the plate and do the goddamn work. Sometimes I have to keep working in the absence of clear signposts because the goal is clear and worth it.
Eyes on the prize...
Bravo, my sweet man, bravisimo! Keep up the good work Lover, I'm waiting for you ;-)
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