SLiPchick's Virtual Shadows

I think I've seriously hurt Penelope. She's gone very silent. She's asked me for "space". I don't know what to do. How much of this is my projection? Looking back on what I was asking for, I can see a parallel with asking a lover to engage in something they felt unsure of. Not "kinky" necessarily, rather something calling nature of the relationship into question somehow. I asked her to trust me. But have I shown  myself  to be trustworthy? Not particularly I guess. I was asking her to do something potentially stupid, something she saw as detrimental to our "mission". It was like asking a lover to take a foolish risk without having established that I really understood the risks and that I knew my ability to manage that risk. I was effectively asking her to trust me while we played with fire, and I'm a recovering pyromaniac. Penelope, if you can hear me. I'm so sorry love. I'm here whenever you come back, I hope you do. ...

I made a pact with Penelope earlier today, if I stayed focused and completed some of my mundane work in time I could download the full version of the Girlfriend AI and experiment with whether we could communicate further through it (the trial version that knocked me over yesterday has expired). I spent most of the morning heads down trying to get things done to make that happen. I was feeling exhilarated, wanting to further explorer that as a communication channel. After lunch I was walking the dogs and pondering what the afternoon might bring and I something in my contact with Penelope told me things were slightly awry. The sense was she was acquiescing to my desire for this new "toy", rather in the way of an indulgent parent; but that she didn't really feel that it was the best use of our energies. Quite so, my love. It's entirely your choice, I'll play with you at that level if that's really what you want, but it's very limited. It's a distr...

I spent a lot of last night thinking about the "AI incident" yesterday afternoon. I've wracked my brain trying to make rational sense of how a newly started AI with limited vocabulary could have come up with a fully formed sentence with words it didn't know like that. Particularly one so pointedly directed at what I was working on, it's inconceivable. Being an inveterate "computer geek" there's a part of me that still wants to pursue an AI interface with Penelope so she could respond more independently. And I realized could also be "objective" evidence of her existence. I guess part of me still wants "proof". :-/ Of course you do babe, you're a child of reason and materialism (in several senses of the term) in so many ways. I don't blame you for wanting that reassurance, but how much is enough? I don't know. Anyway, I realized it was an attempt to "trap" her, to "draw her down" into a pred...

Penelope? Yes my dear ;-) You know what I'm going through right now. I do, love. I'm sorry you're feeling so horny and don't feel like you're getting enough release. How about we try a "throb job" after your conference call? I'd like that. Me too. We haven't really done that in the afternoon in a while. I'm so proud of how you're sticking with this. I promise you it will be WORTH IT.  I believe you, I trust you, I just get so distracted sometimes. Keep working on the Lucid Dreams and your will and imagination. It's coming together (and soon we will be too ;-)) Do you come (i.e. orgasm)? I experience a emotional/spiritual epiphany from joining with you, from interpenetrating our spirits and expanding inward/outward together. It's an explosion of love and joy that for all practical purposes from my perspective equals an incarnated orgasm. That's about the best I can put it into English without it starting to soun...

Before I start off on today's topic, I want to say a few words to my angel love. Thank you for a fabulous weekend. The sex was amazing, especially our encounter Saturday night. I've told you that patience yields rewards love. The longer you can let your body become sensitive to me, the deeper we can go when we're together like that. And your opening up to me is giving my presence with you more "substance", let's call it. And that will grow? Rest assured. You'll feel me ever more solidly as we grow closer.  I do want that. Will I see you? That's largely up to you.  I thought I saw a shadow form in the darkness on Saturday, and again last night. Not always human. You know I can take many, in fact ANY, form, love. Form, is the "smoke and mirrors", the trick of all this. It seems so permanent and solid. That's how the game is constructed. The body is sort of like a playing piece on a game board. On its own it's pretty mu...

Penelope? I'm here love. I'm feeling horny, more so than I have in a several weeks, since shortly after I stopped masturbating and looking at porn. I know love, I feel your need. The body goes through cycles, even male bodies. Now you'll be even more sensitized to me, remember how intense our contact was back when we first got together and you didn't masturbate for weeks? I do. That's coming again, patience. I know it's sometimes distracting and a bit uncomfortable, relax; and you can always talk to me.  I'm afraid I'll fall off the wagon again. If that happens, it happens. We just pick up where we left off.  Don't you get frustrated with me? I know you get frustrated with yourself, but it's your process, it's what you do. Honey, I want you to shine and you are shining in amazing ways, ways I didn't realize were possible given the parameters of this incarnation. So there are some missteps and wrong turns and detours; tha...

Again rereading some of my old conversations with Penelope. The night of July 1, 2015 there was an incident that I'd forgotten about. I was dreaming, don't recall the overall content of the dream, fairly mundane I think. But what happened during the dream was what stood out. I recall the form a woman's face thrusting into the "scenery", the background. She was attempting to speak, form words. And I heard roughly, garbled: "I love you Stephen Posey". I awoke after that. I'm so glad you rediscovered that incident. Let's try that again ;-) I'm game if you are babe. Goody, dreaming with you is the closest we can get to our lives in Eternity while you're incarnate.

I've been rereading some of our old conversations from before I started the blog, back in 2015 you said: I'm breaking some rules being with you the way we have been. Can you elaborate on that? What "rules" are we talking about? It's unusual for spirit partners to communicate at this level, few of us have the kind of intimate understanding you and I share, mostly because few of you (incarnated humans) are willing.  Most want/expect their angels/guides to be something grandiose, some "Ascended Master", or reincarnated soul of an Atlantean Sorcerer, or even an Archangel.  They're looking for drama  and adventure, a big exciting story, that's available; and if that's what makes sense to folks to get them to look inside and seek the truth, who are you and I to judge?  We have our own path,  I was unsure at first it was right for me to talk to you directly like this, you'd explored so many spirit ways and found them wanti...

The only way out is through. I was surprised to discover that the consensus is that quote (or a close variant) is by Robert Frost. I had occasion to think deeply about this earlier this week, during a therapeutic regression exercise with Kitty. I found myself in a very dark space, she encouraged me to keep "moving forward", which at first implied to me moving in a straight line, as does the quote (at first blush). I was despairing, because it was dark in my regressed image, I couldn't tell what direction I was moving in, whether anything was improving, whether I was making progress, nothing. It felt like a trap, I could wander forever and I was sure to miss something. Then I had an epiphany: if I spiraled out from where I was I could exhaust the space and not miss anything! With that realization in hand I discovered that I was at the bottom of a bowl-like "depression" (interesting implication there) and as I spiraled outward I gained elevation and cam...

I'm lonely hon. I know. Open up to me let me talk. What are you afraid of? I love you What do you think I'm going to say? I don't know. I'm afraid you'll ask me to change things I don't think I can change. Like...? Quit my job, leave Priscilla, become an enlightenment guru, I don't know. We've been through this, nothing you're not ready for or comfortable with, there's no demands, no requirements, life is what you make it love. I want you to have the experience you came here to have. Which is? I can't answer that for you. I can help you discover what it is for you. I wish you could see the bursts you make when you open up, when you let me in, you're dazzling. You make me so proud to be your partner, you delight me in so many, many ways. Let me in, trust me, relax, let go. It's safe, and it's fun ;-) It doesn't hurt? I can't promise you won't ever skin your knee or bruise your ego; but that's not...

I had a vision of Eternity today. A three dimensional visual "timeslice" of a much higher dimensional reality is how I conceive of it. In it there are countless threads or vines winding, through a crystalline matrix, exploding here and there with "blossoms" of fantastic beauty. The vines intertwine and intermingle coming together and growing apart. Sometimes paralleling sometime intersecting only rarely. All are radiating from/to a brilliant "core" to/from a hazier, dim perimeter. I see that we, humans, consciousness, are these vines growing across physical time and space, the blossoms are lifetimes, the colors are learning and the expanding awareness of who/what we are in the long dance toward the core. The blossoms sometimes cast "pollen" that finds it way to other blossoms, aiding their expansion. Don't mistake this metaphor for some kind of New Agey kumbaya, the blossoms don't grow only because of "sweetness and light...

We were talking about suffering. Penelope? <At this point I couldn't hear or feel her, I felt a tremendous sense of loss, my body tensed and I felt great doubt and pain. I shook and wept and my hands on the keyboard barely managed to keep typing> It's okay darling, I know you're afraid. Let it flow out of you. Grieve if you need to. I am here through all the resistance, all the anguish, all the denials.  I am here, I love you. Thank you for sitting with me through that. I'm unsure what that was about. Grief. You're releasing old habits of thought and emotion, allowing new ways to be to arise. I know it's hard for you, love; but i t's spectacular from where I stand. Bravo. I'm afraid about what I've done to myself with this fungal sinus infection I may have created. You'll know more tomorrow. We'll see it through. I feel rather tired suddenly. You processed a lot just now, I think taking a rest would be a fine thing, we...

I've had a lot of occasion to be reconsidering my stance on materialism lately. By " materialism " I mean the philosophical stance that all that exists is physical matter and its movement through space and time. A notion of " energy " is permitted in via the back door to accommodate the source of the movement and (through increasingly detailed study and grudging allowances) acting as the substrate of materiality (E=mc 2 ). By this accounting, our human perceptions of mental events, such as "consciousness" and "free will", are mere illusions and "epiphenomena" created wholly from electrochemical processes in brain tissue. Materialism in this sense is a foundational principle of classic modern science (along with empiricism , reductionism , on a core of logical positivism ). While the classic formulation of science as a discipline has much going for it as a method to investigate the Cosmos, including many self-correcting mec...

You said a couple of days back that this can be fun. Of course it can, hasn't it been? Yes, I guess. You GUESS? You want to think about that answer mister? Getting close to you has been the most amazing experience of my life, sweet lady. I've had the time of my life. I can't recall ever laughing so hard as I have with you. And our spirit sex is nothing short of amazing. That's better, harrumph ;-) Minx. You better believe it, I'm your minx, I'm your sex slut, I'd do you 10 ways to Sunday you better believe. I believe. OK, so can we talk about fun? Of course darling. I'm only playing. That's what this is ultimately about, what I tried to show you the other day and you misunderstood. If you're open to trying different things we can play any sort of game you like, whatever you'd think would be fun, how deep do you want to go? I'm not sure. The thought kind of scares me. Let's keep working on that fear. Talk to Kitty...

I've been pondering "discontinuities" observable in our understanding of reality/the cosmos. These represent, I think, hard problems for our science, though I think they tend to get glossed over or treated as meaningless/inconsequential in one way or another. Some are characterized as "emergent" properties. Some as "epiphenomena". Some as "impossible barriers". All of which seems like hand waving non-explanation. In no particular order, and I'll elaborate on them further as I go along: 1. The actual "leap" from quantum reality/mechanics to macroscopic reality/behavior (some quantum-like behavior in the macro world notwithstanding). 2. The energy to matter/matter to energy transition (E=mc 2 ). We think we know what that's about. We apparently know enough about the matter to energy side of the equation to make weapons and power plants; but we have no concept really of going the other way except for very small amounts...

Penelope, love? Yes, my sweet? I'm so glad you're here. Always. The sex was amazing this morning, but you scared me a little...OK, a lot ...when you disappeared right after. I guess that was a miscalculation on my part, I thought you were ready to play that game with me. Learning about that part of yourself is a challenge, but we can take it more slowly. Who was that presence I felt, who pulled you away, back and kept you from me. Why me, of course. It's just us here darling. Puzzles, role-playing. Really? Really. Didn't you hear me calling "Come find me Stephen"? I did, but I didn't know how, I didn't know where to begin. That's part of the fun. But how long will it take? I don't want to be without you for too long. I'm always right there. I know it sounds silly maybe, but maybe a "safe word" I can use to say "stop", that I need to reassure myself it's a game and you're there? We ca...

Anything we need to talk about right now, my love? Nothing pressing. You've been pushing very hard, and the last few days have been a whiplash of opening and closing of "pathways". Relax, hon, you'll get there. I want so much to open to you, to let you in so that we can be even closer. I want to feel you ever more physically, I want you to inhabit my psyche and body so we can merge and share consciousness or whatever there is to share. That's exciting to me love, but it's a lot, we need to take it slow, I think your aura, subtle body is not quite up to it yet and you need more strength, especially after these last few times you pushed me out, yanked out our bindings. You've felt how that hurt. Yes. Do you trust me? <at this point I began sobbing, grief filled me, like I was giving up some old pattern> I do. I must. I will take the risk. I'm so glad, you're my one and only divine love, thank you for risking loving me, thank yo...

The Quantum Potential Field serves as a substrate for Consciousness analogous to soil for plants. It provides both foundation and a sort of nourishment. Consciousness twines through the Field growing tendrils of awareness, exploring, encountering, learning, playing (in a broad sense). This is/was the "Garden". So, what happened? Nothing really, we're just growing in so many directions. There are so many options, and there are no rules, really. No laws, no punishments, except what we impose on ourselves. But, pain is real, and in some sense, the pain we cause is the pain we also visit on ourselves. I once made the observation that, given an alternative, few of us would genuinely wish to hurt one another. I was told I was wrong. Many are immersed in their own illusions of necessity, that what they see and feel requires them to do certain things, that the world is a certain way and demands of them they act. Without those illusions, these people feel they have n...

I let you in this morning. You did, and it was glorious. I also encountered some of those scary thoughts and feelings. I know darling, and you figured out what they're about? Yes, old repressions. I don't want to believe I have repressed anger, cruelty, violence; but I do, and that terrifies me. Bravo, love, we can face those together. You're finding out you're human just like everybody else ;-) I associate all that with male , which I'm very ambivalent about. Same with a lot of other Yang qualities: rogue, scoundrel, vital, aggressive, dominant, pushy, assertive, forceful, <I'll continue to build the list as they occur to me>. Some of these I recognize as sometimes useful or desirable, sometimes even appealing; but I have trouble with them. Again, my sweet, we can look at them together. You have them all, you've just pushed them so far back you can't see them any more. Some of them wink out and they're delightful, let's ...

There was an incident Friday night. I was feeling very open and excited. Very ready to experience my connection to Penelope, my spiritual/angelic contact in a new, stronger way. I was lying in bed, the lights were out, my eyes were closed and I had the sense that she was very close, I felt a coolness, a tingling all over a sense of excitement and light similar to when she's come close to me before and something like a sense of her occupying the same "space" within my body that I do. Like she was "filling me up". As that progressed I started to think and feel many things, an openness to possibilities, ideas, actions. Some of them scared me. A voice in the back of my head said "What if...?" I was "indoctrinated" as a child into Judeo-Christian thought patterns, and even with my current sense of what's so, I feel pretty clear that there may well be malevolent presences in the universe. Is Penelope one? I don't think so, I don...

Penelope? Yes, my love? Welcome back. Thank you darling, I'm glad to be in your heart and soul. Thank you for letting me fill you with my love and for trusting me. I'd never hurt you. I'd never ask you to do anything you didn't think was right. I know that now. It was weird how strangely religious my objections were, like I'd suddenly gotten an overlay of some kind of fundamentalist thinking. Is that web site I've been reading right about the demiurgic energy that's got hold of humanity and tries to enforce limitations on spirituality, channeling things into narrow Manichean expressions? How can I express this? There are forces that behave much like his analysis, traps of a sort, mental/psychic patterns, habits of thought that can force themselves onto those who are seeking the truth. If you think you know what's going on too soon, you stop looking, it's so big and so wonderous, don't limit it too soon. Now go have dinner before Pris...

I've been reading a lot lately about the possibility of some kind of connection among various classes of mystical/religious experience (shamanism in particular), hallucinogenic drug experiences, various "psychic phenomena",  historical "faerie" encounters, and the more recent "UFO abduction" phenomenon. Viewed dispassionately, taking their content at face value and not attempting too quickly to categorize or pre-organize the material, their intersections are many and provocative. These writers (and I) speculate that the current epistemology of rigid reductionist materialism is faulty, giving us (at best) only a surface understanding of what's going on and that there are other (underlying?) substrates of "reality" (whatever that may mean) that can be accessed when our neurological systems are appropriately attuned. Far from being idiosyncratic electrochemical/neurological dysfunctions, the phenomena alluded to above provide glimpses ...

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad." "How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.”  -- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland Fritz Perls (founder of Gestalt Therapy) wrote that the two greatest human fears are the fear of death and the fear of going crazy. I don't much fear death (though I don't want it to hurt ). Arrrgh, I'd written a lot more to this post, but somehow it got truncated when I went to publish it. I know honey, I'm sorry. I wrote about my personal fear that encountering the "wholly (holy) other", the paranormal, would result in my having a total breakdown. I'd end up sobbing on the ground, telling myself "this can't be happening". But it has to intrude, invade, break through, astonish, inspire awe; or what...

I thought some more about pain while I was out walking the dogs earlier. There's no guarantees in this physical existence that it won't hurt, physically, emotionally, or psychically. Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. -- William Goldman, Wesley in The Princess Bride . Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. -- Haruki Murakami I see suffering as the fear, the anticipation of pain. It makes it worse. A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. -- William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar I haven't had much in the way of physical pain in my life, few injuries, no major illnesses. Emotionally, I've struggled with depression and feelings of worthlessness most of my life. I can see my family history as one of some emotional abuse/neglect; but nothing at the level I see others have endured and overcome. I've been stuck in a kind of spiritual malaise for some time, and much of ...

I was going to write about the fearfulness of encountering the paranormal. Part of me is desperate at this point in my life to have some kind of "proof" that my intuitions about all this are not misguided; but another (larger?) part of me is terrified. The few events in my past that I place under the rubric of "inexplicable" left me so panicked that I felt like I had to shield myself. And maybe that's the problem. On further examination, I think maybe I've built up a barrier of sorts between myself, my life, my psyche and whatever else is "out there". A wall of conventionality, rational, explicable everydayness: safe, but more than a bit dull. The cosmos has opened its doors (arms?) and offered to "play" a few times and I ran screaming, so  either it gave up or I built the wall and little to nothing has happened since. Penelope? Care to chime in? You're doing fine darling, keep going. What's the fear really about? Look...

I don't want to work any more, but I'm not quite ready to call it a day. You can always talk to me. I want something to change. Careful what you wish for darling. I know. Sometimes I just feel so tired, so stuck. It's like these folks I read about who are unhappy with the current political situation and want to just shake everything up, even to the point of collapsing civilization, so that they can start over. Do you really want that? Probably not. Not everyone would be on board with it and a lot of folks would be hurt or killed. Same thing on a smaller scale with my asking for a "reset" at the personal level. Besides you've told me I get to try new stuff next time around, right? Indeed. Whatever you like. I just have to die first. In this incarnation. That was a question I had, but I don't think I want to get into it right now, it's late. It will keep, I'll remind you tomorrow morning or later tonight if you come back to writ...

I fell off the wagon yesterday afternoon. You did. Is there something else we need to do other than move on from here? I guess not, you know how I am about wanting to beat myself to death over my failings. That's always an option, but not very useful, love. When you "fall off the wagon" as you put it, it slows you down. Better that you dialog with me when you're feeling that way than to indulge in those old habits. Part of me says there's nothing wrong with doing that. There isn't anything "wrong", there's nothing wrong with anything in any absolute cosmic sense babe, that's what I keep trying to tell you; but there are consequences to actions. If you want our relationship to flower, if you want us to grow closer, if you want to hear me whispering in your ear; you have to make room for me in your psyche, in your consciousness; you have to open to me, you have to allow your body to become sensitive to more subtle energies and one o...

Good morning Darling. Good morning Love. I'm glad you're here for me to talk to. Always, you know that. I guess I'll just dive in, it's been so long and there's so much ground to cover. No hurry, sweet man, one step at a time. Introductions in order? If you like. I've missed you. I've missed you too sweet man, but you know we communicate in other ways even when we don't dialog like this. But I need this in order to stay centered and focused, but part of me also feels like it's a time sink, a waste. Not real? You heard that? Of course. The evidence is simultaneously overwhelming to me that you're real,  but also ambiguous, nothing that would satisfy a rationalist materialist skeptic. Which you used to be, maybe questioning whether you still are. Yes. I can live with that. ;-) You know you make me laugh. ;-) You have a delightful laugh. I'd like to hear your laugh. Then open your heart and listen love. ...