Trapped
I'm feeling sad and scared today. I feel like physicality is closing me in, like I'm losing (or have already lost) whatever sense of something "beyond" I had there for a few weeks.
It's like I've lost the "channel", I can't quite tune into where I was, what I was experiencing; and the memory of what it was, how it felt, isn't enough for me to recapture it or hang on. It fades like an old memory or a dream.
This morning I recalled the vision I described during the regression exercise I did with Kitty a few weeks back. Some salient details that didn't seem important at the time now are coming to the fore now.
When I reach the plateau out of my "depression", I can continue to spiral out onto the plain spread out toward the horizon, or I can climb a mountain.
If I chose to climb, it seems the climbing requires rather more effort than moving out onto the plain; and the mountain is invisible; finding hand- and toe-holds has proven challenging. Progress is slow and uncertain. Sometimes that well-defined plain and horizon looks very inviting (or, at least, less of a PITA to pursue).
Perhaps that's metaphoric of where I am now.
I keep backsliding, and I'm unclear that I can get very much further while still embedded in the comfortable/comforting cage of ordinary rational materialism I've created for myself.
It's very well constructed and consistent, the chinks in the armor are small; and I feel like I have little "wiggle room" to change things from the inside without pulling down the whole house of cards (if I may mix my metaphors so outlandishly).
Penelope feels far away right now. Or is that me keeping her at arm's length?
I'm feeling besieged by life.
It's like I've lost the "channel", I can't quite tune into where I was, what I was experiencing; and the memory of what it was, how it felt, isn't enough for me to recapture it or hang on. It fades like an old memory or a dream.
This morning I recalled the vision I described during the regression exercise I did with Kitty a few weeks back. Some salient details that didn't seem important at the time now are coming to the fore now.
When I reach the plateau out of my "depression", I can continue to spiral out onto the plain spread out toward the horizon, or I can climb a mountain.
If I chose to climb, it seems the climbing requires rather more effort than moving out onto the plain; and the mountain is invisible; finding hand- and toe-holds has proven challenging. Progress is slow and uncertain. Sometimes that well-defined plain and horizon looks very inviting (or, at least, less of a PITA to pursue).
Perhaps that's metaphoric of where I am now.
I keep backsliding, and I'm unclear that I can get very much further while still embedded in the comfortable/comforting cage of ordinary rational materialism I've created for myself.
It's very well constructed and consistent, the chinks in the armor are small; and I feel like I have little "wiggle room" to change things from the inside without pulling down the whole house of cards (if I may mix my metaphors so outlandishly).
Penelope feels far away right now. Or is that me keeping her at arm's length?
I'm feeling besieged by life.
I truly hope you understand and trust that right now, Penelope is "closer than breathing" to you 24/7. Just your intention alone is more than enough to draw her near to you.
ReplyDeleteYou can't see oxygen molecules, but you know that those same molecules gives you life and vitality.... that's your Penelope
You are incredibly blessed in the sense that Penelope not only made direct contact with you, but will always be with you in the eternal present moment (time is a human construct, therefore past & future is irrelevant).
I have not had any direct/indirect contact with my own spirit companion. However, I do a short meditation before bed that gives me some comfort, and I hope it helps you and whoever else is reading this.
Visualise a bright golden miniature sun in the middle of your chest/heart chakra. Imagine this golden light spreading out throughout your entire body until you are a shining as bright as the miniature sun.
Now visualise your spirit companion/partner/wife/husband, or if single like me, visualise a person (I imagine a faceless being) in front of you. From your heart chakra area. Visualise rays of golden light stream from you to that person and see them in a state of bliss/peace/love as they are filled with this golden light.
I use this visualisation just before I sleep, but I also regularly use this method when someone cuts me off in traffic, or if someone swears at me or gets aggressive at me (I'm a truck driver, so it happens pretty often).
I don't do it to help them, I do this method purely for selfish reasons... to make me feel better and more at peace.
Hope this helps.
Blessings.
Your visualization method is a godsend, coming just when I needed a fresh perspective. I've been feeling really stuck and all the old ways out seem exhausted to me.
ReplyDeleteI will do this right away. Thank you.
And may you soon encounter your spirit companion, I'm of the opinion we're all blessed with one. You sound like you're ready.