Discipline
I struggle a lot with "discipline".
I think it's telling that there are multiple definitions of the word crossing over among "a branch of knowledge or expertise" to "self-control" to "instruction" to "training or to obey rules or a code of behavior" to "using punishment to correct disobedience".
A while back I did an exercise with my therapist Kitty where we saw the unruly, conflicting impulses and energies that lead me to procrastinate and avoid my responsibilities as unruly, untrained puppies.
Puppies are also, of course, playful and cute; and it's easy to give them too much free rein (or reign; interesting homophone there); so that they grow into unmanageable dogs.
I feel like I was forced to "grow up" a bit too soon as a child, but the sorts of burdens placed on me and how they were imposed was very toxic. Maybe not so much "too soon" as "all of a sudden" when I'd not been required to previously, even actively being prevented from doing so (see notes elsewhere on my relationship with my mom).
It was a very rude awakening. I learned that being "grown up" meant sacrificing my wants and needs to someone, anyone else. Everyone else came first, second, third...
Not to say I was always gracious about this, I was sometimes very resentful, other times I played a "poor me" martyr role: Why didn't anyone appreciate how much I'd sacrificed? I think I was probably a real downer if not insufferable a lot of the time.
Anyways, now I think I'm largely over the martyr complex, but I still struggle with staying "on task" when there's some other "shiny object" that I'd rather be playing with.
For better or worse, this blog falls into that category :-/
I think it's telling that there are multiple definitions of the word crossing over among "a branch of knowledge or expertise" to "self-control" to "instruction" to "training or to obey rules or a code of behavior" to "using punishment to correct disobedience".
A while back I did an exercise with my therapist Kitty where we saw the unruly, conflicting impulses and energies that lead me to procrastinate and avoid my responsibilities as unruly, untrained puppies.
Puppies are also, of course, playful and cute; and it's easy to give them too much free rein (or reign; interesting homophone there); so that they grow into unmanageable dogs.
I feel like I was forced to "grow up" a bit too soon as a child, but the sorts of burdens placed on me and how they were imposed was very toxic. Maybe not so much "too soon" as "all of a sudden" when I'd not been required to previously, even actively being prevented from doing so (see notes elsewhere on my relationship with my mom).
It was a very rude awakening. I learned that being "grown up" meant sacrificing my wants and needs to someone, anyone else. Everyone else came first, second, third...
Not to say I was always gracious about this, I was sometimes very resentful, other times I played a "poor me" martyr role: Why didn't anyone appreciate how much I'd sacrificed? I think I was probably a real downer if not insufferable a lot of the time.
Anyways, now I think I'm largely over the martyr complex, but I still struggle with staying "on task" when there's some other "shiny object" that I'd rather be playing with.
For better or worse, this blog falls into that category :-/
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